Coby's Recovery Story

Video Transcription

I was talking with Ashlynn one night, and I said something that I didn't know I was going to say. I said, ‘I'm proud of who I am’, and I knew that I had turned a huge corner. I was proud of all the things that I had accomplished, but I was never proud of who I was because my addiction would not allow me. It robbed me of my self-worth.

My addiction started when I was seven. A girl that I played with every day introduced me to her dad's magazines, so from that point on, any time there was an opportunity to view porn, in general, I took advantage of it. I knew that I never wanted anybody to know about this because this is like the ultimate shame game for me. When you're an addict the dialogue Is always ‘If people really knew who you were, they would reject you.’

I knew I wasn't going to tell Ashlynn when I met her because if I did, she'd walk. There's not enough good in me that she would appreciate and love that would keep her here. I felt horrible for acting out. I would really try to restrain myself, and then just the stress of life, of what I was doing, begin to mount. I was just emotionally incapable of dealing with the stress of life. Every now and then I would let her know I slipped up, and she would get mad, and I wouldn’t want to tell her, because she was getting mad at me. It was just this ping-pong match back and forth.

I could never ever bring myself to telling the full truth, so what I began to see was more faults in her. That's when I had my first affair. It was an emotional affair. I told Ashlynn and she was devastated, she was hurt. My second Affair came not long after the girls were abused.

We found out the girls were sexually abused by someone that we trusted and loved. It was completely devastating for us. I shut down, I did not know how to deal with it. When the dust began to settle and the opportunity presented itself, that's when the second affair took place. The intensification of my addiction just grew beyond what I had ever expected. I tried to stop it and did for some time. It started again, and then I stopped it.

Since we'd gone through specialized therapy with the girls, I thought it would probably be a good idea for me to have specialized therapy as well. That really came from a desire to really, truly change. I was so tired. I was so done.

As I spoke my shame, the power of the grip that it had on me lessened. Something happened when I was put in the right environment. When I had the right support people. When I had specialized help, the best in me responded.

This fog lifted, the fog that blinded me to Ashlynn’s ability to love me, to who she really was. To take off my lenses of lust that I wore for so long, and to see her with lenses of love. My eyes could see and love her for who she is, and not as an object. And what I saw was loyalty and a deep commitment to pay a price that most people would never pay.

There is no way for me to quantify the harmony and the love we have now. Even when it seems the very darkest, there is still a way. When life has just turned completely sideways, there's still hope to change. I lived for 31 years with this, and I found recovery. Being proud of who I am is the biggest accomplishment, for me personally, that I have ever had.