Why 86% of the couples rebuilding trust succeed in their relationship after a betrayal

April 14, 2020

When it comes to rebuilding trust after betrayal trauma, why is it that some couples make it and others don't? 


To put it lightly, rebuilding trust after a sexual betrayal, such as infidelity or sexual addiction, is hard work. It requires three things to be successful. The first is being open to discussing the events in extensive detail with the spouse who was betrayed. Second, it requires the betrayer to answer all their spouse's questions. Finally, it requires in-depth transparency and vulnerability. As a result, a more profound connection within the relationship can form. In fact, more than 86% of couples stay together when both agree to be vulnerable, completely honest, and dedicate themselves to the process. 


In this article, we will propose essential elements to rebuilding trust after a betrayal trauma situation occurs. Couples can and are rebuilding trust after betrayal. Many couples heal, reconnect, and fall in love again; you can too. 


What successful couples are doing to rebuild trust


Today, research shows couples are more likely to remain married if they commit to the process of working through the betrayal. The process leads to rebuilding trust within the relationship. The first step of the process is opening up the discussion. Approaching your spouse with a willingness to be open, allows each of you a space to choose to move forward. 


Undoubtedly, the most productive step of the process is the second step. It is the discussion that involves asking and answering questions. Most couples that succeed in saving their marriage find this is the most difficult step. Yet, opening up and answering each other's questions is necessary. This part of the process requires authentic transparency. For the spouse who has been betrayed, this step may provide the most clarity. The good news is, in a survey of 1000 couples, 86% of the couples who committed to this step, remained married. 


As a couple, working with your therapist, you can begin to process all the raw emotions around trust. We provide the setting, which facilitates rebuilding trust.


Rebuilding trust through discussing the details


Discussing the situation, in full detail, is hard. These discussions are critical for success within the relationship. It is common for both to experience intense emotions, but for very different reasons. 


Rebuilding trust requires the events leading up to, during, and after the betrayal be fully exposed. With the help of a trained therapist, this step is possible. 


In fact, based on research, Dr. Kevin Skinner shares how these discussions are vital to the success of the marriage.


  • 32% of those who discussed the situation very little detail, gained very little trust

  • 42% of those who addressed the situation in some detail, earned a fair amount of trust back 

  • 58% of those who discussed the situation in great detail, rebuilt most of their trust back


Our therapists are helping couples in these situations every day. Your therapist can guide both of you through the complex emotions you're experiencing as you begin rebuilding trust.


Why answering the betrayed spouse's questions is so important to rebuilding trust


Trust begins to rebuild when the betraying spouse decides to answer their spouses' questions in full disclosure. There is significant value to this because it helps the betrayed spouse begin to put the pieces together. After a betrayal, it is common for the spouse to need to identify what warning signs they were missing. Furthermore, in order to heal, the spouse will likely need and want to know why, when, where, what, and how. 


"Yes, vulnerability is a risk; yes, we may get hurt. But we have to ask ourselves what is the greater risk, experimenting with authenticity and vulnerability and possibly getting hurt, or living a life of disconnection, loneliness, and pain? Letting ourselves be seen will be one of the bravest things we can ever do, and the potential for joy is worth every risk." 

-Rebecca Knudsen MS, LMFT 


As the couple begins this part of the process, it is imperative the betraying spouse understands how critical this step is. This step requires patience and empathy. If the spouse is quick to shut down the questions, it prolongs the healing process. Through thoughtful guidance, a couple can work through the toughest step of rebuilding trust.


How rebuilding trust allows you to see each other again


For most betrayed spouses in a relationship, it's easy to build up walls around any positive feelings toward your spouse. Anger can take over, and you may begin to view your spouse as the enemy. You begin to see them as the person who hurt you and nothing more. As a result, more anger and irritation set in. A real breaking point in any relationship is when couples only see the negative in one another. A therapist can help couples overcome these barriers. Couples can begin to see each other again. 


As couples begin working through issues, it becomes necessary to discuss where you both feel you're at in the present moment. A feeling of hopelessness may be the dominant emotion one is feeling, while the other feels a sense of hope. The opposition alone can leave one or both feeling as though it is pointless to continue working. 


Addo Recovery is here to help you through these complications. We understand the road to healing can be unclear at times, and we can help provide clarity. 


Unresolved hurt and pain interferes with rebuilding trust


Individuals may or may not recognize they have unresolved issues. Unresolved issues obstruct the ability to connect in relationships and marriage. Furthermore, unresolved hurt and pain can build up over time and negatively impact the relationship. Likewise, if you have unresolved issues or trauma, it can prevent you from being able to commit to a relationship wholeheartedly. 


As humans, we all long for connection. A connection is where authentic intimacy resides. It is a fundamental component within a relationship. Connection and intimacy will lead you back to the familiarity of each other. If you are missing the ability to connect or reconnect, unresolved issues may be the culprit. 


By uncovering and confronting your problems, you allow yourself the ability to heal and connect. Moreso, you are opening the door to rebuilding trust and reconnecting with your spouse. 


"As a couple resolves this ultimate dilemma, they develop a level of trust and confidence in the relationship that enables them to follow through no matter what comes ahead." - David Ferrell MEd, LPC, CAC III 


If you are in a relationship, struggling to rebuild trust due to a betrayal event, there is hope. You can be successful in rebuilding trust. It is possible for you to be able to genuinely see your spouse again. This may require the assistance of a trained therapist. There is support for you at Addorecovery.com.