Five Signs You Are Disconnected in Your Partner Relationship with Three Steps to Reconnect

We are hardwired for connection. The default position of the brain is to assume that there will be a loving, validating, attuned other with us. We can clearly see the positive results when a mother soothes her crying baby or when a father giggles and plays with his toddler. The child responds to the loving and present parent, and that connection fosters safety and security. We never outgrow the need to connect with others. After we mature and develop romantic relationships, our partner usually becomes the main source of connection and attachment. Therefore, if a woman’s trauma gets triggered or a man’s insecurities and fears are sparked and their partner is unavailable or dismissive, it is emotionally painful and often intensifies the pain.

The goal of a healthy relationship isn’t to never have problems. That is impossible. A more realistic goal is to notice when things feel off, reconnect, and repair the damage that is done to the bond between partners. The sooner you realize a rift has occurred, the easier it is to come back to an attuned and emotionally engaged state. This connection is what all humans thrive on. This is also a part of what heals past wounds that you may have experienced in your relationship.

Here are five indicators that you are disconnected in your relationship and rebuilding connection may be needed:

1: Blaming

When we don’t take responsibility for our actions, we blame someone else. A husband might say, “If you weren’t so angry all the time, I’d want to spend time with you instead of being in my room or staying at work.” Blame is the discharge of guilt and discomfort. Because it’s uncomfortable when we feel like we have done something wrong or hurt our partner, it’s easy to place blame so we don’t feel responsible for the problem.

Blame is often the response to our own fears and insecurities. For some, the fear is that if they did something wrong and caused pain to their partner, it confirms that they are bad, wrong, or unworthy to some degree. For others, it’s a fear of losing the relationship, even if the emotional distance is temporary until a repair is made. Those fears are so heavy to hold, we consequently shift the responsibility away from ourselves and push it onto our partner in order to avoid confirming our fears.

2. Always or Never Statements

Statements like, “You never want to have sex,” or, “Why do you always shut down when we try to have a conversation?” are usually exaggerations and not totally accurate. These types of statements don’t effectively address the situation, but it’s helpful to know why we are prone to use them. The most important function of our brain is to keep us alive, and one way it does this is to quickly narrow our focus on a potential threat and devote resources (adrenaline, increased heart rate, heightened awareness) to prepare us to fight, flee, or freeze.

Disconnection in our relationships is perceived as a danger cue to our brains. When this happens, it’s easy to then take an always/never, black/white, all/nothing stance, because our vision narrows on the threatening cue. This is actually an important function, as the brain needs to see things in a black-and-white, clear way when we are under threat or else we’d have a hard time deciphering danger and staying out of harm’s way. As this happens in our relationships, the always-or-never response shows us we are disconnected. When we catch ourselves using all or nothing language, we can take the time to slow down to get to what the root of the issue is.

3. Turning the Tables

This is another common response to fear and threat. A wife might say, “I’m worried when you don’t answer your phone when I call. I start to wonder if you’re out doing something that you shouldn’t be.” He might respond with, “Well, you need to focus on yourself and stop checking up on me all the time. If you weren’t so high strung, things wouldn’t be as bad as they are between us!”

If we explored deeper into his experience, her comment might have inadvertently triggered his shame, the fear of letting her down, or the reminder that he has hurt her. All of those things are painful, and without the proper mindset, they lead to disconnection. It is easier for him to avoid confronting those emotions and deflect the issue and focus on the wife’s “problem” instead of taking accountability for his actions.

4. Withdrawing

During conflict, a common response for people is to say something like, “I can’t handle this anymore, I’m done talking about it,” or they might just get quiet, ignore, or physically leave the room. If you or your partner don’t have the tools or capacity at a given point to hold and process through the discomfort of shame, sadness, or fear, it’s easy to emotionally distance.

If someone doesn’t have the right tools, they might distance themselves in order to preserve the relationship as is and avoid making things worse. However, it is hard for the other person to see that in the moment. What they see is that their partner is now even more inaccessible, which leaves them more alone and upset.

5. Anxious Clinging or Protesting

This can take on many forms. If during an argument one partner tries to leave, the other might follow closely behind and continue to drive their points harder and harder; a wife might be driven by anxiety to frequently check her husband’s phone records; or a husband might adamantly defend his point with anger and yelling in order to convince his wife he is telling the truth.

Fear is at the root of these behaviors. Again, our brains interpret disconnection as a danger cue and we find ourselves unproductively using these strategies to cling to our partner for reassurance or to protest the disconnection.