The Difference Between Self-Blame and Ownership

Caitlin Olsen, MFT-I • Jul 20, 2018

We’ve all been there: the “never again” moment. I’ll make sure ______ never happens to me again. It’s a natural response when we go through something that feels out of our control; we try to reassert some influence over our own lives. Because so much of trauma response is automatic and out of our control, it makes sense that we grasp for any sense control wherever we can find it.

Consider the physical symptoms of trauma: increased or decreased sleep, increased or decreased appetite, heart palpitations, body shakes, panic attacks and tension headaches, plus exacerbation of pre-existing systemic conditions due to increased cortisol, or stress hormone, levels. The physical symptoms of trauma alone are overwhelming. Now consider all the trauma symptoms -- the emotional, mental, relational, and physical -- and so much feels out of control. So much actually is out of our control when we experience trauma.

It’s no wonder we grasp for any semblance of control after we experience trauma. The need for control is normal and valid. It’s an instinct that helps us feel safe in the aftermath of a traumatic experience. How we reassert control in our lives can make the difference between healing and further suffering. Some people turn to blame as a way to feel safe; some blame others while others blame themselves for what has happened. Blame looks like a pointing finger and sounds like vitriol. Blame depends on black and white thinking and leaves no room for compassion or understanding, no space for gray. Blame underscores the oppositional roles of victim and persecutor, therefore contributing to unhealthy relational dynamics.

Blame is especially painful when it’s directed at the self. Self-blame happens when we play both the victim and persecutor ourselves, grappling with the reality that something traumatic has happened to us while at the same time pointing the finger at ourselves. This cycle of feeling victimized and persecuting ourselves repeats over and over again, increasing in intensity and creating a loop that is difficult to escape. And yet this loop can serve a purpose initially; by blaming ourselves, we can create a sense of control. It’s a false sense of control, but even a perception of control feels better than the total loss of control. Self-blame often sounds like the following:

“I should have been a better person. I shouldn’t have been so mean or demanding. Then this never would have happened.”

“I could have stopped it.”

“I should have known what was happening. I should have seen it coming.”

“I knew things were too good to be true, that I didn’t deserve what I thought I had. This just confirms what I already knew, so I really shouldn’t be surprised.”

“If I don’t blame myself, I’ll blame him. And then I’ll have to leave. It’s easier to blame myself and stay.”

The momentary relief of feeling a bit more in control comes at a high cost when we rely on self-blame to reassert influence over our own life. These statements reveal perceived control -- actual control is missing. If we can prevent something bad from happening, of course we will stop it. The fact that it happened is proof in and of itself that we couldn’t prevent it, or else it never would have occurred. Looking back at trauma and using “should” allows us to buy into the perception of control of the past and therefore believe we can control the future. Yet this is a fallacy, a false belief about our influence in the world. And the more we buy into this false sense of control, the more we suffer unnecessarily.

Because most of what we experience in our lives is out of our control, we are bound to suffer. There is an important difference between unavoidable suffering and unnecessary suffering. Unavoidable suffering is just that -- suffering we cannot avoid no matter how good or smart or righteous we are. Unavoidable suffering is out of our control and occurs either because of someone else’s choices (choices we did not make) or simply out of bad luck. Unnecessary suffering is avoidable and within our control. This type of suffering comes out of our own response to that first type, the unavoidable suffering. When something painful happens to us (due to an outside source) and we respond with self-blame (we hold ourselves accountable for the trauma we could neither predict nor control), we suffer unnecessarily. There is enough suffering inherent to trauma; avoiding unnecessary suffering is essential to healing.

The antidote to self-blame is ownership. Ownership begins by objectively assessing what has happened and reality checking any instincts to blame. In that moment of “never again, I’ll never let ____ happen again,” what really matters is that blank. Ask yourself two questions about the trauma: Can it truly be prevented? And it is mine to prevent? Ownership is a two-way street: both accepting what falls under our umbrella of responsibility and letting go of what doesn’t.

If your answer to both the questions above are yes, take ownership. This is on your shoulders; you need to take accountability for what happened and make sure it never happens again. Hold yourself responsible to that blank.

If you’re not sure, or you answered no to one or both of those questions, release ownership. This is not on your shoulders and you do not need to take accountability for what happened. You cannot make sure it never happens again and you have no responsibility for it. What will happen as you consider releasing control of this trauma is likely extreme fear. Fear that letting it go will mean condoning it or somehow welcoming it to happen again. Fear that releasing the death-grip you’ve had on it will mean it’ll be your fault if it happens again. As you work through the fear and toward letting go, you will be amazed at how much energy is freed up. You will be able to think and feel in ways you haven’t been as you’ve been focused on the initial instinct to control and prevent after a traumatic experience. This extra emotional and mental energy that will become available to you can be channeled into the work of healing: taking time for true self-care, cultivating compassion for self and others, releasing yourself of blame and practicing ownership.

Building these internal resources will not lead to control over every area of your life, but it will allow you to influence what can be influenced: your behaviors, feelings, and thoughts. As you further master yourself, you will become well-equipped to manage whatever trauma may come your way. In this sense, you are guaranteeing that what happened before really does never happen again, because even if there is another _____, you will not be the same. Your ability to move through trauma will be different than it was the first time _____ happened, due to your recognition of self-blame and transition into honest ownership.