How Successful Couples View Intimacy

As human beings we long for human connection. We want someone to know us. We want to be seen and acknowledged by others. And yet far too often we find that in our most important relationships, we are left feeling like something is missing. Clearly, achieving human intimacy is not easy.

Our relationships are complex.

On one hand, we long for closeness from our spouse. Yet this same person with whom we want to be close to can hurt us deeply. One moment we can be making love and the next fighting. Intimacy is not a fixed entity or stable condition for any relationship. Indeed, intimacy is something that has to be nurtured and developed.

Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me say that when I talk about intimacy I am not talking about “sex” only. Sure that is a part of true intimacy, but it is only one element of it. Intimacy is a process by which two human beings grow and develop. They begin to see each other without pretense, lies, or deception. Intimacy requires us to see others as they really are and to allow others to see us. Intimacy (in-to-me-see) is the process where we become open and vulnerable with others.

In order to be truly intimate with another person, we have to take risks, genuinely see others, and make it easy to love us. I will explain these three characteristics below, because they are the things that successful couples do to create intimacy in their relationship.

Intimacy, Risk, and Safety

Think about the risks you take daily in your relationships. You tell you spouse that you are tired and worn out. If your relationship is healthy, your spouse might say, “I am sorry, thanks for working so hard for our family.” In an unhealthy relationship you might get, “All you do is complain.” Healthy couples make it safe for each other and respond to each others thoughts and emotional expressions with kindness and compassion. Without these elements, without risk, intimacy is not possible. Every day we take risks with each other. Successful couples create a safe environment, so that the risks they take with each other don’t seem like risks at all.

Human intimacy requires courage and always includes some risk.

Intimacy and Seeing Others

When I work with couples who are fighting or are disconnected, it becomes clear that they can’t “see” each other. They hear the words of their arguments and fights, but they do not stop to really listen and “It’s emotionally draining and flat out hard to be in a relationship that’s not truly intimate. If we are going to reach the deepest desires of our inner hearts - to be connected and intimate, then we have to learn how to create a safe environment so we can take risks, truly see each other, and become easy to love. If we do these three things, our relationships will flourish and we will be successful.”

feel each other. As a result, they focus on the words of their arguments and miss the deeper suffering, loneliness, sadness, or hurt expressed. The result is continued fighting and arguing or hiding and disconnection from each other.

Conversely, when you watch successful couples they truly see each other. Over the years, I have witnessed couples who have been angry and upset overcome their challenges and develop a rich and meaningful relationship by learning to truly see each other. In every successful case, they learn to look and see their spouse for who they really are. This is a process and takes time, but is especially rewarding when couples who can’t see each other change their perspective. They stop seeing “the nag” or “the jerk” and instead see the suffering and loneliness. When you see an addict truly understand trauma or when you see a traumatized spouse see the suffering of an addict, it is rewarding.

Intimacy and Being Lovable

Not long ago, I listened to an audio meditation on compassion by Tara Brach. She asked her audience to think of someone who is easy to love. Next she asked them to identify the traits and characteristics of that person and what if felt like being in that person’s presence. As she walked through this exercise, she naturally shifted into the idea of being that person who is lovable. I thought to myself, “Am I easy to love?” It was then that I realized that successful individuals and couples make it easy to love them.

I acknowledge that this is a difficult concept for all of us. We can all be a little prickly and hard to get close to when we are suffering. However, when couples overcome difficult issues like addiction and trauma, they make it easier to love them. Addicts stop living in denial and secrecy and instead become more patient and kind. They allow themselves to be “seen.” Individuals who have been in trauma find that they express less anger and show more warmth. When two people are working at being easy to love, their relationship challenges are significantly reduced.

It’s emotionally draining and flat out hard to be in a relationship that’s not truly intimate. If we are going to reach the deepest desires of our inner hearts - to be connected and intimate, then we have to learn how to create a safe environment so we can take risks, truly see each other, and become easy to love. If we do these three things, our relationships will flourish and we will be successful.