How to Thrive through the Holidays while in Betrayal Trauma

“Your dad might leave me. There’s a nurse.”

I don’t know what I expected my mom to say on the phone a few weeks before Christmas 2008, but I know for certain there was no part of me that expected those eight words.

My husband and I were newlywed and living several states away from our families. We drove the twenty hours to our hometown a few days before Christmas and acted like everything was normal. I knew about my dad’s affair, my husband knew, my mom knew, my dad knew we all knew… and we all just pretended. We went through the motions of traditions, and I went through the motions of interacting with my dad. I felt rage, hurt, confusion, betrayal, devastation. What I showed was a dutiful daughter with a forced smile. The night before my husband and I were going to road trip back home, my dad asked to talk to me. He sat me down on the couch in the basement and stumbled through a pseudo explanatory apology, and he ended by saying, “I’m not leaving.”

“Do you promise?” I asked him.

“Yeah, honey, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Andrew and I left the next morning around ten, and at about three that afternoon I got a call from my brother: “Dad left.” He’d packed up and gone to stay with his girlfriend.

I’m willing to bet you have your own difficult story about the holidays. Maybe a form of betrayal, like what I describe above. Perhaps the loss of a loved one, financial ruin, or extreme emotional problems. I want you to know that you are not alone with your hard holiday memories. Whether it’s a tough relationship issue or a death or traumatic event or shameful experience, you’re not alone. Read my story again if you need proof. And even though I have a master’s degree and a job as a therapist, the most valuable thing I can offer you is my personal experience. It’s my belief that the last thing you all need is an “expert” telling you what to do. Here are the top five practices that have helped me during the at-times difficult holiday season:

1. Yoga and walking: Movement matters for emotional well-being. We process our emotions in our brains and our brains are literally connected to our bodies; if one is well, the other is much more likely to be well. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good sweaty workout (I go to one or two spin classes a week) but my priority when it comes to exercise has shifted from calorie-burning and weight loss to sanity seeking. I move to feel good. Yoga and walking are the most effective physical tools to use. Your duty is to discover what works for you in terms of physical movement.
   
2. Journaling: My favorite journaling exercise is to list out my values. It sounds simple and it is -- it is also so powerful. I identify my values and check in with myself and with God to make sure my life and my behaviors are lining up with those values. It helps validate what is going well and redirect what isn’t.
   
3. Active Gratitude: I regularly list out what I’m thankful for, almost every day, either in writing or in prayer. I also vocalize what I’m grateful for through my family’s dinnertime tradition of what we call “highs and lows.” We go around the table and everyone says one high from the day, one low from the day, and one thing we’re grateful for.
   
4. Uplifting Input: There are some versions of taking information in that really help me. I love listening to podcasts (favorites are On Being, The Longest Shortest Time, and This American Life), reading books (Brene Brown’s Braving the Wilderness and Gabriel Tallent’s My Absolute Darling lately), and enjoying music (practicing the piano lately has really helped me feel grounded). I also love television (Parks and Rec for a good laugh) and movies (honestly, mostly kid movies). I have to be careful with input in terms of both quality and quantity, but when I pay attention to how I feel after consuming entertainment, I can use it as an uplifting, positive coping tool.
   
5. Boundaries: Boundaries - both internal and external - are absolutely ESSENTIAL for healthy living. We have to communicate clearly what is okay with us and what is not okay with us. Especially when it comes to the demands of the holiday season. Examples of boundaries around the holidays range from how much you’re willing to spend on a gift exchange to who’s invited to Thanksgiving dinner to where you stay when you visit family for New Year’s to what type of talk or behavior is acceptable in your own home. Boundaries are so important and very hard to implement if you’re not used to them. It does get easier, but starting that process can feel really tricky.
   
6. This article is a great place to start. I also highly recommend the various works by Brene Brown, who says “the most compassionate people are also the most boundaried.”
   

I don’t know your unique story, but I do know that because addiction, death, and depression strike during all seasons, they strike during the holidays. We all need help getting through these difficult situations. I hope these practices prove as helpful for you as they have for me.

MEET SARIAH! SHE'S AT OUR CLINIC AND YOU CAN FIND HER ONLINE COURSES ON BLOOM. (2:53)