Two Important Steps in Overcoming Betrayal Trauma: Quit Burying the Pain and Giving Up the Illusion of Control

Sometimes, due to shame and the overwhelming nature of trauma, many women suffering from Betrayal Trauma bury or bottle up their hurt and pain.

One woman described her experience this way, “I kept my husband's behaviors to myself because I didn’t think anyone would really understand me. I felt so much shame and embarrassment that I didn’t want anyone to know. Yet, I was dying inside. I felt like I was going to explode.”

Another said, “Many times I wasn’t even aware of my pain. I would keep myself busy with the kids or the house or my job so that I couldn’t pay attention to how bad I felt. Then, every few months or so, it would just explode out of me toward everyone. No one knew the real reason I was blowing up.”

If you have buried or bottled up your pain to “keep it together” or “take one for the team,” it's time to stop. Look at what your stress is doing to you, and establish a strategy for letting out your hurt and pain.

You may have been afraid to discuss what is happening and address the true pain you are experiencing. It's normal for us to feel embarrassed by what our spouse has done and fear judgment from others. Fortunately, if you are willing to take a courageous step in the face of fear, you can find great support and healing.

Emotional pain has been likened to a swamp. If you don't find the courage to walk through it, you will continue to either miserably stand in the middle of it or stand outside of it wishing it would vanish. If you are brave and allow yourself to move through the pain and share it with others for support, you can get through it and leave the intensity of it behind.

One of the biggest challenges women face when they have discovered their partner’s sexual addiction or infidelity is knowing how to respond. Anger, hurt, and intense feelings of betrayal are common.

Another common response is to become overly involved in what your partner is doing. Many people begin to check phone records, look at computer logins, and track almost everything that their spouse is doing because of the fear that they won't know if he is acting out again.

While this may seem helpful at the time and alleviate some of the fears initially, seldom do these hyper-vigilant behaviors (common in PTSD) bring peace to the mind. When you become a detective of your husband’s behavior it turns your energy and focus toward catching him rather than on your own healing. Gradually, being a detective can be all consuming and will dominate the mind. It can become an obsession.

And unfortunately, even with all of the checking and exploring, no one truly has control over anyone else’s behavior. No matter how frequently you check up on him, you cannot control your partner’s behaviors long term.

Sometimes people think that if they check the records and look at the computer logs they can somehow prevent their partner from relapsing. You may have even had an experience where you found evidence of his acting out and he stopped the behavior for a time. This can be very rewarding and may encourage you to continue to play the detective.

However, recovery and healing for either you or your partner will not occur this way. Recovery for you is learning to let your partner be responsible and accountable for his own recovery. Recovery for him is learning to let go of addiction without your constant vigilance.

Giving Up Control So You Can Be In Control

When we asked about giving up control, one woman said, “When you give up control, it feels like you are stepping into the dark. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I became content knowing that I didn’t have to solve everything. I learned that when I give up trying to gain control I actually increased control over myself.”

Many women described giving up control as one of the most difficult parts and also the biggest accomplishment in their recovery. We have gathered some feedback from some women who have been through this in the past. They said:

• I learned to let God take over and I began focusing on my healing.
  
• For the first time in months, when I stopped worrying about every single thing that my husband was doing, I finally felt some peace. I realized I was analyzing everything he did. When I gave it up, I found some peace for the first time in a long time. Ironically, when I stopped worrying, my husband began to change and open up more to me.
• When I stopped stalking my husband via GPS, reading his computer history every time he turned around, and reading his texts, I found that I had way more time to focus on me. Looking back, I realized that I was checking on him because it made me feel a false sense of safety and control. When I realized that I was spending more time trying to force him into recovery than on my own healing and happiness, I decided to make a change and give it up to God.