Starting Healing from Betrayal Trauma: Establishing Safety

Dr. Kevin Skinner, Clinical Director, LMFT, CSAT-S • Jul 19, 2018

INTRODUCTION

When people begin to work on developing safety in their relationship, the first question we hear is, “How will I know what kind of boundary to set?” The next is, “When are my boundaries reasonable and when are they too controlling?” The final question we hear is, “What if he lies about breaking the boundaries, what do I do?”

The answer to each of these questions is the same: listen to your inner voice. Before setting the boundary, and then while discussing the

boundary with your partner, and again when holding to the boundary, you must be able to listen to your inner voice and intuition.

This article will provide four key practices that will help you create successful boundaries:


  1. Understanding Your Intuition
  2. Establishing a personal “Bill of Rights”
  3. Compiling a list of non-negotiables
  4. Forming a plan of action

AN INTRODUCTION TO INTUITION


The Hijacked Brain

When we, as human beings, experience any kind of emotional crisis the brain becomes hijacked quickly. Trauma causes the blood and electrical impulses that would have been flowing all over our brain to flow only to one part of the brain: the fight/flight/freeze(limbic) part of the brain.

In cave-man days, this would have helped us to get to safety either by running away or fighting back against an attacker or threat. However, in the 21st century when we are less likely to be battling against a lion and more likely to battling for an impending deadline at work, an unruly child, and even our own marriage, we can actually hurt ourselves more by staying in a fight/flight/freeze mindset.

Trauma Blocks Intuition

Along with all the physical damages that occur to our body when we are in constant crisis, also become paralyzed and more confused in our decision-making. When the energy in our brain is spent in fight/ flight/freeze there is little energy left for the prefrontal cortex or the judgment and rational thinking part of the brain.

As women, we have natural instincts and intuition that are essential for healthy happy living. This intuition, or inner voice, is subtle and tells us when things are going well or when we need to make a change.

If you have children, you have probably felt this quiet intuition tell you things like “something is wrong,” “call so-and-so today,” or “everything is right and everyone is safe.” However, when you are in fight/flight/ freeze you may feel that everything is unsafe even when it is not.

This intuition is so important to healthy living not only as mothers but as women and spouses. When our brains are hijacked and we are on edge, intuition is compromised and we often cannot listen to our own gut to tell us what we need in any given situation.

Betrayal Trauma and Intuition

When we have been betrayed by a relationship partner, we often go into fight/flight/freeze mode immediately. This is natural and normal, but over time it can over shadow our intuition.

You may have had times in the past where you felt “Something is wrong here, he claims everything is alright, but I know something is wrong.” Then later you found out you were right all along. Other women have stated, “Things feel off. I’m not sure what it is, but something is not right.”

This was your intuition telling you that something was not right in your relationship. This was your intuition telling you to get more information and protect yourself. Unfortunately, once the truth comes out about their partner’s behaviors, most women loose sight of that intuition, and due to trauma, fall into a confusing spiral.

For instance, since your partner’s disclosure you may have said things like, “I feel like something needs to change, but I’m not sure if he lying to me or if I am in my trauma.” Or, “I always feel like things are unsafe, even when they probably are fine. I don’t let him or anyone else into my emotional space because it feels like I am in danger.” Often your partner may even say, “You are just being too sensitive you shouldn’t feel that way! Just let it go and everything will be okay.” These kinds of remarks and thoughts stir our trauma and keep us in fight/flight/freeze mode and possibly keep us in a harmful relationship.

Ironically when we are in fight/flight/ freeze and are constantly on the look out for danger—searching texts, perusing computer histories, asking about him with his coworkers, etc—we remain in fight/flight/freeze and leave no room for intuition to tell us if our searching is even worth the time and energy.


Recovering Your Intuition

Whether you have chosen to stay in or leave a relationship with an addict, you must be equipped with your woman’s intuition. This is an essential aspect of your healing.

There will be times where you have to set up boundaries for safety and stick to them even when everyone except your gut tell you you are wrong. When you are stuck in the whirlwind of the hijacked mind you will probably feel overwhelmed and not have the confidence to hold boundaries in the face of your partner’s insistence and even aggression.

In order to regain our intuition, we must learn to get to a calm space somewhat quickly even in the face of crisis. Since trauma is chronic and will be triggered up frequently at first and less and less over time, we need to be able to practice going from feeling hijacked and overwhelmed and anxious to peaceful and calm each time we feel triggered. It is important to learn how to self-sooth, calm the mind, and find peace and serenity to connect back to that intuition each time you are triggered into your trauma.

When we calm the mind the blood and energy in our brain will flow from the limbic system and fear center to the prefrontal cortex or the rational judgment and thinking center. When we are calm and centered we are better able to tap into our intuition and have a better sense of what is going on in our relationship.

When we can confidently listen to our intuition or “gut” then we will be able to make decisions about establishing safety for our children and ourselves. When you are able to listen to your intuition, you will know what is going on in your relationship even if your partner is lying or if he has lied in the past.

How to Get Centered

There are many many tools and tricks to getting from trauma to a centered place. Many are discussed in our free resources for Trauma, and therapists can help you to practice and learn even more. Here is a list of some possible coping and self-soothing tools.


  1. Recognize that you are in trauma and make the choice to step out of it
  2. Remove yourself physically from the critical situation if possible
  3. Remember that it takes time to cool off, usually at a minimum 20 minutes
  4. Allow yourself to acknowledge and feel the pain (when we fight pain it sticks around when we pay attention to it and validate it, it passes)
  5. Sooth yourself with your senses
  6. Meditate and pray
  7. Practice mindfulness
  8. Deep breath




ESTABLISHING A PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

EXPERT COACH STACE CHRISTANSON TEACHING BOUNDARIES. SEE FULL CLASS ON BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM . (10:50)


The first key thing you can do to assess your safety needs is to write out a personal “Bill of Rights.” First, you must be in a calm and centered place to write this list.

Here’s an example of a short list of rights:


  • I have the right to physical safety in my home
  • I have a right to a home free of pornographic images
  • I have a right not to feel fear every day
  • I have the right to a quiet shower
  • I have the right to take a walk
  • I have the right to sleep in the bedroom by myself
  • I have the right to say yes or no to sex

Assignment: My Personal Bill of Rights

Writing a personal Bill of Rights is a great way for us to look at what we need and deserve, as we can forget who we are and what we need. At times we might even feel selfish for wanting simple things like a shower, going to the bathroom alone, or a warm meal. Many think that giving up these rights will make us more serviceable or better people, but over time we find that we may lose our identities. Here are a few examples of rights that others have considered:

Writing a personal Bill of Rights is a great way for us to look at what we need and deserve, as we can forget who we are and what we need. At times we might even feel selfish for wanting simple things like a shower, going to the bathroom alone, or a warm meal. Many think that giving up these rights will make us more serviceable or better people, but over time we find that we may lose our identities. Here are a few examples of rights that others have considered:


  • I have the right to a private, relaxing shower
  • I have the right to say no or yes to sex
  • I have the right to a day or evening off
  • I have the right to pray on my own
  • I have the right to dictate how I spend my time
  • I have the right to take a walk by myself
  • I have the right to a warm meal
  • I have the right to social support and connection
  • I have the right to say no to any request I don’t want to do
  • I have the right to personal preferences and opinions

Take some time to really think and feel about your personal rights. Don’t do this too quickly, and DON’T merely list things you feel like you should believe. Really dig deep and pay attention to what feels right. If you feel something and then second-guess it, ask yourself the following questions.


  • Do I believe most other people on earth have this right?
  • If so, why do I believe I am different?
We invite you to start your personal Bill of Rights. Remember this is a fluid document and does not have to be perfect on the first draft. Ponder, think, and feel as you go.

NON-NEGOTIABLES

After you seriously consider your rights, the second step is to think about what you need from your husband in order to make sure your rights and needs are met, or in other words, your non-negotiables. Keep in mind that non-negotiable means these cannot be negotiated and are essential to your well-being and safety.

Here’s a short list of example non-negotiables:


  • I need you to attend a 12-step group weekly for a minimum of two years so that I can feel safe.
  • I need you to attend counseling for a minimum of one year so that I can feel less fear.
  • I need you to find a sponsor by (a certain date). All bank accounts, credit cards, and financial matters must be open to me. I don’t want pressure to be sexual with you. I will be sexual with you at my discretion.
  • I need you to talk with our religious leader by (a certain date).

Remember this is just a list of examples. These may not fit your situation or your partner’s situation. You will listen to your intuition and find your unique list through meditation, thought or prayer.

What are your non-negotiables? Write them on a separate sheet of paper.

PLAN OF ACTION

Once you have established your rights and non-negotiables, the third step is to give serious consideration to the plan of action for when these non-negotiables are broken or violated. Without a plan of action or consequence, your non-negotiables have no power.

If your teenager didn’t come home until 3:00 a.m. the first day she got her drivers license, what would you do? You’d set a boundary! Why? Because you care about her physical safety and your emotional safety. It wouldn’t be helpful to just tell her what you need or want. You’d have to set up a plan of action and a consequence if she crossed that boundary, to give that boundary power.

If when she came home you merely shared with her your non- negotiables by saying “I don’t want you driving until 3:00 a.m. anymore,” you would only be expressing your desires. As such, she may take the car and go out again due to lack of consequence. But, if you set up a plan of action or accompanying consequence in case she does cross that boundary, then the boundary has power. A logical consequence might be: your daughter loses her car privileges for the next two weeks.

Setting up a plan of action with your spouse is not as cut-and-dry as with a child since the parent-child relationship is very di erent. How- ever, it is a good rule of thumb to remember that all plans of action should come from a centered place and include the following:

Sometimes at this stage you can ask your spouse to help come up with a plan of action for each non-negotiable. However, depending on your relationship and your husband's recovery status, you may need to set them on your own.


  • Something you are willing to follow through on
  • Something you are capable of following through with on your own • Something that feels like a natural consequence of the broken boundary

Writing Your Boundaries

Many women feel that by setting boundaries they are being over- controlling, dominating, or flat out mean. This is not the case. Boundaries are not only out of love, but are based on the only person you have control over: yourself. You are not controlling anyone’s behaviors, but are rather creating an expectation and asking others to respect you. The other people in your life then make the choice; they will then have agency and accountability over their consequences.

Your Bill of Rights, Non-negotiables and Plan of Action, are pieces that will enable you to fully write out effective boundaries. While thinking about your boundaries, pay attention to the following guidelines:


  • A time frame: it helps to have a time frame to complete a behavior (e.g. have a sponsor in two months)
  • Specific actions: attend a 12-step group, talk with a professional counselor or tell your family
  • Outcomes: This is easily written in an “if, then” format (e.g. When you are doing ______ I will do _______.)

Follow Through: As you consider the consequences of certain actions, it is critical that you are willing to follow through with the plan of action. Any boundaries set without follow-through will only show your spouse (or children, or anyone else in your life) that you are a doormat to be walked upon.

Example #1: I need you to have a sponsor for me to feel emotional safety in our relationship. If you haven’t found a sponsor by (a certain date), then I will ask you to sleep in the spare bedroom until you have found a sponsor and introduced me to that sponsor. If you do not sleep in the spare bedroom, then I will call (a person) and ask him to escort you.


Example #2: If my intuition tells me that you have lied to me, then I will emotionally and physically disconnect from you for the rest of the day whether you claim you are telling the truth or not.

(Remember that these examples may not fit your situation. Do not feel pressured into using any examples provided here. Specific boundaries are different and unique for each person and cannot be mandated by anyone but you.)

Take a moment now to write out your boundaries.

Again, boundaries are designed to help you feel empowered. You are setting up the expectations and the accompanying plan of action. Once they are established, your partner has a choice to follow them or not. Your challenge will be to step back and observe and follow through with the boundary, rather than try to force your spouse to comply. The old adage, “A man forced against his will remains the same still,” holds true.

Finally, remember that once people are used to a situation for a long period it's easy to get upset when that system or situation changes. Think of a four year old. Imagine that for the first four years of his life you let him get out of bed multiple times for drinks of water or trips to the bathroom. Now, you decide that he can get one drink of water and one trip to the bathroom and then must stay in bed. The first time you set up this new boundary what will you see? A complete terror! He will probably push your buttons, cry, beg, insult, throw things and do any- thing he can to get you to go back to the old system. He will probably break the boundary a few times, running from his room to the bath- room, just to see what will happen. But after this boundary is held multiple times he will learn to stay in his bed.


You can expect that any time you change an old way of thinking and living (setting a new boundary) that other people will become unhappy and sometimes downright unpleasant. This may seem scary, but remember, that is what the plan of action is for! There is no need to fear. Before the situation comes up, you will have laid out in writing your rights, what you need, and what will happen if your boundaries are crossed. You will have created these boundaries from an intuitive and centered place giving you confidence that the boundaries you have set for yourself and your family are right for you.

As you hold your ground and do what you feel is right for you and for your family, your life will change.

We hope you have found help through today's lesson and that you feel greater hope in the possibility of healing. Remember, what you are experiencing is instinctive and natural, and there are a vast number of women suffering in a similar way to you.





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