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The Intimacy Repair Method (IRM)

Tue, 28 Apr 2026 14:08:30 GMT

A Trauma-Informed Approach to Healing After Betrayal, Rebuilding Trust, and Restoring Connection

The Intimacy Repair Method: A Structured Path to Healing After Betrayal

When trust has been broken in a relationship, many couples feel overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, and unsure where to begin. The discovery of infidelity, pornography use, emotional affairs, deception, or other relational injuries can create deep emotional pain and destabilize both partners. Conversations often become reactive, trust feels impossible, and many couples find themselves stuck in cycles of fear, defensiveness, anger, or emotional shutdown.

At Addo Recovery, we understand that relationship betrayal is not simply a communication problem—it is often experienced as trauma. The Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) was developed to provide couples and individuals with a structured, trauma-informed approach to healing, rebuilding trust, and restoring emotional connection.

What Is the Intimacy Repair Method?

The Intimacy Repair Method is a structured framework designed to help couples move from crisis and emotional instability toward safety, accountability, emotional healing, and deeper connection. Rather than focusing only on symptoms or surface-level communication skills, IRM addresses the underlying emotional, neurological, relational, and behavioral patterns that often keep couples stuck after betrayal.

The method combines:

Trauma-informed care
Attachment theory
Emotional regulation
Nervous system stabilization
Accountability and integrity work
Relationship skill development
Research-based assessments
Structured intimacy rebuilding

IRM recognizes that lasting relationship repair requires more than apologies or promises. Healing occurs through consistent actions, emotional safety, accountability, and measurable progress over time.

Why Traditional Relationship Approaches Often Fall Short

After betrayal, many couples attempt to “move on” too quickly without first establishing emotional safety and personal stabilization. Unfortunately, this often leads to:

Repeated arguments
Emotional flooding
Hypervigilance
Withdrawal or shutdown
Defensiveness
Loss of trust
Confusion about whether healing is possible

When betrayal trauma is not properly understood, the betrayed partner may feel dismissed or misunderstood, while the partner who broke trust may struggle with shame, avoidance, or emotional overwhelm.

The Intimacy Repair Method helps couples slow the process down and rebuild healing step-by-step.

The Four Phases of the Intimacy Repair Method

1. Discovery and Awareness

The first phase focuses on understanding the impact of betrayal and identifying the patterns affecting the relationship. This includes:

Understanding betrayal trauma (through assessments)
Identifying emotional triggers
Exploring attachment injuries
Recognizing defensive patterns
Increasing self-awareness (mindfulness)
Clarifying the current state of the relationship (Using the Relationship Recovery Scale)

Many individuals experience symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress after betrayal, including intrusive thoughts, anxiety, emotional flooding, sleep disruption, and hypervigilance. This phase helps normalize those experiences while creating greater understanding.

2. Personal Stabilization

Before meaningful repair can occur, both individuals must learn how to stabilize emotionally and physically. This phase focuses on:

Emotional regulation
Nervous system stabilization (Trauma Informed Yoga & Mindfulness)
Self-awareness (Guided Journaling)
Boundary development
Self-care
Grounding skills
Reducing reactivity

The goal is not perfection, but developing enough internal stability to engage in healthy repair conversations without escalating or shutting down.

3. Relational Repair

As emotional safety increases, the relationship begins the process of rebuilding trust through:

Accountability
Honesty and transparency
Structured communication
Empathy and compassion
Repair conversations
Emotional restitution
Rebuilding consistency

Trust is rebuilt through repeated experiences of safety and follow-through, not simply through words. Relationship healing is one of the most challenging issues therapists and their clients face. Individual recovery is possible, but learning how to rebuild trust after betrayal is more complicated. In 2023, Dr. Skinner, Addo's clinical director wrote, " Rebuild Your Relationship After Sexual Betrayal ." His book outlines key principles couples need for healing and rebuilding trust in their relationship.

4. Intimacy Expansion

As healing progresses, couples begin rebuilding deeper forms of connection. This phase explores the seven types of intimacy, including:

Psychological intimacy
Verbal Intimacy
Emotional intimacy
Cognitive/intellectual Intimacy
Creative intimacy
Spiritual intimacy
Physical intimacy

Many couples discover they are not only healing from betrayal but learning how to build a healthier relationship than they previously had.

The Importance of Emotional Safety

One of the core principles of the Intimacy Repair Method is emotional safety. Without safety, the nervous system remains in survival mode, making healthy communication and vulnerability difficult.

At Addo Recovery, we help clients understand:

Why betrayal affects the body and brain
How trauma impacts emotional reactions
Why hypervigilance occurs
How emotional flooding develops
What creates relational safety
How consistent behavior rebuilds trust
Healing often begins when individuals feel emotionally safe enough to slow down, regulate, and engage honestly.

Assessment-Driven Healing

A unique part of the Intimacy Repair Method is the use of structured assessments to help guide treatment and measure progress. These assessments can help individuals and couples better understand:

Emotional safety
Betrayal trauma symptoms
Emotional regulation
Relationship functioning
Accountability patterns
Empathy and compassion skills

This structured approach helps remove guesswork and creates clearer direction throughout the healing process.

Who Can Benefit from the Intimacy Repair Method?

IRM is designed for:

Couples recovering from infidelity
Betrayed partners experiencing trauma symptoms
Individuals struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors
Couples rebuilding trust after deception
Relationships impacted by pornography use
Individuals seeking healthier emotional connection
Couples wanting structured relationship healing

Healing Is Possible

Recovery after betrayal is rarely quick or easy, but healing is possible with the right support, structure, and guidance. Many couples feel hopeless after trust has been broken, yet with intentional work, emotional safety, accountability, and consistent effort, relationships can heal and reconnect.

At Addo Recovery, our therapists are trained in trauma-informed relationship healing and use the Intimacy Repair Method to help individuals and couples move toward stability, trust, emotional connection, and long-term healing.

If you or your relationship are struggling after betrayal, know that you do not have to navigate the process alone. Support, clarity, and healing are available.

If you are dealing with sexual betrayal, unwanted sexual behaviors, and trying to rebuild your relationship after sexual betrayal, I invite you to reach out to your team to get started in your healing journey today!

We are in Utah County --Lindon Utah 199 N. 290 W. Set 150 -- Contact us at: 855-229-2336 or email us at info@addorecovery.com

Betrayal Trauma Therapy in Utah County: What to Expect

Tue, 28 Apr 2026 12:50:01 GMT

Looking for betrayal trauma therapy in Utah County? Learn what to expect from therapy after infidelity, pornography addiction, or relationship betrayal and how healing can begin.

Betrayal Trauma Therapy in Utah County: What to Expect

Discovering infidelity, pornography use, emotional affairs, or hidden sexual behaviors can completely change the way a person experiences safety in a relationship. Many individuals describe the experience as emotionally overwhelming, confusing, and deeply destabilizing. If you are searching for betrayal trauma therapy in Utah County, you are not alone—and healing is possible.

At Addo Recovery in Lindon, Utah County, our therapists specialize in betrayal trauma therapy. This unique type of therapy is designed to help individuals and couples move from chaos and emotional pain toward safety, clarity, and healing.

What Is Betrayal Trauma?

Betrayal trauma occurs when trust is broken in a significant relationship. While many people associate betrayal trauma with infidelity, it can also result from:

Pornography addiction or compulsive sexual behavior
Emotional affairs
Repeated lying or deception
Hidden sexual behaviors
Gaslighting or manipulation
Secret relationships or online activity

Based on our clinical director, Dr. Kevin Skinner's research, many individuals who have experienced betrayal trauma have symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress :

Intrusive thoughts
Hypervigilance
Anxiety or panic
Difficulty sleeping
Emotional flooding
Loss of self-confidence
Obsessive thinking
Difficulty trusting others
Feeling emotionally unsafe

Based on his research with over 15,000 betrayed partners worldwide, these responses common and should not be see as signs of weakness. They are often trauma responses from the nervous system attempting to restore safety.

Why Specialized Betrayal Trauma Therapy Matters

Not all relationship counseling is designed to address betrayal trauma. Traditional couples counseling may focus on communication skills before emotional stabilization and safety have been established. In some situations, therapists can undermine the healing process by only focusing on the partner/spouse who acted out. This is a big mistake as it can leave the betrayed partner feeling left out or can minimize their pain.

Specialized betrayal trauma therapy focuses first on:

Emotional stabilization
Nervous system regulation
Understanding trauma responses
Rebuilding personal safety
Creating healthy boundaries
Developing relational accountability

Over the past 14 years at Addo Recovery, our clinicians have helped individuals not only from Utah but from all over the world. Dr. Skinner offer 3-5 day intensives to accelerate the healing process. Most individuals experiencing infidelity and other forms of sexual deception benefit the most when they seek therapists specifically trained in betrayal trauma, compulsive sexual behavior, infidelity recovery, and attachment-based healing.

What to Expect During Betrayal Trauma Therapy

1. Assessment and Understanding the Impact

The first phase of therapy often includes gaining clarity about what has happened and how the betrayal has impacted your emotional, physical, and relational well-being. Dr. Skinner has created assessments to help you quickly identify your symptoms so that the therapists can help address your needs.

Therapists may explore:

Trauma symptoms
Relationship history
Emotional triggers
Attachment patterns
Current coping strategies
Levels of emotional safety

At our clinic we also use specialized assessments to help measure emotional distress, safety, trust, emotional regulation, and relationship functioning.

2. Stabilization and Emotional Regulation

Before deep relationship repair can occur, most individuals need support calming the body and nervous system.

Therapy may include:

Grounding techniques
Breath work
Nervous system regulation
Mindfulness strategies
Somatic-based interventions
Emotional awareness exercises

Many clients are surprised to learn how much betrayal impacts the body—not just thoughts and emotions.

3. Individual Healing Work

Healing from betrayal often involves rebuilding a relationship with yourself.

This process may include:

Reconnecting with personal identity
Establishing boundaries
Processing grief and loss
Understanding attachment wounds
Rebuilding self-trust
Developing resilience and self-care

Therapy is not simply about saving a relationship. It is also about helping individuals regain emotional stability and confidence.

4. Couples Therapy and Relationship Repair (Using the Intimacy Repair Method created by Dr. Kevin Skinner)

If both partners are committed to healing, couples therapy may become part of the process.

This stage often focuses on:

Accountability
Honesty and transparency
Emotional responsiveness
Structured communication
Rebuilding trust over time
Repairing emotional connection

Healthy repair requires more than apologies. It requires consistent behavioral change, emotional safety, and follow-through.

Common Questions About Betrayal Trauma Therapy

How Long Does Healing Take?

Healing timelines vary depending on the severity of the betrayal, the willingness of both partners to engage in the process, prior trauma history, and the consistency of recovery work. Many individuals begin feeling more emotionally stable within the first few months of consistent support, though deeper relational repair often takes longer.

Should I Attend Individual or Couples Therapy?

In many situations, both can be helpful. Individual therapy helps address trauma symptoms, emotional regulation, and personal healing. Couples therapy focuses on rebuilding trust, communication, and relational repair.

Can Relationships Recover After Betrayal?

Yes. Many couples are able to rebuild stronger, healthier relationships after betrayal when both individuals are willing to engage honestly in the healing process. However, meaningful repair requires accountability, emotional safety, consistency, and patience.

Finding Betrayal Trauma Therapy in Utah County

When searching for betrayal trauma therapy in Utah County, look for therapists or clinics with experience in:

Betrayal trauma

Infidelity recovery

Pornography addiction recovery

Attachment-based therapy

Trauma-informed care

Couples healing and relationship repair

It is important to find a therapist who understands both the trauma experienced by the betrayed partner and the recovery process for the partner who broke trust. Without proper assessment and treatment, many couples struggle for years to get the support they truly need.

Why Individuals and Couples Choose Addo Recovery

For over 14 years, Addo Recovery has helped individuals and couples throughout Utah County heal from betrayal trauma, infidelity, pornography addiction, compulsive sexual behavior, and relationship disconnection.

Our clinicians understand that betrayal trauma is not simply a relationship issue—it is often a nervous system and emotional safety injury that impacts every part of a person’s life. Because of this, we use a trauma-informed and relationship-centered approach designed to help clients stabilize emotionally, rebuild trust, and create lasting healing.

At Addo Recovery , our therapists specialize in:

Betrayal trauma therapy
Infidelity recovery
Pornography addiction recovery
Compulsive sexual behavior treatment
Couples healing and relationship repair
Trauma and emotional regulation
Attachment-based therapy
Individual healing and stabilization

We recognize that each relationship and individual experience is unique. Some clients come seeking clarity and stabilization after discovery, while others are looking to rebuild trust and reconnect after years of pain and disconnection. Our team is committed to helping clients move beyond survival and toward meaningful healing, connection, and emotional safety.

If you are looking for betrayal trauma therapy in Utah County, Addo Recovery provides experienced, specialized support to help guide the healing process. Learn more about our clinicians by clicking here :

Healing Is Possible

The discovery of betrayal can feel overwhelming and isolating. But with proper support, individuals and couples can begin rebuilding stability, safety, and connection. Healing does not happen overnight, but you do not have to navigate the process alone. If you are looking for betrayal trauma therapy in Utah County, reaching out for support may be one of the most important steps toward healing and clarity.

We hope to be a part of your healing journey. You can contact a member of our team at (855-229-2336) or email us at info@addorecovery.com.

5 Powerful Things You Can Do If Your Child Tells You, "I'm Gay."

Sun, 09 May 2021 23:03:25 GMT

You may not have been expecting to hear the words "I'm gay" from your child. Not only did you never envision it, but your religious beliefs and values also do not align with same-sex relationships. So, what do you do now? How do you respond to your child telling you they're gay?

As a parent, you may have had the inclination that your child may be gay. As a result, the news may simply confirm your suspicions, and the conversation may be easy. On the contrary, you may feel angry or shocked. Likewise, you may struggle with the idea and have a natural tendency to shut down the conversation or put it off as merely a phase they're going through. In reality, regardless of how you feel, the way you respond in the first five minutes could set the tone for your child for years to come.

In this article, we'll discuss the critical moments after your child comes to you and says, "I'm gay." With the help of Dr. Devon Mills is a licensed therapist in Atlanta, GA, we'll highlight five powerful things you can do to help create a place of safety and love, regardless of how you feel about your child's sexual orientation.

Finding Out Your Child is Gay

When your child comes to you and says, "I'm gay." you may experience a flood of emotions. Yet, the first five minutes of your response is critical to your child. In fact, how you respond could set the tone for your child for years to come.

Having this conversation with your child may be difficult, especially if you weren't anticipating the news. In an ideal world, the response would be, "We love you no matter what and always will." Then, you'd praise them for having the courage to talk to you. Why?

Before any child or teen talks to their parents, they must work through a variety of potential fears they realize they could soon face. For example, when it comes to sexual orientation, the top concern is often the fear of losing your love. It's no secret that many kids' parents refuse to accept that they're gay. Therefore, your child likely wrestled with this consequence long before they chose to talk to you.

Next, they may fear you will kick them out. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for parents to tell their child they must find a new place to live. As a result, this could also affect your teen's plans for college and largely impact their future. As such, their thoughts and fears leading up to this moment were likely intense and worrisome. Therefore, expressing your unconditional love and praising them for their courage could be pivotal for you and your teen.

3 Important "To-Do's" As You Respond to Your Child Telling You They're Gay

1.Do become curious. There's a difference between being curious versus inquisitive versus going into problem-solving mode. The best way to respond is through genuine curiosity. So, what might that look like?

As you respond, you can ask a question like, "Help me understand, what does it mean when you say you're gay?" This is important because being gay could mean quite a few different things to them.

First, they may feel less attraction to the opposite gender. As a result, they may believe they're gay.

Next, they may not feel interested in their same gender, and they're exploring what that means to them.

Finally, it could mean they feel a sexual attraction to the same gender, and they can confirm it is part of their identity. As such, they've decided they can no longer hold it in and want you to know.

2.Do check your tone. The wrong tone of voice can create defensiveness and bring the conversation to an abrupt halt. It's a good idea to avoid inquisitive questions such as, "How do you know you're gay?" or "What have you done?" These questions can harm the direction of the conversation almost instantly.

3.Do gather information without emotion. There are many ways to get answers to your questions and maintain a sense of calmness. For example:

How long have you known?

How long have you been wrestling with thoughts of being gay?

As you gather data through curiosity, instead of negative emotion, you're showing your desire to understand their experience. Using the phrase "Help me understand." is a great, non-combative way to open up the conversation.

You may experience a wide variety of emotions after learning your child is gay.

The goal of your initial response is to offer love and safety as you get up to speed with your child and where they are. Remember, the best reaction involves a genuine desire to understand what they're experiencing.

After the conversation ends, you'll likely feel a roller coaster of emotions. Over the next few hours, as you sit with the news, you may realize your reaction wasn't what you wished it would have been. Remember, you can never go wrong with an authentic apology.

In situations where being gay violates personal values and beliefs, you may feel as though apologizing is equal to condoning their behavior. However, the two are not the same. Therefore, you can offer an apology for your emotional reaction. Likewise, you can apologize for hurting their feelings, which doesn't mean you're endorsing their choice. For example, you can say, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." "I'm sorry about the emotion that was involved."

Remember, there are many ways to offer validation and an apology without condoning their behavior. For example, ParentGuidance.org offers great resources to help parents.

As you return to the conversation, own the awkwardness if necessary. It's ok to say, "This may be awkward, but I'm genuinely curious." Likewise, you can be authentic and say, "I don't know what to ask or say." Again, reiterating, your goal is to understand, not to persuade or invalidate.

It's ok if you don't know what to do. Now is a good time to lean into your relationship rather than pull away from it.

Wha t to Do When Your Religious Beliefs Do Not Align With Being Gay

In response to your teen being gay, you may feel the urge to say, "We'll pray the gay away." Likewise, you may feel inclined to tell your child this is a phase or how wrong they are for their choice. However, responses like this are destructive and even detrimental.

You may wonder, can we pray the gay away? The answer is no. Although your child is attracted to the same gender, the idea behind the theory is that after a spiritual intervention, they're going to wake up and feel wholeheartedly attracted to the opposite gender. Dr. Mills says in his years of experience, this doesn't happen.

There are ways faith can play a role in your child's life. For example, some will choose to align their values and beliefs by adhering to their faith. As a result, they commit to living a heterosexual lifestyle. However, this doesn't change their sexuality. Instead, it means they're devoted to their value system and faith. They don't pray the gay away. Instead, they find a way to be gay and live a lifestyle congruent to their values.

Learning your child is gay may not align with your values or belief system. However, it's likely showing compassion and love does. It's not often you'll regret offering kindness, safety, and love. Likewise, you can love your child without loving their behaviors.

Your child is still your child. There hasn't been a transformation in your child with this new information. In reality, they may have been wrestling with their thoughts and emotions for years. In other words, you've loved your gay child, the difference is now you know they're gay. Who they are has not changed. This is still your child you've celebrated, loved, comforted, nurtured, and been proud of and, it can remain that way too.

Recap of What to Do When Your Child Tells You, "I'm Gay."

Your reaction to the news that your child is gay will likely have a major impact on your child for years to come. Likewise, it may set the tone for your relationship indefinitely.

Be prepared by incorporating these 5 powerful things into your response to your child telling you, "I'm Gay."

Communicate safety and unconditional love.
Approach the topic of being gay with curiosity. However, if you get it wrong, you can course-correct by offering a sincere apology. Remember, apologizing is not equal to condoning their behavior. Next, if you find it necessary, own the fact that this is difficult for you to discuss. Doing so offers transparency and can create an environment of safety and trust.
Avoid inquisitive questions, and be aware of your tone of voice. If you're experiencing too many emotions to think clearly, it's ok to step away from the conversation for a few minutes and return after you compose your thoughts.
Remember, this is your child, the same child they were just moments before they told you they're gay. Ideas such as praying the gay away are often painful and, in reality, unsuccessful.
Keep in mind shame and rejection do not change sexual orientation. Instead, it creates distance and heartache that can increase as time passes. On the contrary, loving your child without loving their behaviors or choices is always an option.

At AddoRecovery.com, we're working to help paren ts and children come together to discuss complex topics. Learning your child is gay may be a hard conversation to have. However, your child needs you, possibly now more than ever, to show them you, too, can do hard things.

Still Have Parenting Questions?

5 Helpful Tips to Find the Right Therapist to Help You Heal From Betrayal Trauma

Sun, 11 Apr 2021 19:43:23 GMT

Trauma can be very complex and difficult to deal with. Therefore, it is important to understand your own trauma so you can determine how you can heal. Betrayal trauma adds another layer of complexity to the issue of trauma. However, some do not seek treatment. Instead, they live with ongoing symptoms for months and even years. Could you be living with betrayal trauma symptoms?

Betrayal trauma is a type of trauma in which one person deceives or harms another who relies on them for trust, support, security, or survival. For example, this could occur within romantic relationships. When a partner significantly violates trust through infidelity or addiction, it can be traumatic. Another situation could be through a parent-child relationship where there is abuse or neglect. Although difficult, with the help of a therapist, you can begin your healing journey.

In this article, we will talk about betrayal trauma and how it may differ from other trauma such as PTSD. We will also provide 5 helpful tips on how to find the right therapist for you.

How is Betrayal Trauma Different from PTSD?

When there is a severe violation of trust in a relationship, such as a parent-child relationship, betrayal trauma can occur. Some examples could be physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or neglect in childhood. Another example of this form of trauma is infidelity in romantic relationships. Domestic violence can also lead to betrayal trauma. Likewise, in situations where organizations violate the trust of the people, betrayal trauma can occur.

One challenge of betrayal trauma is how we react to it. For example, a spouse may blame themselves rather than hold their partner accountable. Another idea is that because a person relies on the other for support, they may push aside feelings from the trauma to preserve the relationship. For example, to survive, a child may try to ignore the betrayal or begin to dissociate. This can complicate matters. Therefore, it's crucial to find a therapist who can help with these difficult issues.

PTSD occurs when there is a threat of imminent danger to your life or someone around you. For example, war, natural disasters, a severe car accident, or experiencing violence can all lead to PTSD. The difference is, infidelity, for example, when you discover your spouse has been cheating, it's not often that your life is at risk. However, the betrayal can be traumatic. As a result, symptoms similar to PTSD can form.

What Does Betrayal Trauma Feel Like?

AddoRecovery.com specializes in helping and treating those living with betrayal trauma. Regardless of being physical or online, the heartache and suffering from sexual infidelity can be excruciating. Often, it's difficult to explain the wide range of emotions you're feeling. As a result, there are a variety of symptoms that can develop. What does betrayal trauma feel like? What are some of the symptoms you may be experiencing?

Overwhelming emotions
Problems sleeping, falling asleep, staying asleep, sleeping too much
'Brain fog,' hard time focusing, memory issues
Changes in appetite or weight
Anxiety/panic attacks
Depression
Intrusive images/flashbacks
Difficulty caring for self or others
Isolation

This is not an inclusive list of symptoms you may experience. Betrayal trauma is complex and can affect everyone differently.

With professional support, you can begin the healing process. So, how do you find someone you can trust to take this difficult journey with you?

What is the Treatment for Betrayal Trauma?

Healing from betrayal trauma can be very difficult to do on your own. Due to the nature of the issues you may face, we recommend seeking professional help and support.

Finding the right therapist can be a bit of a process. After all, you deserve to feel as comfortable as possible as you work through such complex feelings and issues.

Here are 5 helpful tips that may help you find the right therapist to help you heal from betrayal trauma.

Help and healing can begin when you're working with someone you connect with and trust. This doesn't always happen on the first visit or with the first therapist you see. Remember, it's essential for you to feel a level of trust and connection with your therapist. Therefore, it's ok if you determine you need to switch to someone else.
It's important to find someone who knows how to treat betrayal trauma. Therefore, it may be a good idea to visit a potential therapist's website to discover their specialization. If applicable, you may want to find a therapist who has experience in treating abuse or neglect. Likewise, it may be beneficial to work with a therapist who knows how to identify and treat attachment and trust issues. Therefore, take time to ask questions. This may help you feel confident that you're working with someone you can trust through this challenging process of healing.
If the betrayal occurs with your spouse, you may want to find a therapist who can work with both you and your partner together and individually.
A variety of mental health agencies maintain searchable lists of licensed practitioners in your area. For example, BloomforWomen.com has a list of therapists who are all certified in betrayal trauma therapy.
Ask around. You may have a close group of friends or a religious leader you trust who could recommend someone. Knowing ahead of time that what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another is key. As such, if you find the recommendation falls short of your expectations, it's ok to keep looking until you find the right person.

At the end of the day, your healing and recovery from betrayal trauma are most important.

As such, you deserve to be in a place that feels safe and inviting. At AddoRecovery.co m, we have a wide variety of therapists who have specialized training in treating betrayal trauma. There are a variety of professionals who are eager to help you through this process. Visit our Find a therapist section to start your healing journey today.

How to Rebuild Your Relationship After A Year-Long Pandemic

Thu, 11 Mar 2021 20:05:02 GMT

For over a year now, couples around the world have been dealing with COVID-19. For nearly all of us, we're experiencing something we never have before. With hope on the horizon, it may be a great time to re-evaluate your relationship. Has the pandemic helped or hurt your relationship? Are you stuck in a cycle of negative interactions? If so, what can you do to interrupt the cycle and rebuild your relationship?

One lesson COVID-19 drilled into our minds is that life can change dramatically overnight. For most of us, we won't soon forget the challenges of 2020. As you prepare to start a new chapter, post-COVID-19, you may be thinking about your relationship with your partner. How did you handle the year together? Did your relationship pass the test of time?

Let's talk about some of the secrets to long-lasting relationships and how to reset and rebuild your relationship if necessary.

What are the keys to a long-lasting relationship?

There are some tried-and-true qualities of long-lasting relationships that you're likely familiar with.

These include:

Good communication
Be trustworthy and honest
Keep your own identity (remember you're two people)
Show empathy and respect
Be patient
Weekly date night
Compromise
Apologize and forgive

What can you do to implement these skills to improve your relationship?

Be intentional.

Whether you're focusing on improving communication or offering empathy, be intentional in your efforts. For example, this could mean you set aside distractions when you talk to your spouse to ensure you're truly listening to what is being said.

Be slow to respond and quick to repair.

Stress can affect your relationship in a variety of ways. Often, it reduces patience and increases reactivity. When you recognize you're feeling stressed, try some self-care exercises to help alleviate your emotions. Next, make a conscious effort to recognize your behaviors when you're uptight. Then, practice slowing down your response rate and increase how quickly you offer an apology.

For example, do you tend to have a response in mind before your spouse finishes their sentence? If so, try to be more intentional as you listen. Before you respond, you could try clarifying what you heard first.

Next, do you respond with a lot of emotion? If so, ask yourself why. Then, try using "I statements" to express yourself more calmly. Keeping it about you and your feelings can reduce feelings of defensiveness.

If you find you and your partner can't seem to have a conversation without arguing, you may be stuck in a cycle of negative interactions. If so, your efforts to communicate, empathize, or compromise may be limited.

What does a cycle of negative interactions within a relationship look like?

When couples struggle to communicate or connect, it's easy for negative patterns to form. Without repair, a cycle of negative interactions can take over your relationship.

The cycle starts with a negative emotion. Examples include feelings such as:

anger
frustration
sadness
fear
anxious
overwhelm

When you feel negative emotions, you're likely to turn to a specific behavior. For example, you might:

withdraw, shut down, stop talking
yell, attack with your words
demand
manipulate to get your needs met
repeat what you want over and over

If your partner is also experiencing stress or negative emotions, they're likely to respond on defense. As such, they too will turn to negative behavior. It doesn't take long until this cycle becomes the pattern of how you communicate with one another. As a result, it leads to dissatisfaction within the relationship.

How do you interrupt a cycle of negative interactions within your relationship?

So, you know the secrets to keep your relationship intact, but what can you do when things seem to get off course? Under normal circumstances, learning how to genuinely apologize and offer wholehearted forgiveness can be difficult. Likewise, it can be challenging to schedule date nights and practice compromise. However, adding challenges like working from home or job loss, health issues, and being told to stay home can test any relationship. COVID-19 is causing a lot of issues; stress is easily at the top of the list.

When ongoing stress and frustration pile up, it's likely your partner will be on the receiving end of an eruption. As a result, social distance may find its way into your relationship. It may not take long for you to get stuck in the vicious cycle of negative interactions.

So, how can you begin a new pattern of communication?

First, recognize your part in the cycle. After all, the only thing you can control in your relationship is yourself. Likewise, remind yourself that if you're feeling negative emotions, your partner probably is too. Then you can begin verbalizing your efforts to improve your relationship.

For example, you could say:

"I recognize the negative cycle we're stuck in. I want to try something different."

"I know I'm not the only one who feels stressed/overwhelmed/worried."

"I realize I'm unapproachable when I'm angry."

As you practice this new style of communication, you may see your relationship start to improve.

The pandemic has impacted everyone in one way or another. If your relationship has taken a hit, you're not alone. Many couples may be stuck in a cycle of negative interactions. The good news is, it doesn't have to be permanent. At AddoRecovery.com , we have many resources that may help you rebuild your relationship. Visit our website to learn more.

Can Both Discovery and Disclosure Lead to Betrayal Trauma?

Mon, 15 Feb 2021 19:35:49 GMT

That was it; discovering your spouse has been lying and manipulating situations to engage in porn hit so hard it took your breath away. But that's not all; trust came crashing down like a chandelier from the ceiling, shattering your sense of reality. As tears stream down your cheeks, you can't decide if you're more angry or devastated. Although there may not be words to describe how you're feeling, there may be a term that encompasses it all, betrayal trauma.

Betrayal trauma is the result of a traumatic experience where your partner betrays your trust, safety, or security. It can occur in almost instantly. Finding out about the betrayal can be traumatic regardless of whether you discover it on your own or if your spouse discloses it. While emotions flood your mind, you may not know how to react. The important thing to know is you are not alone. There are many who are walking in your shoes right now. Likewise, there are avenues of support available that may help you get through this difficult time.

In this article, we'll talk about betrayal trauma. We'll also discuss the differences between discovery and disclosure.

What is betrayal trauma?

B etrayal trauma is the result of a severe betrayal of trust within a relationship. This type of trauma is likely to occur between couples. However, betrayal trauma can also occur when one depends upon another for security and safety, and that is violated. For example, children who are neglected or abused by their parents or caretakers can develop betrayal trauma.

Many who are living with betrayal trauma experience many conflicting emotions. The betrayal can lead to chaos and confusion. Furthermore, it can lower your self-esteem and distort your perception of reality. It can also reduce feelings of safety and security.

What are the symptoms of betrayal trauma?

Symptoms of betrayal trauma can be similar to those of PTSD. They can be both physical and mental.

Let's highlight a few:

Inability to focus
Sleeplessness
Irritability
Anxiety
Depression
Anger
Mood swings
Hypervigilance
Obsessive and compulsive thoughts and actions

Discovering Betrayal Trauma

T here's a variety of circumstances that can find out about a betrayal. For example, due to the pandemic, many are working from home now. So, the ability to hide an addiction or infidelity is much more difficult. As a result, more partners are facing the consequences of such a betrayal.

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned psychologist researcher. He has years of breakthrough research. He says, "Betrayal is the secret that lies at the heart of every failing relationship – it is there even if the couple is unaware of it." (gottman.com)

There are two ways you can find out about a betrayal, through discovery and disclosure. While both can lead to betrayal trauma, one may lead to a quicker road to healing than the other.

Discovery is unintentional. For example, this occurs when someone is caught in the act or mistakingly leads their partner to their secret. Typically, it's shocking, highly emotional, and can catch both of you off guard. As a result, it may lead to more lies rather than transparency.

For example, you may discover your partner has a porn addiction when you walk into the home office late one night. Instantly there would be a lot of explaining to do. However, your partner, being caught off guard, may not just come out and disclose the issue at hand.

Disclosure Can Still Cause Betrayal Trauma.

D isclosure is the opposite of discovery. It occurs when your partner comes to you ready to discuss their actions. Likewise, it's voluntary and is often planned out. Usually, the intent of disclosure is to take accountability and offer transparency. Although being told about a betrayal may be less heated and confrontational, it's not likely to hurt any less. Similarly, it can be as traumatic as discovery. Both can lead to betrayal trauma.

Amid your heartache of discovery or disclosure, you may find some clarity. How? Suddenly you may understand why there have been so many "late nights" at work. Now you may recognize why asking questions has resulted in such bitter, cold, defensive answers. Likewise, specific behaviors you were trying to understand may make perfect sense now. As such, you may realize your instincts have actually been spot on.

Disclosure is painful; there's just no way around it. Betrayal trauma within a relationship can be difficult to work through and heal. Some couples can heal; others can't. There are many factors that may determine the success the two of you will have.

The important thing is, regardless of whether your relationship survives, you get help and support to heal from your betrayal trauma. You deserve to process your emotions and work through the devastating moment that flipped your world upside-down.

Through our Addo Recovery Network , you can find many resources that may help you in your healing process. There are many platforms designed with you in mind. For example, BloomForWomen has a network of over 40,000 women working to heal from betrayal. To learn more about betrayal trauma or to find support, visit our website today.

I'm Ready to Leave My Sex Addiction Behind, But Now What?

Mon, 11 Jan 2021 18:58:22 GMT

So, you're at a point where you're ready to leave your sex addiction behind, but what will you do instead?

For many addicts, this is a question that can make the unknown seem too daunting to step into. After all, if you don't have your sex addiction to turn to, then what do you have? Likewise, what will you do when intense emotions or cravings come? What activities can serve as a substitute for sex addiction behaviors? While the answer will vary for everyone, it's possible to find many good alternatives. However, finding a new, fulfilling activity isn't likely to be the key to recovery.

In this article, we'll talk about what sex addiction is. We'll provide some possible substitutions that may help you rediscover enjoyment and satisfaction. Likewise, we'll offer some insight into what may be the essential part of leaving your sex addiction behind.

What is sex addiction?

Sex addiction is when sexual impulses or urges become compulsive and uncontrollable. Likewise, the addiction becomes an excessive preoccupation that can leave one stuck in a world of fantasy. When life, or areas of life, become unmanageable without specific behaviors, it's likely due to an addiction. With sex addiction, the 'high' comes through carrying out sexual behaviors. Sex addiction can be extremely dangerous to both your physical and emotional health. Likewise, it can destroy relationships, careers, and family life. Like any other addiction, sex addiction has a significantly negative impact on life.

There continues to be a debate among professionals within the field about whether or not 'sex addiction is real:

You won't find sex addiction in the DSM.
It isn't easy to define, especially when society identifies what is normal and what is not. Then there's the issue that you don't ingest a substance; therefore, it doesn't ignite the bring like other addictions.
The lack of evidence and research seems to dominate the conversation for nay-sayers.

On the contrary, behavioral addictions, such as gambling, have made their way into the DSM. Sex addiction appears to be in line to fit into this category. Next, because of the context of the addiction, it's difficult to identify how many people have a sex addiction. So while the diagnosis is more complex than 'yes' or 'no,' the debate isn't often about the reality of the problems you're living with.

Why, then, does it matter? Well, without a label as an official diagnosis, it limits funding for research. Likewise, it opens the door for denial of health insurance coverage for treatment. The good news is, there are support groups and clinicians with access to resources that may be able to help.

Moving Toward Sex Addiction Recovery

As you begin your journey toward recovery, you may be wondering what activities you can replace your sex addiction with. First, it's important to be aware of switch addictions. Moving from one addiction to another is a common occurrence. However, although it may feel healthier, a switch addiction can still negatively impact your life. Excess instead of balance is the essence of addiction. So, as you begin to look for alternatives, keep in mind the goal is to leave all addictive behaviors behind you. In other words, as you discover new, fulfilling activities, the root of the problem driving your addiction likely still exists. Therefore, a pivotal part of your journey will be working through underlying issues. As you begin to heal, the need to replace one behavior with another can also diminish.

Ok, so let's talk about some alternatives that you might turn to instead of your sex addiction behaviors.

First, to find something that will work for you, you can make a list of things you like to do, used to enjoy, or would like to try.

Here are some ideas to get you working towards sex addiction recovery:

running, weight lifting
swimming, fishing, paddle boarding
biking, hiking
yoga, meditation
drawing, painting, puzzles
reading, cooking

Finding activities you enjoy may help you keep your mind busy and serve as a distraction, which can be helpful and useful. For example, discovering alternatives to your behaviors can help you build self-confidence. Likewise, it can help in moments of boredom or unexpected free time. However, true healing can begin as you discover the driving force behind your sex addiction. In other words, replacing your behaviors with new activities can be beneficial. However, finding and resolving the 'why' to your addiction is more likely to lead to healing and recovery.

What Does Sex Addiction Treatment Look Like?

There are a variety of treatment options available for sex addiction. For example, programs can range from support groups to inpatient treatment facilities.

Support groups that incorporate a 12-step program can be a great resource.
Working with a licensed clinician may be a great way to get to the root of the problem. Furthermore, you can learn healthy coping skills.
Inpatient facilities can help set you up for success, especially as you experience withdrawals. Likewise, you'll be in an environment that may help you acquire impulse control skills.

As you go through treatment, part of the healing process will be learning how to cope with negative emotions and other triggers. Furthermore, discovering healthy alternatives to stressors may help a person from relapsing. Treatment options can vary in terms of frequency, in or outpatient, and the therapeutic approach used. Likewise, remember, you are not alone. While you'll face difficult challenges along the way, recovery may make all of your effort worth it. As a result, there are many people and resources available to help you through your journey.

The key to healing from sex addiction is finding the root of the problem and processing it. At the same time, learning new skills to help you handle other issues when they arise will be vital. You deserve to move forward and leave your sex addiction behind and today is a great day to get started.

Learn more or get started today with these free resources (pathformen.com) .

What Boundaries Can I Set to Help Keep My Children Safe While They Use Their New Electronics?

Tue, 15 Dec 2020 00:17:03 GMT

As your child anxiously awaits the arrival of their new Christmas present, you too may find yourself anxious but for many different reasons. With so many dangers lurking on the internet, many parents wonder if the boundaries they have in place are enough to keep their children safe. As such, you may be wondering what boundaries to set in order to keep your child safe too.

As a parent, you want to keep your children safe from harmful online content and predators. You also understand the importance of connections with friends and screen time. Likewise, you know they need internet access, but your schedule doesn't allow you to monitor them every moment they're on a device. Is it possible to set boundaries that are strong enough to keep them safe?

In this article, we'll talk about some boundaries to consider that may help protect your kids while they enjoy their new electronics.

Can Electronics Lead to Pornography Addiction, Even With Boundaries in Place?

In short, the answer is yes. Children with parents who set strict boundaries and perform regular phone checks may still develop a porn addiction. But how?

Electronics can be a dangerous playground for kids. For example, Xbox, Playstation, Instagram, TikTok, and Snapchat can provide quick access to adult material. Likewise, these platforms often aim to keep users hooked to generate longer screen time. As a result, their algorithms promote addictive behavior themes. Even with boundaries in place, the algorithms that lead to addictive behaviors are often unnoticeable.

According to squarespace.com , 79% of accidental exposure to internet porn occurs in the home. Even with boundaries, filters, phone checks, and limits in place, exposure still happens. Often, exposure is accidental or innocent curiosity. However, not knowing what pornography is or the dangers of it could easily lead to more views.

So, as you decide which boundaries will be best for your family, keep in mind, the first line of defense may not be boundaries. Instead, communication and action plans may be much more effective.

What Is Most Important to Communicate as I Set Boundaries With My Kids?

It can be difficult to talk to your children about pornography, sex, and sex trafficking. However, in this day, the consequences of avoiding these conversations can be dangerous. Discussing these topics are as important as teaching them to avoid smoking, drugs, and underage drinking. So, before you dive into setting boundaries, it's important to first educate your kids about the dangers that come with internet access. In other words, help them understand the 'why' behind the rules you're going to put in place.

You can begin talking to your kids about pornography at a young age. If you're uneasy discussing the topic, ask yourself why? By working through your feelings, you can foster a healthier discussion. Furthermore, as you practice talking about uncomfortable subjects, it can get easier. Likewise, you can create an environment where your kids feel safe enough to come to you with their questions. One of the best things you can communicate to your kids is that there is safety in talking to you about anything. Then, continue to show them that communication is good and that you want to talk to them.

What Boundaries Can I Set to Help Keep My Children Safe?

It's always a good idea to layout boundaries and expectations before you hand over their newest electronic to play with, even on Christmas. Likewise, it's important to communicate that there is safety in telling you if an issue arises.

There are many boundaries you may choose to put in place. Likewise, what matters to one family may not matter to another. However, an important component of setting any boundary is consistent enforcement.

So, let's talk about some boundaries you may want to consider implementing.

Many smartphones have parental controls that you can set. You may want to set boundaries with accounts they can set up and apps they download. Likewise, you may want to discuss the music and game ratings they're allowed to access.

Next, you may want to set boundaries around friends with access to the internet. For example, you could have a plan in place in case a friend who doesn't have parental controls set shows them porn. You can role-play with your children so they know how to handle the situation. Doing so can help them feel confident with how to respond if they find themselves in this position.

Another boundary to consider focuses on online gaming. Often, if you're playing online games, you're interacting with strangers. As a result, you may limit their play to friends only. Or, talk to them about what interactions with a stranger are ok, and not ok.

Consider boundaries around privacy settings and what information they can share with others. Setting a boundary about sharing their location can be critical to their safety.

Finally, you may want to consider setting boundaries regarding where electronics can go. For example, you may not want electronics in bedrooms or any room with a lock on the door.

Some final thoughts about boundaries

Setting boundaries isn't typically the fun part of being a parent. However, they are essential. While they can vary from family to family, their importance remains the same. Keeping our children safe from porn addiction, mental health issues, and sex trafficking seems to be harder than ever before. Yet, good communication and healthy boundaries seem to provide the best safety net possible.

A final thought about setting boundaries is to be transparent with your children. If you're going to do phone checks, do them randomly, but first, let your children know you'll be asking for their phones at any given time to do so. This can help you maintain a level of trust with them. Likewise, if you're going to monitor their activity using an app, tell them what you're doing instead of keeping it a secret. A great way to nourish trust with your children is to be open and transparent with them.

Remember, the purpose of boundaries isn't to instill fear or leave them full of curiosity. Instead, the goal is to find balance in keeping your kids safe while embracing all the great things the internet has to offer.

Are you a mom living with betrayal trauma?

Fri, 11 Sep 2020 19:44:51 GMT

Sexual infidelity and addictions can create intense emotions for all people involved and can quickly lead to betrayal trauma. In a recent study, 43% of women admitted they do not seek out immediate help to heal such a trauma. Sadly, far too many women feel the trauma's damaging side effects for more than two years before seeking help.

Why do women and mothers wait so long before starting the healing process?

First, let's define betrayal trauma. Thrive Relational Recovery in Colorado defines betrayal trauma like this:

"Trust is something you didn't question with your spouse. After all the time you've spent together developing trust, your bond felt solid. Likewise, that bond has provided you with safety and security for a while now.

Then, the unthinkable happened. Now, you're dealing with grief and a sense of betrayal, unlike anything you have ever felt before. Emotions like anger, sadness, and fear are now rushing through you as if a dam within just broke.

It feels traumatic because you're experiencing the symptoms of trauma. After all, betrayal is emotional trauma. While your physical life may not be a stake, it may feel like the well-being of your mental state is long gone."

" Take 6 Skills All Trauma Mama Need" on Bloomforwomen.com free

There is a natural tendency for mothers to set their needs aside during betrayal trauma situations. Putting your needs first may not be something you even know how to do anymore. Sometimes moving forward again requires some extra help.

In the end, if you are feeling the effects of your betrayal trauma, it's ok to reach out for support. If this has happened to you, we can help. Addo Recovery can find a therapist for virtual or in-person therapy sessions in your area.

What are the effects of not healing?

During the first few weeks or months of your healing process, you'll learn how interconnected your body is to the betrayal trauma. Unresolved betrayal trauma can leave you with both long-term physical and emotional problems. Above all, you'll learn why it is so vital for you to heal for yourself.

In Addo Recovery's study of 400 women, nearly 50% of the women seen professionally were diagnosed with depression. Furthermore, almost 38% had anxiety. Below are some of the most common physical, mental, and emotional side effects of betrayal trauma for women.

"Frozen" or lack of knowledge on how to move on
Struggle to fall asleep
A belief you'll never love again
Feel anxious and depressed
Desire to be alone all the time
You have suicidal thoughts
Flashbacks or memory triggers of your relationship
Confused or "Foggy" thought process
Struggling to become engaged
You don't feel like you're good enough parent
Feeling tired or lack of energy
Weight gain or loss
Altered mood: irritability, aggression, risky or destructive behaviors
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
Headaches, heartburn, etc.
Feeling shameful or embarrassed
Avoidant, reserved, or shutdown
Denial, false sense of reality

Are you experiencing any of these symptoms as a result of your betrayal trauma? There are many women, specifically mothers, who are. The good news is there are options and ways to get your health back.

Join more than 10,000 women who have taken "Healing from Betrayal Trauma" on Bloomforwomen.com

It is important to remember that through your healing process, you may continue to struggle with physical, mental, or emotional symptoms. Undoubtedly, the severity of these symptoms can vary significantly from person to person. The length of time to heal can vary, too, dependent upon your background, your role, and the nature of the traumatic event. Nevertheless, there is always hope for recovery and healing.

As a mother ready to take the courageous step to begin healing, we want to help you to understand betrayal trauma is real. With the right support plan, channels, and therapist's guidance, you will be able to find peace. You will learn how it's affecting you and how you can respond. Again, this beginning phase is crucial to your success. It sets the framework for your healthy recovery and the ability to live a normal life.

Addo Recovery specializes in Betrayal Trauma. If you or someone you know needs betrayal trauma help, Addo Recovery may be a valuable resource for you.

Sexual Addiction Recovery Begins with Acknowledging All Parts of Yourself

Tue, 14 Jul 2020 22:35:42 GMT

Exiles, managers, and firefighters, oh my! If you're ready to begin your recovery process, you'll need to calm the war within your heart. As you give each part of yourself a voice, you can start healing from the inside out.

The process of overcoming sexual addiction is challenging (Bloomforwomen.com) for everyone in the family. As each of you identifies each part of yourself, your path to healing will become more evident. The good news is, we're here to help you understand just exactly what these parts are. Furthermore, we can help the whole family move forward together.

In this article, we'll discuss exiles, managers, and firefighters. We'll help you see how the Internal Family Systems model can lead you to a successful recovery.

Healing a Sexual Addiction through the Internal Family Systems Approach

Sexual addictions are on the rise at an alarming rate. Families across the world are fighting to win the battle. Likewise, many are looking for clarity about addiction and how to heal.

A successful therapeutic approach for healing sexual addiction is through the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model. IFS therapy identifies the inner parts of our mind that work together to fight negative thoughts and beliefs. We believe each part exhibits specific behaviors. As a result, individuals can gain clarity behind the why of their addictions.

IFS therapy can be life-changing. As you identify your exiles, managers, and firefighters, you'll find new ways to give them a voice. As a result, the process can lead you to full recovery from your sexual addiction.

Sexual Addiction Recovery Can Begin by Identifying Your Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters.

Each of us, working toward recovery, or not, has an internal family system. This system is comprised of exiles, managers, and firefighters. As such, each of our parts exhibits specific behaviors when situations arise.

Our exiles hold on to and display the negative thoughts that become our core beliefs over time. Our core beliefs are not who we are; instead, who we believe or fear we are. Exiles take on the job of shining a light on those negative beliefs. As a result, they create an internal dialogue of thoughts like, "I'm not enough." "I'm not loveable." "Something is wrong with me." "I'm worthless." "I'm broken." "I'm ___." Often, addictions form as a way to numb out or quiet our exiles. A negative belief you developed earlier in life is likely at the root of your sexual addiction.

When exiles are in charge, we often feel shame in one way or another. So, to intervene, our brain calls out for someone else to step in and take charge. Queue our protectors, also known as our managers, and firefighters. They work to calm and regulate us but in very different ways. Managers work to prevent the exiles from taking over, while firefighters react for quicker results.

Our managers exhibit behaviors like perfectionism, control, being passive-aggressive, or overachieving. On the contrary, our firefighter's behaviors include yelling, rage, addiction, over-eating, or violence. In other words, our managers are proactive while our firefighters are reactive. Your sexual addiction is likely a behavior your firefighters led you to in an attempt to quiet your exiles.

Why Healing From Sexual Addiction, or Any Addiction, Gets Easier as We Identify Our Parts.

As you begin to work toward your recovery, you will likely have some tough battles along the way. Often, our parts are triggered and flare up before we even have a moment to realize what has happened. For example, talking about your addiction can lead to shame and trigger your exiles. In an instant, you find yourself on the defense. You begin yelling uncontrollably. Then, your managers feel devastated by your firefighter's behaviors. As a result, your exiles are filled with shame. Thus, the cycle continues as the firefighters rush back in. All this can happen in a matter of seconds. As such, you may feel defeated or hopeless and want to run back to your sexual addiction.

However, as you begin to understand and identify each part of your IFS, you will learn how to give each a voice. For example, instead of punching the wall, you give your firefighter a voice by saying, "I'm so angry, I want to punch the wall. Rather than turning to your sexual addiction, you'll learn how to turn away from it.

As we begin to break up our IFS behavior cycle, our core self begins to lead our thoughts. As a result, the battle within ends and true healing and recovery begins.

Recovery from Sexual Addiction Leads us Back to Our Core Self.

At the core of who you are, you are calm, clear-minded, connected, compassionate, and curious. Likewise, you are the best version of you, when you're attuned to your core self. When our negative core beliefs begin directing our thoughts, our internal family system takes over. This often leads to addiction or other unwanted behaviors. In other words, your sexual addiction is not who you are; it's a behavior you've turned to.

The road to sexual addiction recovery is difficult. However, navigating it gets easier as you learn how to avoid the pitfalls that lead you back to your addiction. Addo Recovery can help you through this process. We are here to help everyone in your family identity their IFS, so everyone can lead and live from their authentic core self. You can schedule an appointment with us today.

Why is identifying and acknowledging addiction so difficult?

eric@addorecovery.com (Eric Red) — Tue, 23 Jun 2020 17:13:22 GMT

For some clients, defining addiction is easy. Yet, believing they are addicted to something is a different story.

There is a reason why many say the first step of the recovery process is the hardest. Admitting you have an addiction can be very difficult.

For some clients, defining addiction is easy. Yet, believing they are addicted to something is a different story. Your partner may view your behavior as unmanageable, yet, you are certain you are in control. If this sounds familiar, counseling sessions can help. Therapists help couples work together to define and identify addiction.

In this article, we'll discuss addiction. We'll talk about why it can be so difficult for some to see that life has become unmanageable. Finally, we'll provide some questions you can ask yourself to help identify a possible addiction.

How negative core beliefs lead to dependency and addiction

Let's talk about how addition works. There are four core beliefs of addiction. Each belief seems to lead to the next one. As a result of these core beliefs, patterns form and can lead to addiction.

These are the four core beliefs of addiction:

I'm _______. I'm bad. I'm not enough. I'm unloveable. It is common for all of us to wrestle with this core belief from time to time. With addiction, however, as patterns begin to form, this core belief seems to become more ingrained into our minds.
Nobody will love me if they really know me. This core belief is a very common fear for many people. We are hard-wired for attachment, so it's easy to fear rejection. Repeating negative behaviors cause the roots of this core belief to dig in deeper. This leads to the third core belief.
I'm responsible to take care of myself. In other words, I tell myself, "If someone really knows who I am, they won't want me." "If I rely on someone, they'll probably reject me." This belief leads to the final core belief, which is where addiction forms.
I need ___. You begin to pursue something to fulfill a need. For one with a sexual addiction, sexuality becomes the need. A sexual response fulfills the need. In time, a sexual response will no longer be about having a connection. Instead, a sexual response becomes emotional coping.

Negative core beliefs are often at the root of the addiction. Through therapy, you can redefine each of these core beliefs.

“An addiction problem is highly associated with a life problem. It's easy to numb or escape or sedate the challenges we face. If you find you aren't living to your potential, and your repeating behaviors or patterns of emotions and beliefs that don't help you improve, it's probably worth taking an honest look at what behaviors are out of your values and how you are using them, then decide if you're willing to unlock your potential and do what it takes to remove unhelpful behaviors and start doing ones that bring you to life.“ - Austin Ellis, LMFT & Founder of Be The Rise

Dependency and addiction.

One of the issues with identifying an addiction is that the word dependency feels subjective. How dependent you think you are, might be the opposite of what your partner thinks.

An addiction is when you no longer have a physical or psychological ability to stop or control your behavior, regardless of the harm it's causing. You're unable to stop participating in an activity that is physically or psychologically hurts you. Your ability to stop is replaced with, "This is the only way life is manageable." In other words, if life feels out of control without a certain something, you've likely developed a dependency. If this strikes a chord, you may have an addiction. Many, however, struggle to perceive their life as unmanageable. Identifying dependency can be difficult because acknowledging dependence is usually connected with shame.

For example, a lot of clients with sexual addictions have different experiences than those with drug addictions. A sexual addict may not feel a sense of withdrawal or frequently need a 'fix.' Furthermore, they may not view their addiction as negatively impacting their life. Other addicts may not believe their addiction has become progressively unmanageable. Therefore, they wouldn't describe their use or behavior as something they're dependent upon.

For many people, the term unmanageable feels subjective. The way your loved one defines unmanageable may be different than the way you define it. Your partner may tell you you're in denial. You may feel resistant to the word dependency because you genuinely don't feel like you need it in order to manage life. As a result, discussing dependency can lead to a rather heated debate. It may be most beneficial to seek professional help. Together, with your therapist, you can work through your different viewpoints.

The forming of an addiction.

Often, clients determine they do not have an addiction because it doesn't feel adherently 'bad' or damaging. While one may feel more harmful than another, all addictions are tied to compulsion. Likewise, the science behind addiction is the same across the board. Furthermore, all addictions leave the addict in a vicious cycle of dependency upon something in order to manage life.

There are not many differences between the formation of chemical and sexual addictions. For example, chemical addiction is a pathological relationship with a mood-altering substance. The chemical runs through the blood to the brain. Then, the brain gets an overload of other chemicals, which feels good. They experience a sense of satiation, relaxation, or excitement. Eventually, the brain wants that again.

Similarly, sexual addiction forms the same way. The difference is it's a pathological relationship with a mood-altering experience. The process is the same; the addict ends up with the same high. The difference is, the chemical release in the brain comes through the eyes rather than by injection. The brain experiences the same process; the delivery to the brain is the difference.

How to determine if life is unmanageable and if there is an addiction?

As we previously stated, identifying how unmanageable things might be can vary widely. Hearing your loved one tell you you have an addiction can leave you feeling defensive. Likewise, discussing the facts around your addiction can lead to frustration and anger.

You can help determine if you have an addiction by asking yourself these questions:

Do you have a loss of concentration when working on projects at work, home, or school? Are you flooded with thoughts of needing to act out?
Do you often find yourself lost in a fantasy?
Do you need to distract yourself from your thoughts so you can stay on task?
Are you too distracted to finish your assignments?
Are you less productive at work than you used to be? How present are you at home? Are you interacting with your loved ones less than you used to?
Do you need to smoke, drink, or inject something to be 'present' around people?
Do you lack self-confidence?
Do you struggle with the ability to connect to your spouse or your family?

All of these could be indicators that life has become unmanageable. As a result of negative core beliefs, an addiction upon something may be controlling your life in one aspect or another.

There is help for you at Addo Recovery. Identifying and acknowledging an addiction can be the hardest part of the process. We're ready to help you through this process and regain your freedom.

Why 86% of the couples rebuilding trust succeed in their relationship after a betrayal

Tue, 14 Apr 2020 21:42:38 GMT

When it comes to rebuilding trust after betrayal trauma, why is it that some couples make it and others don't?

To put it lightly, rebuilding trust after a sexual betrayal, such as infidelity or sexual addiction, is hard work. It requires three things to be successful. The first is being open to discussing the events in extensive detail with the spouse who was betrayed. Second, it requires the betrayer to answer all their spouse's questions. Finally, it requires in-depth transparency and vulnerability. As a result, a more profound connection within the relationship can form. In fact, more than 86% of couples stay together when both agree to be vulnerable, completely honest, and dedicate themselves to the process.

In this article, we will propose essential elements to rebuilding trust after a betrayal trauma situation occurs. Couples can and are rebuilding trust after betrayal . Many couples heal, reconnect, and fall in love again; you can too.

What successful couples are doing to rebuild trust

Today, research shows couples are more likely to remain married if they commit to the process of working through the betrayal. The process leads to rebuilding trust within the relationship. The first step of the process is opening up the discussion. Approaching your spouse with a willingness to be open, allows each of you a space to choose to move forward.

Undoubtedly, the most productive step of the process is the second step. It is the discussion that involves asking and answering questions. Most couples that succeed in saving their marriage find this is the most difficult step. Yet, opening up and answering each other's questions is necessary. This part of the process requires authentic transparency. For the spouse who has been betrayed, this step may provide the most clarity. The good news is, in a survey of 1000 couples, 86% of the couples who committed to this step, remained married.

As a couple, working with your therapist, you can begin to process all the raw emotions around trust. We provide the setting, which facilitates rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding trust through discussing the details

Discussing the situation, in full detail, is hard. These discussions are critical for success within the relationship. It is common for both to experience intense emotions, but for very different reasons.

Rebuilding trust requires the events leading up to, during, and after the betrayal be fully exposed. With the help of a trained therapist, this step is possible.

In fact, based on research , Dr. Kevin Skinner shares how these discussions are vital to the success of the marriage.

32% of those who discussed the situation very little detail, gained very little trust
42% of those who addressed the situation in some detail, earned a fair amount of trust back
58% of those who discussed the situation in great detail, rebuilt most of their trust back

Our therapists are helping couples in these situations every day. Your therapist can guide both of you through the complex emotions you're experiencing as you begin rebuilding trust.

Why answering the betrayed spouse's questions is so important to rebuilding trust

Trust begins to rebuild when the betraying spouse decides to answer their spouses' questions in full disclosure. There is significant value to this because it helps the betrayed spouse begin to put the pieces together. After a betrayal, it is common for the spouse to need to identify what warning signs they were missing. Furthermore, in order to heal, the spouse will likely need and want to know why, when, where, what, and how.

"Yes, vulnerability is a risk; yes, we may get hurt. But we have to ask ourselves what is the greater risk, experimenting with authenticity and vulnerability and possibly getting hurt, or living a life of disconnection, loneliness, and pain? Letting ourselves be seen will be one of the bravest things we can ever do, and the potential for joy is worth every risk."

- Rebecca Knudsen MS, LMFT

As the couple begins this part of the process, it is imperative the betraying spouse understands how critical this step is. This step requires patience and empathy. If the spouse is quick to shut down the questions, it prolongs the healing process. Through thoughtful guidance, a couple can work through the toughest step of rebuilding trust.

How rebuilding trust allows you to see each other again

For most betrayed spouses in a relationship, it's easy to build up walls around any positive feelings toward your spouse. Anger can take over, and you may begin to view your spouse as the enemy. You begin to see them as the person who hurt you and nothing more. As a result, more anger and irritation set in. A real breaking point in any relationship is when couples only see the negative in one another. A therapist can help couples overcome these barriers. Couples can begin to see each other again.

As couples begin working through issues, it becomes necessary to discuss where you both feel you're at in the present moment. A feeling of hopelessness may be the dominant emotion one is feeling, while the other feels a sense of hope. The opposition alone can leave one or both feeling as though it is pointless to continue working.

Addo Recovery is here to help you through these complications. We understand the road to healing can be unclear at times, and we can help provide clarity.

Unresolved hurt and pain interferes with rebuilding trust

Individuals may or may not recognize they have unresolved issues. Unresolved issues obstruct the ability to connect in relationships and marriage. Furthermore, unresolved hurt and pain can build up over time and negatively impact the relationship. Likewise, if you have unresolved issues or trauma, it can prevent you from being able to commit to a relationship wholeheartedly.

As humans, we all long for connection. A connection is where authentic intimacy resides. It is a fundamental component within a relationship. Connection and intimacy will lead you back to the familiarity of each other. If you are missing the ability to connect or reconnect, unresolved issues may be the culprit.

By uncovering and confronting your problems, you allow yourself the ability to heal and connect. Moreso, you are opening the door to rebuilding trust and reconnecting with your spouse.

"As a couple resolves this ultimate dilemma, they develop a level of trust and confidence in the relationship that enables them to follow through no matter what comes ahead." - David Ferrell MEd, LPC, CAC III

If you are in a relationship, struggling to rebuild trust due to a betrayal event, there is hope. You can be successful in rebuilding trust. It is possible for you to be able to genuinely see your spouse again. This may require the assistance of a trained therapist. There is support for you at Addorecovery.com .

Six Key Elements in Supporting a Loved One Overcome Pornography Addiction

Fri, 13 Mar 2020 21:14:20 GMT

Incredible women can feel alone as they support their loved one. We, at Addo, can offer guidance, support and community.

At some point in your life, you will likely know someone with a pornography addiction. For so many, this growing epidemic has become a new reality. As a society, we're no longer turning our heads away from this significant problem. Likewise, the attention is now on healing the addiction. Problematically, our support appears to focus predominantly on men. It's sad to think many women giving full support are often left behind in the process of recovery.

Often, a good woman walks the path alongside a man on the road to recovery. At the same time, she's traveling a separate path of her own. The harsh reality is a woman's supportive path is generally a lonely and unsupported one. At Addo Recovery , we recognize this emotional and stressful time in her life. For that reason, we offer free services, geared specifically toward women in a supporting role. You can sign-up today at bloomforwomen.com . There you will receive access to our resources and addiction courses.

When you begin supporting a person with a sexual/pornography addiction, knowing what to say or do can be difficult. It is very helpful to learn and understand all you can about the addiction. For example, what are the behaviors and characteristics of an addiction? What can you be watching for? As a result, as you learn the nature of an addiction, you'll be able to discover your essentiality within the process of addiction recovery. At Addo Recovery, we teach supporters the tools that aid in approaching and supporting addicts as their addiction is confronted, addressed, and changed.

Additionally, we provide the ability to connect the addict and the supporter with trained pornography addiction therapists. Research and experience show each side hurting from addiction, both the addict and their close loved ones, benefit from professional support and guidance. Neither has to walk through their painful journey alone.

ELEMENT #1: PORNOGRAPHY EXPOSURE

Whether you are a wife, mother, sister, or friend, each of you play a role in helping the person you care about. You are critical to his recovery process. We want you to understand the behavioral environments of his addiction. Studies have shown sexual habits are beginning at younger ages. Consequently, the younger the age an addiction starts, the more rooted it becomes by adulthood.

"In my experience, most cases of addiction to pornography actually started between ages 10 and 14. The problem is that addiction starts with exposure and children are exposed to pornography in a variety of settings. At a friends house, an older brothers magazine, parents DVD, R-rated movies, Victoria's Secret catalogues, email pop-ups - they all arouse curiosity connected to arousal. It is becoming easier and easier for children to come across pornography in their everyday lives." - DR. KEVIN SKINNER (The Six Key Elements that Form a Sex/Porn Addiction)

Addictions start with exposure, no matter the age. Every day we are exposed to sexual images and explicit innuendos. As adults, we may or may not even realize it. Our children are no different, especially our teenagers.

Many adults can exhibit mental restraint to block these images and innuendos out. Yet it isn’t as easy for many to turn away from the source. It seems as though many adults are becoming numb to this exposure. Viewing sexual media appears to have become an acceptable practice by society's standards. Like it or not, it seems to be flowing into our lives, phones, homes, and communities. If left unchecked, unintentional exposure can lead to intentional exposure. Without proper intervention, deliberate exposure can lead to an addiction .

ELEMENT #2: INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE

Why does a child or an adult develop a pornography addiction? A parent's style of parenting can play a significant part in the development of an addiction. On the flip side, it can play a role in a child’s recovery too. A parent’s loving involvement helps a child to develop an ability to cope and process the world around him. A sister’s interactions can also help her sibling in his recovery process. Likewise, how engaged a wife is in her relationship with her spouse, can play a significant part as well. This shows women in supporting roles are vital to influencing change.

As you can see, there are many roles played by women in a man's life. How you engage in a child or man's life has a positive or negative influence on him. Similarly, your relationship will have an impact on his pornography addiction and recovery.

1. A wife

2. A Mother

3. A Sister

4. A Friend

Sexual and pornography addictions can create trauma for all those involved. This hurt includes those who are the closest to the addict. Generally speaking, as part of the addiction, he will likely push you away. It is important to remember this isn't about you.

ELEMENT #3: PULLING AWAY

For some individuals, interacting with others can create social anxiety. As a result, a lack of physical interaction could drive a person to pornography as a way to avoid feeling lonely. The immense feeling of being alone is one of the main reasons why adults view pornography. Likewise, both situations can make an individual feel nervous or inadequate. Pornography brings a false sense of relief. Pornography can create a phony escape from the stress of wanting a connection. This seems to be especially true for individuals who feel hopeless about finding a relationship.

The need and desire to isolate is one of the ugliest and hardest parts of addiction. As a woman, your influence can help him change his feelings of hopelessness, anger, and anxiety. Additionally, your goal should be to help him stay connected with others close to him. Your role can help encourage and strengthen him to build his self-efficacy. As a result, he will gain the confidence to sort through his feelings of loneliness and fear. This will be a commanding victory and step forward in his recovery process.

ELEMENT #4: MODEL OF UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Every child and adult needs an example of a healthy relationship in their life. If not, it can be hard for individuals to form healthy relationships of their own. This process is especially true for those who become addicted to pornography.

As explained before, pornography provides its viewers with a false sense of reality. Pornography does not offer a positive example of how to treat a woman. It perverts and forms an unrealistic reality for the addicted person producing an unhealthy state of mind. A mind begins to be controlled by the emotional, physical, and intellectual bias of pornography noot by what is real or healthy.

An overly sexualized home exposes children to sexual behaviors they do not comprehend. Likewise, it can provide similar negative allusions for men. As a mother or wife, you have the power to take control of your home. Your goal should be to have a safe, welcoming home environment.

ELEMENT # 5: NEGATIVE SOCIAL SYSTEM

Sex is everywhere in our society today. It has become our responsibility to regulate the media's influence in our homes. As a result of the constant inundation, it seems to have become a mother and wife's full-time job to keep their families safe.

Sexual expression has become the center of today's advertisements. Many advertisements are targeting teenagers and even younger demographics. Sex sells in our society, and with the generated amount of money each year from ads, there are no signs of it stopping.

For example, television continues to increase sexual content year after year. While society ignored the problem, it seems to have perpetuated it. As a result, pornography and sex addiction rates continue to reach new heights each year. Cultural norms teach society what behaviors are appropriate, regardless of the consequences. Right now, pornography is eroding our society. Starting in your home, you can take a drastic stand against it.

ELEMENT #6: EARLY SEXUAL OR PORNOGRAPHY EXPERIENCE

How does an addicted person respond to his accountability for bad behavior? They minimize it. Most individuals with an addiction to pornography deceive themselves. They talk themselves into thinking the problem is not bad. Or worse, they trick those around them into thinking everything is okay.

The effects of early sexual experiences and exposure to pornography are staggering. In recent studies, evidence has shown it can alter a child's genes. Looking at pornography provides instant gratification, yet it doesn't meet their sexual desires. Long-term results show pornography causes addicts to begin to exhibit more radical behaviors over time. All of this, after what might have started simply because of curiosity or an unfulfilled need.

As a woman, adjusting your focus to helping your loved one recognize his radical thoughts or behaviors is essential. Addo Recovery encourages you to help him decide to get help through a recovery program. Recovery starts with honesty. When he can evaluate and understand his actions, it can provide him with the courage to begin a path to healing. Your role as a woman in the recovery process is an integral part of his success.

Pornography is only one symptom of much deeper rooted sexual issues for men and women. It is natural for him to minimize his addiction or the recovery process. Addressing the root of the problem leads to a successful recovery. A licensed therapist can help him work through issues that he may not realize exist.

Regardless of your role as a wife, mom, sister or friend, the resounding message we have for you is you are important. You do not have to fight this battle alone. There is hope. There is support available to you through the process of healing and recovery. We are here to help you. You have a place to turn to. We are eager to hear from you. AddoRecovery.com

Why does betrayal trauma stemming from infidelity or sexual addiction cause anxiety?

Fri, 20 Jul 2018 16:40:05 GMT

When someone discovers their partner’s infidelity or involvement in pornography and/or other sexual addictions it is very common for them to experience betrayal trauma.

Betrayal Trauma: "a deeply distressing or disturbing experience" caused by infidelity, affairs or betrayal

When someone discovers their partner’s involvement in pornography or other sexual addictions it is very common for them to experience betrayal trauma. By definition trauma is, “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.” When this trauma is triggered by the infidelity of a person we love, it creates a significant amount of stress. However, unlike other stressors like paying our monthly bills, when we are in a committed relationship we can’t just get away or escape from the relationship.

The consequence of not being able to run is that you have to figure out how to deal with this betrayal trauma because it won’t just go away. We are forced to deal with it head on. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers because pornography and sexual misbehaviors bring up so many questions, fears, worries, and concerns. Is he safe? Will she do this again? If he is doing this what else is he doing? When these questions run through your mind over and over again the result is anxiety. One example of this is in my study with over 1,000 women dealing with their partners sexual misbehaviors more than 65% indicate that experience indescribable fear at least half the time.

Read about: What is pornography addiction? >>

Anxiety is what happens to us when our minds do not feel safe. As a result, our brain is constantly working trying to makes sense of what is going on around us. It wants to find a place of safety. However, as with all addictions, they don’t make sense. Think about that for a second. We roll up leaves and smoke them. We let barley ferment to the point it stinks and we drink it. We view pornographic images and hope to feel less lonely.

When our mind does not know how to make sense of a problem it continues searching or it shuts down. When the mind searches and searches for answers and they don’t come, eventually the elevated stress triggers physical and emotional health problems. This leads to less energy to deal with the general problems life presents.

Fortunately, there are solutions. Learning to slow down the mind through effective meditations, deep breathing, finding a support group, and learning how to respond betrayal trauma can be reduced. Instead of getting lost in trauma and the chaos of addiction, it is possible to reclaim your identity. If you suffer from anxiety related to betrayal trauma in your relationship, please know that help is available. I invite you to get started by reaching out for help.

Finally, one simple step you can take right now, is to stop and just focus on your breathing. Try to pay attention to your breathing. If possible, breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Observe the air coming into your body as you inhale and feel your body relax as you exhale. This simple deep breathing exercise is designed to slow down your mind. I recommend doing this exercise three times a day for three to five minutes. Those who implement this strategy increase their awareness into their mind and body. Don’t be surprised when this simple strategy calms your anxious mind, even if it is for just a few minutes.

Dr. Skinner answers the question: What is betrayal trauma and what are the symptoms?

How Vulnerability Can Help Us Connect to Loved Ones

Fri, 20 Jul 2018 16:15:42 GMT

How does being vulnerable fit with sexual addiction recovery? The answer that is that individuals struggling with sexual addiction have the most to gain when they learn to be vulnerable in their relationships.

If you like to listen to Ted Talks, you've most likely heard of Brene Brown. She is a researcher who is changing how we see shame, vulnerability, and acceptance. In her findings, she has found that there is tremendous power in learning be vulnerable with others by opening up and sharing deeper more personal thoughts and emotions with people close to us.

The question I have been asking myself is how being vulnerable fits with sexual addiction recovery. The answer that I have come to is that individuals struggling with sexual addiction have the most to gain when they learn to be vulnerable in their relationships.

Most specialists who treat sexual addictions believe that addiction is an intimacy disorder. Meaning, that most individuals who struggle with a sexual addiction have a difficult time with emotional intimacy. This doesn’t mean that they are incapable. It means that while “in” the sexual addiction, intimacy can’t occur. Furthermore, overtime the sexual addiction takes over how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. Eventually, the person suffering with sexual addiction feels so overwhelmed by their own out of control behaviors that meaningful relationships are relegated to the back burner.

View Video: What are the signs of addiction?

The solution then is learning to develop and create intimacy with others. This is why 12-Step groups, a sponsor, and meaningful friendships where you become open and vulnerable matter so much.

When individuals learn to take risks and share with others, they can see that in many instances their internal fears of being rejected are often unfounded. In more cases than not, opening up to others helps individuals struggling with sexual addiction realize that others still care about them and help is available.

The only way we really connect is by learning who is safe and who is not. When we are vulnerable with others, we begin to identify the people with whom we are safe to share personal issues and challenges. This can be a difficult learning process because some people simply aren’t safe. However, when we have refined the process and know that someone has our back in difficult moments, a major obstacle has been resolved. We can continue to open up and develop a strong relationship.

Emptiness and relapse seem to always be related to isolation. For example, have you ever tried getting close to someone without them knowing anything about you? It doesn’t work. Human intimacy requires mutual understanding. If we are suffering and no one knows, that can’t be intimacy. Learning to be open, sharing heartfelt pain and joy is how we can achieve deeper levels of human intimacy.

Through my experience as a therapist, I've found that learning to be vulnerable is one of the key elements to healing and recovery from addiction.

View Presentation: The Opposite of Addiction is Connection

Licensed and Certified Sexual Addiction and Betrayal Trauma Therapist Amy Andrus on Vulnerability (Quoting Brene Brown)

Want to meet with Amy? Learn more about her HERE .

Self-Care is Actually Self-Less

Fri, 20 Jul 2018 16:01:14 GMT

Does the term self-care feel synonymous with selfish to you? Do you equate time spent on yourself as time taken away from your loved ones? In other words, does time spent doing what you enjoy mean you have lost time to do what others want? Does energy put toward your own goals mean energy is taken away from what matters to others? If you answer yes to any of those questions, you are not alone. Most people -- especially women -- feel tension between being everything to everyone and practicing self-care. Most don’t know how to balance giving and serving with taking and saying no. In fact, some people express feeling like self-care has become another burden, another item on their to-do list, and is accompanied by the thought, “Taking care of myself has become another thing to do and to do well. More pressure.”

The fault in this thought process lies in the meaning of true self-care. Briana Wiest of thoughtcatalog.com describes self-care not as “ salt baths and chocolate cake ,” but as “making the decision to build a life you do not need to regularly escape from.” If your life is built on perfection-seeking and is dictated by the perceptions of others, self-care will always feel like an item on your to-do list and another opportunity to fail. True self-care isn’t a task or an achievement, it is a process. True self-care is regularly taking the time to reassess your values, re-examine your life circumstances and make choices that support the alignment of your values with your life. Lots is out of your control; lots is not. Doing what you can about what is in your control is a way to practice self-care. Reading this article (and this one and maybe this one) is another act of self-care. Giving yourself permission to take dedicated time for value assessment and life examination is a way to care for yourself.

And here’s the kicker: the more you care for yourself, the more you can care for others. For all of you who have built lives based on service:

Dear mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, sisters, brothers, Big Sisters and Big Brothers, bosses, philanthropists, leaders, clergy members, volunteers, aunts, uncles, healthcare workers, crossing guards, teachers, coaches, social service workers, nonprofit founders, food line preppers, tutors, mentors, quilters, bakers, gardeners, growers, supporters, grandparents, great-grandparents, babysitters, special needs specialists, nurses, personal trainers, protest marchers, activists, law enforcers, law defenders, sponsors, and to all the people who have helped all these people… you cannot give what you do not have. You cannot give time if you don’t take some for yourself. You cannot give money if you haven’t gathered some yourself. You cannot give your energy toward others or a cause without getting enough sleep. You cannot give love without soaking up some for yourself. You cannot offer compassion or empathy without first finding and accepting compassion and empathy for yourself.

Self-care is not a nice idea, and it’s not an item to check off your to-do list. Self-care is the only way to take care of others. True self-care is the first step toward true giving. The next time you think about self-care, think about all of the energy, time, money, love, compassion and empathy you’d have. Think about what self-care can give you and therefore what you can offer others. Self-care, it turns out, is the most selfless act of service we can offer.

Dr. Skinner offers suggestions on self-care while in betrayal trauma

How to Thrive through the Holidays while in Betrayal Trauma

Fri, 20 Jul 2018 15:41:54 GMT

“Your dad might leave me. There’s a nurse.”

I don’t know what I expected my mom to say on the phone a few weeks before Christmas 2008, but I know for certain there was no part of me that expected those eight words.

My husband and I were newlywed and living several states away from our families. We drove the twenty hours to our hometown a few days before Christmas and acted like everything was normal. I knew about my dad’s affair, my husband knew, my mom knew, my dad knew we all knew… and we all just pretended. We went through the motions of traditions, and I went through the motions of interacting with my dad. I felt rage, hurt, confusion, betrayal, devastation. What I showed was a dutiful daughter with a forced smile. The night before my husband and I were going to road trip back home, my dad asked to talk to me. He sat me down on the couch in the basement and stumbled through a pseudo explanatory apology, and he ended by saying, “I’m not leaving.”

“Do you promise?” I asked him.

“Yeah, honey, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Andrew and I left the next morning around ten, and at about three that afternoon I got a call from my brother: “Dad left.” He’d packed up and gone to stay with his girlfriend.

I’m willing to bet you have your own difficult story about the holidays. Maybe a form of betrayal, like what I describe above. Perhaps the loss of a loved one, financial ruin, or extreme emotional problems. I want you to know that you are not alone with your hard holiday memories. Whether it’s a tough relationship issue or a death or traumatic event or shameful experience, you’re not alone. Read my story again if you need proof. And even though I have a master’s degree and a job as a therapist, the most valuable thing I can offer you is my personal experience. It’s my belief that the last thing you all need is an “expert” telling you what to do. Here are the top five practices that have helped me during the at-times difficult holiday season:

Yoga and walking: Movement matters for emotional well-being. We process our emotions in our brains and our brains are literally connected to our bodies; if one is well, the other is much more likely to be well. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good sweaty workout (I go to one or two spin classes a week) but my priority when it comes to exercise has shifted from calorie-burning and weight loss to sanity seeking. I move to feel good. Yoga and walking are the most effective physical tools to use. Your duty is to discover what works for you in terms of physical movement.
Journaling: My favorite journaling exercise is to list out my values. It sounds simple and it is -- it is also so powerful. I identify my values and check in with myself and with God to make sure my life and my behaviors are lining up with those values. It helps validate what is going well and redirect what isn’t.
Active Gratitude: I regularly list out what I’m thankful for, almost every day, either in writing or in prayer. I also vocalize what I’m grateful for through my family’s dinnertime tradition of what we call “highs and lows.” We go around the table and everyone says one high from the day, one low from the day, and one thing we’re grateful for.
Uplifting Input: There are some versions of taking information in that really help me. I love listening to podcasts (favorites are On Being, The Longest Shortest Time, and This American Life), reading books (Brene Brown’s Braving the Wilderness and Gabriel Tallent’s My Absolute Darling lately), and enjoying music (practicing the piano lately has really helped me feel grounded). I also love television (Parks and Rec for a good laugh) and movies (honestly, mostly kid movies). I have to be careful with input in terms of both quality and quantity, but when I pay attention to how I feel after consuming entertainment, I can use it as an uplifting, positive coping tool.
Boundaries: Boundaries - both internal and external - are absolutely ESSENTIAL for healthy living. We have to communicate clearly what is okay with us and what is not okay with us. Especially when it comes to the demands of the holiday season. Examples of boundaries around the holidays range from how much you’re willing to spend on a gift exchange to who’s invited to Thanksgiving dinner to where you stay when you visit family for New Year’s to what type of talk or behavior is acceptable in your own home. Boundaries are so important and very hard to implement if you’re not used to them. It does get easier, but starting that process can feel really tricky.
This article is a great place to start. I also highly recommend the various works by Brene Brown, who says “the most compassionate people are also the most boundaried.”

I don’t know your unique story, but I do know that because addiction, death, and depression strike during all seasons, they strike during the holidays. We all need help getting through these difficult situations. I hope these practices prove as helpful for you as they have for me.

MEET SARIAH! SHE'S AT OUR CLINIC AND YOU CAN FIND HER ONLINE COURSES ON BLOOM . (2:53)

The Difference Between Self-Blame and Ownership

Fri, 20 Jul 2018 15:28:24 GMT

We’ve all been there: the “never again” moment. I’ll make sure ______ never happens to me again. It’s a natural response when we go through something that feels out of our control; we try to reassert some influence over our own lives. Because so much of trauma response is automatic and out of our control, it makes sense that we grasp for any sense control wherever we can find it.

Consider the physical symptoms of trauma: increased or decreased sleep, increased or decreased appetite, heart palpitations, body shakes, panic attacks and tension headaches, plus exacerbation of pre-existing systemic conditions due to increased cortisol, or stress hormone, levels. The physical symptoms of trauma alone are overwhelming. Now consider all the trauma symptoms -- the emotional, mental, relational, and physical -- and so much feels out of control. So much actually is out of our control when we experience trauma.

It’s no wonder we grasp for any semblance of control after we experience trauma. The need for control is normal and valid. It’s an instinct that helps us feel safe in the aftermath of a traumatic experience. How we reassert control in our lives can make the difference between healing and further suffering. Some people turn to blame as a way to feel safe; some blame others while others blame themselves for what has happened. Blame looks like a pointing finger and sounds like vitriol. Blame depends on black and white thinking and leaves no room for compassion or understanding, no space for gray. Blame underscores the oppositional roles of victim and persecutor, therefore contributing to unhealthy relational dynamics.

Blame is especially painful when it’s directed at the self. Self-blame happens when we play both the victim and persecutor ourselves, grappling with the reality that something traumatic has happened to us while at the same time pointing the finger at ourselves. This cycle of feeling victimized and persecuting ourselves repeats over and over again, increasing in intensity and creating a loop that is difficult to escape. And yet this loop can serve a purpose initially; by blaming ourselves, we can create a sense of control. It’s a false sense of control, but even a perception of control feels better than the total loss of control. Self-blame often sounds like the following:

“I should have been a better person. I shouldn’t have been so mean or demanding. Then this never would have happened.”

“I could have stopped it.”

“I should have known what was happening. I should have seen it coming.”

“I knew things were too good to be true, that I didn’t deserve what I thought I had. This just confirms what I already knew, so I really shouldn’t be surprised.”

“If I don’t blame myself, I’ll blame him. And then I’ll have to leave. It’s easier to blame myself and stay.”

The momentary relief of feeling a bit more in control comes at a high cost when we rely on self-blame to reassert influence over our own life. These statements reveal perceived control -- actual control is missing. If we can prevent something bad from happening, of course we will stop it. The fact that it happened is proof in and of itself that we couldn’t prevent it, or else it never would have occurred. Looking back at trauma and using “should” allows us to buy into the perception of control of the past and therefore believe we can control the future. Yet this is a fallacy, a false belief about our influence in the world. And the more we buy into this false sense of control, the more we suffer unnecessarily.

Because most of what we experience in our lives is out of our control, we are bound to suffer. There is an important difference between unavoidable suffering and unnecessary suffering. Unavoidable suffering is just that -- suffering we cannot avoid no matter how good or smart or righteous we are. Unavoidable suffering is out of our control and occurs either because of someone else’s choices (choices we did not make) or simply out of bad luck. Unnecessary suffering is avoidable and within our control. This type of suffering comes out of our own response to that first type, the unavoidable suffering. When something painful happens to us (due to an outside source) and we respond with self-blame (we hold ourselves accountable for the trauma we could neither predict nor control), we suffer unnecessarily. There is enough suffering inherent to trauma; avoiding unnecessary suffering is essential to healing.

The antidote to self-blame is ownership. Ownership begins by objectively assessing what has happened and reality checking any instincts to blame. In that moment of “never again, I’ll never let ____ happen again,” what really matters is that blank. Ask yourself two questions about the trauma: Can it truly be prevented? And it is mine to prevent? Ownership is a two-way street: both accepting what falls under our umbrella of responsibility and letting go of what doesn’t.

If your answer to both the questions above are yes, take ownership. This is on your shoulders; you need to take accountability for what happened and make sure it never happens again. Hold yourself responsible to that blank.

If you’re not sure, or you answered no to one or both of those questions, release ownership. This is not on your shoulders and you do not need to take accountability for what happened. You cannot make sure it never happens again and you have no responsibility for it. What will happen as you consider releasing control of this trauma is likely extreme fear. Fear that letting it go will mean condoning it or somehow welcoming it to happen again. Fear that releasing the death-grip you’ve had on it will mean it’ll be your fault if it happens again. As you work through the fear and toward letting go, you will be amazed at how much energy is freed up. You will be able to think and feel in ways you haven’t been as you’ve been focused on the initial instinct to control and prevent after a traumatic experience. This extra emotional and mental energy that will become available to you can be channeled into the work of healing: taking time for true self-care, cultivating compassion for self and others, releasing yourself of blame and practicing ownership.

Building these internal resources will not lead to control over every area of your life, but it will allow you to influence what can be influenced: your behaviors, feelings, and thoughts. As you further master yourself, you will become well-equipped to manage whatever trauma may come your way. In this sense, you are guaranteeing that what happened before really does never happen again, because even if there is another _____, you will not be the same. Your ability to move through trauma will be different than it was the first time _____ happened, due to your recognition of self-blame and transition into honest ownership.

EMPATHY RESEARCHER PAUL PARKIN TEACHES TOOLS AND EXERCISES FOR SELF-COMPASSION . FIND HIS FULL COURSE ON BLOOM . (18:41)

Five Signs You Are Disconnected in Your Partner Relationship with Three Steps to Reconnect

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 22:31:21 GMT

THE FIVE SIGNS YOU ARE DISCONNECTED

We are hardwired for connection. The default position of the brain is to assume that there will be a loving, validating, attuned other with us. We can clearly see the positive results when a mother soothes her crying baby or when a father giggles and plays with his toddler. The child responds to the loving and present parent, and that connection fosters safety and security. We never outgrow the need to connect with others. After we mature and develop romantic relationships, our partner usually becomes the main source of connection and attachment. Therefore, if a woman’s trauma gets triggered or a man’s insecurities and fears are sparked and their partner is unavailable or dismissive, it is emotionally painful and often intensifies the pain.

The goal of a healthy relationship isn’t to never have problems. That is impossible. A more realistic goal is to notice when things feel off, reconnect, and repair the damage that is done to the bond between partners. The sooner you realize a rift has occurred, the easier it is to come back to an attuned and emotionally engaged state. This connection is what all humans thrive on. This is also a part of what heals past wounds that you may have experienced in your relationship.

Here are five indicators that you are disconnected in your relationship and rebuilding connection may be needed:

1: Blaming

When we don’t take responsibility for our actions, we blame someone else. A husband might say, “If you weren’t so angry all the time, I’d want to spend time with you instead of being in my room or staying at work.” Blame is the discharge of guilt and discomfort. Because it’s uncomfortable when we feel like we have done something wrong or hurt our partner, it’s easy to place blame so we don’t feel responsible for the problem.

Blame is often the response to our own fears and insecurities. For some, the fear is that if they did something wrong and caused pain to their partner, it confirms that they are bad, wrong, or unworthy to some degree. For others, it’s a fear of losing the relationship, even if the emotional distance is temporary until a repair is made. Those fears are so heavy to hold, we consequently shift the responsibility away from ourselves and push it onto our partner in order to avoid confirming our fears.

2. Always or Never Statements

Statements like, “You never want to have sex,” or, “Why do you always shut down when we try to have a conversation?” are usually exaggerations and not totally accurate. These types of statements don’t effectively address the situation, but it’s helpful to know why we are prone to use them. The most important function of our brain is to keep us alive, and one way it does this is to quickly narrow our focus on a potential threat and devote resources (adrenaline, increased heart rate, heightened awareness) to prepare us to fight, flee, or freeze.

Disconnection in our relationships is perceived as a danger cue to our brains. When this happens, it’s easy to then take an always/never, black/white, all/nothing stance, because our vision narrows on the threatening cue. This is actually an important function, as the brain needs to see things in a black-and-white, clear way when we are under threat or else we’d have a hard time deciphering danger and staying out of harm’s way. As this happens in our relationships, the always-or-never response shows us we are disconnected. When we catch ourselves using all or nothing language, we can take the time to slow down to get to what the root of the issue is.

3. Turning the Tables

This is another common response to fear and threat. A wife might say, “I’m worried when you don’t answer your phone when I call. I start to wonder if you’re out doing something that you shouldn’t be.” He might respond with, “Well, you need to focus on yourself and stop checking up on me all the time. If you weren’t so high strung, things wouldn’t be as bad as they are between us!”

If we explored deeper into his experience, her comment might have inadvertently triggered his shame, the fear of letting her down, or the reminder that he has hurt her. All of those things are painful, and without the proper mindset, they lead to disconnection. It is easier for him to avoid confronting those emotions and deflect the issue and focus on the wife’s “problem” instead of taking accountability for his actions.

4. Withdrawing

During conflict, a common response for people is to say something like, “I can’t handle this anymore, I’m done talking about it,” or they might just get quiet, ignore, or physically leave the room. If you or your partner don’t have the tools or capacity at a given point to hold and process through the discomfort of shame, sadness, or fear, it’s easy to emotionally distance.

If someone doesn’t have the right tools, they might distance themselves in order to preserve the relationship as is and avoid making things worse. However, it is hard for the other person to see that in the moment. What they see is that their partner is now even more inaccessible, which leaves them more alone and upset.

5. Anxious Clinging or Protesting

This can take on many forms. If during an argument one partner tries to leave, the other might follow closely behind and continue to drive their points harder and harder; a wife might be driven by anxiety to frequently check her husband’s phone records; or a husband might adamantly defend his point with anger and yelling in order to convince his wife he is telling the truth.

Fear is at the root of these behaviors. Again, our brains interpret disconnection as a danger cue and we find ourselves unproductively using these strategies to cling to our partner for reassurance or to protest the disconnection.

THREE STEPS YOU CAN TAKE TO RECONNECT WITH YOUR PARTNER

DR. KEVIN SKINNER DISCUSSES REDEFINING INTIMACY . FIND HIS FULL CLASS ON BLOOM . (10:18)

1. Self- Awareness

In the beginning, if we are out of touch with the deeper emotions we are experiencing, and all we can recognize are these destructive, surface behaviors, that is the place to start. Use the five responses listed above as indicators of disconnection and pause to take an emotional inventory to discover what is going on for you under the surface. For example, as you see yourself withdrawing or becoming anxious and wanting to check computer history, take a moment to identify the deeper need you’re trying to meet with these behaviors. The more practice we have with this, the better we get at organizing and being able to put language to our experiences. Mindfulness meditation, journaling, and/or individual therapy can all help with identifying those deeper emotions.

2. Sharing the Deeper and Softer Emotions

After we know what fears, pain, sadness, or insecurities are triggered, we must then share them in an open and clear way. This might look something like, “When I can’t reach you emotionally and feel shut out, it is painful because you matter to me.” Or, “When I see you close the laptop when I enter the room, I get scared that you are slipping back into old patterns. That is hard for me because I want to feel like I’m the most important thing to you, not the addiction.” Sharing these deep emotions takes a lot of courage and vulnerability; sometimes these conversations need to happen with a trusted counselor.

3. Accept and Take In Your Partner’s Expression of Emotion

As our partner comes to us in a softer way, we can respond by acknowledging and validating why they are feeling that way and offer reassurance or understanding. “I understand why you feel afraid when I’m quick to close the laptop when you come in. I actually get afraid myself that if you see me on the computer at all that it’ll trigger you, so I shut it down as fast as I can. I don’t want you to have to keep experiencing the trauma and pain you’ve been through.” Vulnerability is much easier for our partners to hear, which facilitates a different response from them: they naturally want to come closer. This is when we are able to repair and reconnect, which takes our brains out of the primal panic it experiences when we see our relationships unravel. As we do this, we are able to regain our emotional balance and feel like we have a safe haven again, a place we can turn to during times of distress.

How Successful Couples View Intimacy

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 22:24:25 GMT

As human beings we long for human connection. We want someone to know us. We want to be seen and acknowledged by others. And yet far too often we find that in our most important relationships, we are left feeling like something is missing. Clearly, achieving human intimacy is not easy.

Our relationships are complex.

On one hand, we long for closeness from our spouse. Yet this same person with whom we want to be close to can hurt us deeply. One moment we can be making love and the next fighting. Intimacy is not a fixed entity or stable condition for any relationship. Indeed, intimacy is something that has to be nurtured and developed.

Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me say that when I talk about intimacy I am not talking about “sex” only. Sure that is a part of true intimacy, but it is only one element of it. Intimacy is a process by which two human beings grow and develop. They begin to see each other without pretense, lies, or deception. Intimacy requires us to see others as they really are and to allow others to see us. Intimacy (in-to-me-see) is the process where we become open and vulnerable with others.

In order to be truly intimate with another person, we have to take risks, genuinely see others, and make it easy to love us. I will explain these three characteristics below, because they are the things that successful couples do to create intimacy in their relationship.

Intimacy, Risk, and Safety

Think about the risks you take daily in your relationships. You tell you spouse that you are tired and worn out. If your relationship is healthy, your spouse might say, “I am sorry, thanks for working so hard for our family.” In an unhealthy relationship you might get, “All you do is complain.” Healthy couples make it safe for each other and respond to each others thoughts and emotional expressions with kindness and compassion. Without these elements, without risk, intimacy is not possible. Every day we take risks with each other. Successful couples create a safe environment, so that the risks they take with each other don’t seem like risks at all.

Human intimacy requires courage and always includes some risk.

Intimacy and Seeing Others

When I work with couples who are fighting or are disconnected, it becomes clear that they can’t “see” each other. They hear the words of their arguments and fights, but they do not stop to really listen and “It’s emotionally draining and flat out hard to be in a relationship that’s not truly intimate. If we are going to reach the deepest desires of our inner hearts - to be connected and intimate, then we have to learn how to create a safe environment so we can take risks, truly see each other, and become easy to love. If we do these three things, our relationships will flourish and we will be successful.”

feel each other. As a result, they focus on the words of their arguments and miss the deeper suffering, loneliness, sadness, or hurt expressed. The result is continued fighting and arguing or hiding and disconnection from each other.

Conversely, when you watch successful couples they truly see each other. Over the years, I have witnessed couples who have been angry and upset overcome their challenges and develop a rich and meaningful relationship by learning to truly see each other. In every successful case, they learn to look and see their spouse for who they really are. This is a process and takes time, but is especially rewarding when couples who can’t see each other change their perspective. They stop seeing “the nag” or “the jerk” and instead see the suffering and loneliness. When you see an addict truly understand trauma or when you see a traumatized spouse see the suffering of an addict, it is rewarding.

Intimacy and Being Lovable

Not long ago, I listened to an audio meditation on compassion by Tara Brach. She asked her audience to think of someone who is easy to love. Next she asked them to identify the traits and characteristics of that person and what if felt like being in that person’s presence. As she walked through this exercise, she naturally shifted into the idea of being that person who is lovable. I thought to myself, “Am I easy to love?” It was then that I realized that successful individuals and couples make it easy to love them.

I acknowledge that this is a difficult concept for all of us. We can all be a little prickly and hard to get close to when we are suffering. However, when couples overcome difficult issues like addiction and trauma, they make it easier to love them. Addicts stop living in denial and secrecy and instead become more patient and kind. They allow themselves to be “seen.” Individuals who have been in trauma find that they express less anger and show more warmth. When two people are working at being easy to love, their relationship challenges are significantly reduced.

It’s emotionally draining and flat out hard to be in a relationship that’s not truly intimate. If we are going to reach the deepest desires of our inner hearts - to be connected and intimate, then we have to learn how to create a safe environment so we can take risks, truly see each other, and become easy to love. If we do these three things, our relationships will flourish and we will be successful.

DR. LEAVITT: INCREASING INTIMACY

DR. CHELOM LEAVITT, SEXUAL HEALTH RESEARCHER, DISCUSSES INCREASING INTIMACY . FIND HER CLASS ON BLOOM . (6:21)

Beginning to Respond to Betrayal Trauma

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 22:13:26 GMT

INTRODUCTION

“Everything feels chaotic. I can't think. I can't focus. What he's been doing is constantly on my mind.”

“I have a hard time not imagining his behaviors.”

“I start thinking about my appearance and then my thoughts snowball until I feel so worthless I can't function. I just crawl in bed and live in a black abyss all day.”

These are the consuming thoughts experienced by so many women who have discovered their partner's sexual secrets. While feeling out of control is normal, learning steps to regulate overwhelming thoughts and emotions can relieve a lot of stress and pain. In this ebook you will find four steps that can help you start to work on your own healing process.

UNDERSTANDING THE CHAOS

ROB WEISS, CSAT-S TEACHES "SEX ADDICTION ISN'T ABOUT SEX" . FIND HIS SEX ADDICTION 101 COURSE ON BLOOM . (2:30)

The first step to responding to the chaos that has consumed your life is to understand the nature of addiction. Dealing with a partner's sexual addiction can feel different than other addictions. It can feel like all the winds and storms are coming directly at you; it feels like it is a personal attack.

However, it is helpful to group pornography/sex addiction with other familiar addictions because pornography/sex addiction creates some of the same problems and difficulties as caused by other addictions. For example, individuals struggling with any form of addiction often have difficulty in the following areas:

Staying focused
Being in control of their lives
Looking beyond themselves (e.g. reaching out to others, connecting with others, having empathy)
Avoiding compulsive behaviors
Establishing stability in their lives
Being honest
Planning for the future

Many people who know others with addictions will often ask, “Why don't they just quit?” “What are they thinking!?” “Why would they hurt me like this?”

The answer to these questions comes from understanding the severe power of addiction. Stopping an addictive behavior is extremely difficult. In fact, overcoming an addiction will likely be the most grueling and arduous challenge a person will ever accomplish in their lifetime.

A few years ago, I sat in a meeting where the speaker taught me a valuable lesson about addictive habits. He said, “Have you ever wondered why we roll up weeds and smoke them? Or why we drink stinky fermented barley?” He continued by saying, “Most addictive behaviors don’t make sense to the addict or their loved ones.” In essence, he was saying that people caught up in addictions do things that don’t make sense; ultimately, they have lost control of themselves and have become servants to the powerful tyranny of addiction.

It's important to remember that addictive habits and behaviors rarely make sense because the brain has literally become changed, damaged and altered. Our brains are not built to safely see or experience the intensity and diversity of things that viewing pornography and other betraying sexual behaviors offer.

Over time, the brain becomes not only wired to these actions (through intense hormonal and electrical change in the brain), but dependent on them. In other words, addiction

damages the brain and thus makes no logical sense to those of us with healthy functioning brains.

When your partner acts out sexually, it feels like a personal attack. Many women think to themselves, “If only I were better, prettier, weighed less, (or a hundred other things) he wouldn't have this problem.” These types of thoughts turn your partner's addiction into your problem rather than recognizing the truth about addiction: it is the addict's problem. Addiction is addiction. You have not caused this to happen in any way. And no matter what you do, you cannot eliminate or control this problem. Your partner must proactively make the changes necessary to rewire their own brain.

It's also imperative that you learn to recognize your loved one's pornography viewing and other sexual behaviors as an addiction, not solely a desirable hobby of his. Recognizing it as an addiction will help you to release yourself from personal blame. It may be helpful to:

Study addiction—you will realize that addiction often has predictable outcomes
Learn more about your partner's addiction history and patterns
Pay attention to your own emotions
Learn how to slow your anxious mind

GET HELP IMMEDIATELY

DR. SKINNER TEACHES HOW TO RESPOND TO THE CHAOS . SEE THE FULL COURSE ON BLOOM . (18:56)

Do not try to deal with these issues alone.

Researchers have discovered that early intervention to trauma can help reduce the long- term consequences.

Here are a few valuable resources you can use to get appropriate help:

Journal
Talk with a trusted friend or loved one who will console rather than judge you and your spouse.
Attend a 12-step support group.
Find a professional counselor who specializes in treating sexual addiction and betrayal trauma.

UNDERSTAND HOW NEGATIVE SELF-TALK WILL INCREASE CHAOS

DR. SKINNER TEACHES SIX STEPS TO HEAL NEGATIVE SELF-TALK . FIND THE FULL COURSE ON BLOOM . (11:31)

As you go through the emotional discovery of your partner's behaviors, at some point, you have probably told yourself:

“I'm not good enough. My husband doesn't want me. If I were better he wouldn't have done this.”

“Why didn't I see what he was doing earlier? How did I miss the signs?” “What is wrong with me? Why can't I focus on anything else?”

We often think thoughts like these because we believe that somehow if it is about us, then we can fix it. Thoughts like these trick us into believing we have more control than we do over other people, and ultimately lead us to feel bad about ourselves.

In order to avoid self-harming thoughts, let's reconsider the three statements above and look at a healthier replacement alternative.

Alternative/Replaced Thought Pattern

“My husband's behavior is not a consequence of how good, or not good, I am. I am not lacking.”

“It's normal to feel upset and betrayed that my husband hid this behavior from me. It is not my fault he has fallen prey to this addictive behavior.”

“It may take time to overcome these painful thoughts, but I am strong and can do hard things.”

If you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself, it may help if you pay attention to the frequency of the negative thoughts, and how they are influencing your emotions. You will find that these negative thoughts arouse your sympathetic nervous system and may launch you into a cycle of feeling more agitated and upset. To combat this cycle, it helps to catch the negative thoughts immediately and replace them with alternative/replaced thoughts. We suggest frequently reviewing the list of healthy thoughts above if you are struggling with negative thought patterns.

Your healing progress will improve as you gain a better understanding of how good you are and discover the reality of your valuable self- worth; negative self-talk prevents that from happening and hinders your recovery. Shifting from debilitating thought patterns to healthy thought patterns is critical to your long-term healing.

IDENTIFYING THE GRIEVING AND LOSS PROCESS

The fourth step as you begin your path of healing from trauma is to allow yourself to grieve. It is therapeutic to allow yourself to grieve the loss of what you thought your marriage was, who you thought your spouse was, and the dream you had for your marriage. These are major disappointments for you and can merit just as much grief as the death of a loved one.

Many women report that one of the most painful things they experience is related to what has been lost. Initially, they imagined their marriage one way and it turned out to be completely different. This loss is not due to death, but instead, this loss is accredited to the secrets and hidden behaviors of your spouse. It is bereavement over the trust and connectedness expected between partners.It has been suggested that there are five aspects of the grieving process. While you may not feel all of these, at some point, you may experience many of these feelings.

Denial: feelings that this couldn't be happening; this can last for weeks, months, or in some cases even years
Anger: intense feelings and outbursts of anger
Depression: feeling down, blue, sad
Bargaining: desire do anything to make the pain go away
Acceptance: coming to terms with your experience

As you bounce between some of these steps, allow yourself to feel the full weight of them. If you are feeling one of these emotions try to recognize these feelings for what they are, stages of grief, and allow yourself to feel them without running from them or denying them.

When we fully move through each of the stages without rushing, shaming or blaming ourselves, we can move into a recovery place at a natural pace.

Gaslighting: How Trust Can be Misused

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 21:59:34 GMT

THE EXPERT DECEPTION

One of the most challenging aspects of betrayal trauma is the revelation that someone who was once trusted, perhaps more than anyone else, is actually untrustworthy. In most cases, this revelation has a deep impact and causes severe inner turmoil. Racing thoughts abound, such as “What else has this person lied about? Why did I ever trust them? How could I have been so naïve?” Emotions such as anger, resentment, self-doubt, sadness, and worry can overwhelm the system when betrayal is revealed. Confusion often leads the way. Betrayed individuals describe feeling hurt and confused nearly immediately and simultaneously after betrayal is discovered. This confusion stems from the oftentimes masterful and intricate portrayals of trustworthiness their partners have presented to them. For example, many women who discover sexual betrayal in their marriages report husbands who repeatedly, through verbal communication and direct eye contact, denied any such betrayal and comforted their wives with declarations of commitment and devotion. These women get the message from their husband that all is well in their marriage and do their best to convince themselves that there is nothing to worry about.

WHAT'S GASLIGHTING?

The secret-keeping required by lying is draining on the deceiver and distancing within the marriage. Gaslighting is worse; it is lying with the addition of crazy-making. First coined in the 1940’s after the thriller Gaslight was released, gaslighting refers to one person’s attempt to create self-doubt and insanity in another, usually a close family member or partner. One who engages in gaslighting goes beyond lying and turns the tables on the questioning party. The following dialogue, between a wife and her alcoholic husband, shows an example of gaslighting:

Lynette: How come you were late coming home from work last night? I waited up until after one o’clock.

Tom: I got caught up at the office and forgot to call. Sorry.

Lynette: I was worried. I didn’t know if you’d been in an accident or if you were maybe out with your friends. I worry when you’re with them; you drink too much when you’re out late.

Tom: Look, I got caught up at the office and just forgot to call to let you know. I wasn’t out with the guys or drinking.

Lynette: Your clothes from yesterday smell of alcohol, Tom.

Tom: Oh my gosh, you’re paranoid! What did you do – go to my hamper first thing this morning and sniff my dirty laundry? I’ve already told you twice that I was at work. I don’t know what else to say. I’m telling you the truth and you won’t believe it, so I’m afraid I can’t help you. Your problems are beyond my help. You’ve got to decide whether or not you trust me. I can’t make this work on my own and you’re obviously unwilling to believe a simple answer to your question: I was at work and I wasn’t drinking. My clothes do not smell like alcohol; it’s probably gas from the car or my cologne you’re smelling. I swear your nose makes things up.

Lynette: Okay, okay. Sorry I didn’t believe you. Maybe you’re right and I’m overreacting. I’ll work on that.

Lynette was right about Tom’s behavior the previous night; he had been drinking with his friends after work and lost control of himself as well as track of time. It’s one thing for Tom to lie to Lynette (“I got caught up at the office and forgot to call.”) but it’s quite another for him to accuse her of paranoia and making things up.

This is the essence of gaslighting: the deceiver turns the conversation on its head, causing the other person to walk away from the interaction wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so worried about this? Why does it bother me so much?” When the deceiver puts on a good enough show and turns the conversation convincingly around, the partner is forced to make sense of the gap between her gut instinct and his portrayal of reality: “If my gut says he’s hiding something from me, but he swears he’s telling me the truth, something must be off. My gut instincts must be wrong. I can’t trust myself. I must be crazy.”

WHY DO WE FEEL CRAZY?

DISCONNECTION AND RECONNECTION AS TAUGHT BE STACE CHRISTIANSON. SEE MORE ON BLOOM . (12:27)

Because we are attachment-based, we need connection to survive. Without connection, our limbic systems go into overdrive and we cannot regulate our emotions or apply logic to our lives; we simply go into survival mode. It is therefore less threatening to doubt ourselves than it is to doubt others; if we doubt others, we are naturally distanced from them and our connection is less secure. As our connections become less secure, we become insecurely attached and our minds and bodies are under constant stress. Our brains will do anything to save us from this experience, so in order to reconcile our gut instincts with the lies of another, we are more likely to accept the other’s reality than our own.

This is why you feel so crazy sometimes. This is why it’s become so hard to trust yourself. If you’ve experienced gaslighting in your relationship – where you’ve been deceived and blamed simultaneously – the natural survival response is to disengage with the self and ignore your own instincts. This is how we survive under the duress of betrayal trauma. Convincing yourself that you are paranoid, or you do ask too many questions, or you do have trust issues, etc. is a normal and appropriate response to an abnormal and inappropriate situation.

If your experiences sound anything like this, know you are not alone and it is very natural to feel confused, hurt, angry, sad, relieved, and vindicated. Most women report that the sexual betrayal itself is hurtful, but it is the lying and blaming – the gaslighting – that is more difficult to overcome.

WHAT TO DO NOW?

There is hope.

In order to securely re-attach to others, you must reconnect with yourself and rebuild self-trust. Connecting your mind to your body will help soothe anxiety, racing thoughts, and physical distress associated with betrayal trauma. Here are few tips:

Yoga and mindfulness practice are the best ways to reconnect your mind with your body. Even ten minutes a few times a week can make a difference.
Once your body is soothed, it is easier to practice self-care habits such as journaling, exercise, reading, healthy eating, and goal-setting.

The more you practice self-care, the easier it is to trust yourself, and once you rebuild self-trust, trusting others enough to build healthy attachments is possible.

How Betrayal Trauma Manifests Itself

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 21:50:32 GMT

INTRODUCTION

We expect relationships to be built on trust, love, and mutual respect. Which is why the shocking discovery of betrayal in a marriage causes feelings of chaos and confusion. Few experiences create more pain and hurt than sexual infidelity (whether virtual or physical). For the victimized spouse, sexual infidelity can create such intense emotions that the memories and trauma may remain for months or even years later. Our studies have shown that 43% of spouses continue to feel the side of effects of Betrayal Trauma for more than two years.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for healing Betrayal Trauma. However, healing is possible. We are honored that more than 800 women have shared their sacred personal stories with us. From these stories and many years of clinical work, we have learned the symptoms and characteristics of Betrayal Trauma and the best methods for healing.

As you take the courageous step to begin your recovery, we want you to understand Betrayal Trauma, how it's affecting you, and how you can respond. This beginning is crucial to set the framework for your healthy recovery.

HOW BETRAYAL TRAUMA MANIFESTS ITSELF

DR. SKINNER ON WHY BETRAYAL TRAUMA IS A NATURAL RESPONSE (3:50)

“I am more angry than I have ever been. In fact, I didn’t know I could feel so much anger all the time, why?”

Another woman put it this way, “After having found out about my husband, I can’t sleep and I’m always anxious. When I see my husband, I want to hurt him one moment and the next I want him to hold me. My emotions are all over the place. Is there something wrong with me?”

When faced with extreme, terrifying, or life threatening circumstances, we may suffer from trauma. Trauma is defined as “an emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person.” Without healing, trauma may continue at high levels possibly causing psychological, physical, social, and spiritual damage.

Trauma happens to people who go to war, who live in neighborhoods with gang violence, and, as we've found, people who are betrayed by a parent or spouse. Consider those connections for a few moments. It says something truly profound that your pains and fears are shared by people in extreme danger, and life-threatening situations. This is why you must not blame yourself for your feelings. Your story may feel quiet and small, but it is real.

When you are betrayed by the person who is supposed to love, respect and support you the most, your world shatters. It may feel as though the whole life of your relationship has been a lie. Many people naturally retrace their relationship's history adding in all the missing details of betrayal that they just learned. This process is jarring, especially when the details from the spouse come in pieces. It can make you feel as though the rug is constantly being pulled from under you.

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

DR. SKINNER ON ASSESSING TRAUMA LEVELS (6:32)

Emotional ups and downs are expected, and the paradoxical experience of anger coupled with a desire to connect is common. These feelings create confusion and pain, resulting in polarized emotions and possibly making you feel out of control at times.

Most women don't recognize that they are experiencing Betrayal Trauma. Many times the trauma and desire to fix their husband's problems can be so great that they overlook the feelings of chaos within themselves.

After listening to hundreds of women's stories, we have a greater understanding of the breadth of suffering that women like you experience. To create our healing model, we also needed to know each person's specific needs. By analyzing written assessments, we were able see if the individual experiencing betrayal was suffering from trauma, and if they were, which aspects of trauma were inflicting them most.

In 2005, I wrote an assessment. This was one of the first assessments, if not the very first, that looked at trauma that stemmed from a spouse's sexual behaviors. Since that time 10 years ago, thousands of people have completed our assessment.

The results have been stunning—and alarming. After poring through the data, it has become clear to me that thousands of women and men are suffering deeply due to their partner's sexual behaviors outside of their relationship. Here are some categories, questions and results from our research:

Fear and Questions of Safety

I feel violated due to my partner's sexual behaviors.

Never (2.87%)
Occasionally/rarely (9.86%)
About half the time (9.65%)
More often than not (25.05%)
Always (52.57%)

Relive the Event/Experience

When my partner tries to get close to me or we are sexually intimate, I cannot help but question whether my partner is thinking about me or things he/she has done.

Never (2.66%)
Occasionally/rarely (11.53%)
About half the time (15.96%)
More often than not (27.05%)
Always (42.79%)

Avoidance

I avoid sexual contact with my partner since discovering his/her behavior.

Never (11.66%)
Occasionally/rarely (24.89%)
About half the time (23.32%)
More often than not (23.77%)
Always (16.37%)

Negative Self Evaluation and Mood

I feel like my partner acts out because I am not good enough.

Never (9.89%)
Occasionally/rarely (21.61%)
About half the time (23.22%)
More often than not (23.22%)
Always (22.07%)

Emotional Arousal (e.g. Anger, Irritability)

After discovering my partner’s sexual behaviors, I find that I am increasingly angry in response to my partner.

Never (2.10%)
Occasionally/rarely (17.06%)
About half the time (23.13%)
More often than not (34.58%)
Always (23.13%)

Duration of the Disturbance

How long have you been experiencing the symptoms described in this assessment (e.g. recurrent thoughts, feeling anxious, being afraid)?

Less than one month (3.77%)
2-3 months (4.95%)
4-6 months (5.42%)
7-12 months (10.85%)
More than one year but less than two (16.51%)
More than two years but less than five (25.47%)
More than five years (33.02%)

Distress or Impairment in Social, Occupational, or Other Important Areas of Functioning)

It has become difficult for me to fulfill important roles (that of employee, parent, etc.) since discovering my partner's sexual behaviors.

Never (11.53%)
Occasionally/rarely (26.82%)
About half the time (30.35%)
More often than not (21.88%)
Always (9.41%)

In reviewing the data above with many other responses, it became clear to me that the PTSD criteria model was a legitimate way to look at responses to infidelity and other sexual behaviors outside the marital bond. Betrayal trauma due to a partner's sexual behaviors is common, and the symptoms are real. And, If left untreated, this condition can trigger additional mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.

SOLUTIONS FOR SEEKING HELP

LEARN ABOUT THE FOUNDATIONAL BLOOM COURSE HEALING FROM BETRAYAL TRAUMA (1:58)

Fortunately, we now see a growing number of people who specialize in understanding and treating trauma. Experts such as Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Levine and Pat Ogden are educating us on how to better understand and treat trauma. Their guidance provides a great model for treating betrayal trauma. For example, we now know that trauma is largely stored in the body and may best be resolved through using our senses (sensorimotor therapy). For this reason, yoga and meditation can be effective tools in healing from trauma.

If you feel you need help, we recommend that you consider the following:

Education
12-Step Groups
Professional Help
Reach Out to Others
Yoga

How Betrayal Trauma Alters the Mind and Body

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 21:35:48 GMT

INTRODUCTION

Our bodies aren't designed to handle long-term elevated anxiety and stress. This acute stress and anxiety will tax the entire body and wear it down.

Stress and anxiety are natural in everyone's life and in many cases they can even be beneficial. In moderation, stress can help us perform tasks more efficiently and improve memory. Similar to exercise, it can improve heart function and make the body resistant to infection. Good stress can even improve and empower one's abilities, enabling increased performance and heightened accomplishment.

Positive stress, for example, is short- lived and is experienced during college exams, championship basketball games, public speaking, performing medical surgeries or even dealing with toddler throwing a tantrum while trying to check out at the grocery store. However, ongoing traumatic stress, like the stress associated with the discovery of a spouse's pornography or sexual addiction, can have lasting effects.

We want to help you understand your stress response, how that stress might be affecting your body, signs of chronic anxiety and stress, and a few things you can do now to eliminate stress.

ARE YOU STRESSED OUT?

Elevated stress can be dangerous to your mind and body. It's not uncommon for someone to not even realize they are stressed, allowing the negative side effects to creep in. Many times, when asked about their own stress, people respond with "Not really, my life is just this way." In truth, their mind and body are feeling the effects of their stress, but they aren't aware of it.

So, are you stressed out?

In this short assignment, our goal is to help you better identify how stress manifests itself in your life. In order to do this, consider the following question:

In the past week, what issue from your life has been the most on your mind? Once you have identified the issue ask yourself this question, "Out of 100%, what percentage of my thoughts have been positive regarding this issue and what percent have been negative?"

Here's a short example of how this assignment might look: "This week, I spent most of my time thinking about what my husband was doing when he was away from me. I worried that he was lying to me about where he was. Out of 100% I would say that 95% of my thoughts regarding this issue were negative and 5% were positive. The only reason I said 5% was positive was because my husband remembered to stop by the store on his way home and pick up the items I asked him to.”

Now consider your own thoughts, what have you been thinking about the most this week? Record your thoughts in your journal.

To complete the assignment, please answer these three questions:

Would you agree or disagree that your most consistent thoughts have increased your heart rate and created a physiological response that others could recognize (e.g. anger, frustration, elevated voice)? Please explain your answer.
If you had the ability to reduce how much you think about this issue or avoid thoughts related to the issue all together would you? Please explain your answer.
Do you feel that the issue that you have been thinking about the most is out of your control or something that you cannot influence? Please explain your answer.

According to researchers who study stress, if all three of the items listed above are happening simultaneously, a person is stressed. While most stress is short lived, some stressors last for days, weeks, months, and even years. Under stress most of us want to escape or hide or get away from it. Have you considered how your stress is influencing you and your life? In other words, how are you responding to your stress? If you are like most people, you may turn to unhealthy habits (e.g. eating, spending, drinking alcohol, etc.) or you might internalize your stress. This generally leads to depression and elevated anxiety. Unfortunately, when we turn to unhealthy habits, they add to our problems rather than fix them.

We now invite you to assess your response to stress and identify potential ways that it may be harming you.

In your journal, please share how you typically deal with your stress. If you don't like the way that you are dealing with stress, please include three things that you could do to better deal with your stress (there isn't a right or wrong answer to this).

Did you answer yes to most of the questions in the assignment? If so, you are probably suffering from unhealthy chronic anxiety and stress, which is relatively normal considering your current life situation. It is important to recognize and acknowledge that this negative stress is typical for what you are experiencing.

HOW DOES STRESS AFFECT MY BODY?

CAN STRESS BE DANGEROUS? THE REST OF THE COURSE IS FOUND ON BLOOM . (6:25)

In a survey of 800 women with Betrayal Trauma, we have learned that:

75% Feel indescribable fear
85% Have feelings of being helpless
62% Relive the traumatic memory of what their partner has done

Is this true of you? Do you feel indescribable fear? Do you feel helpless and have powerful and recurring memories of what your partner has done? If you have these feelings, you are actually processing your trauma normally and are trying to make sense of the situation. However, if these all-consuming thought patterns are not reduced over time, your mind and body will become overwhelmed and eventually wear out. This could lead to long-term negative problems on physical, emotional and mental levels.

Suggestion: In the upcoming section, if you recognize specific symptoms you may want to write them down in your journal. If you find you have more than 50% of the symptoms, it may be beneficial for you to seek out professional therapy to aid in symptom reduction.

Warning Signs of Long-Term Anxiety and Stress

After most stressful situations, we quickly return to a normal state of mind. In the case of a public speaker, their speech is finished and stress is reduced to normal levels. Or, in the case of an athlete, the game ends. Our body is prepared to endure short-term anxiety and stress.

However, after you discovered your partner's sexual betrayal, your stress has probably not been short-lived. As mentioned earlier, this is problematic; your body's safety response system was designed to protect you from difficult situations for short durations of time, minutes and days, not weeks, months or even years. And yet, we've learned nearly 43% of women have reported having these negative feelings for over two years!

Do you find yourself feeling worn out and tired? In addition to feeling worn out and tired, are you experiencing any of the following symptoms?

Physiological

Headaches
Elevated blood pressure
Anxiety
Irritable bowel syndrome
Tired Emotional
Depression
Grief and loss
Loneliness
Muscle tension and tightness

Spiritual

Numbness to spiritual matters
Apathy
Lack of trust in God
Hurt and feelings of abandonment

WHAT CAN YOU DO NOW?

EXPERT COACH CAMILLE KENNARD TEACHES HOW WE CAN COPE WITH STRESS . MORE ON BLOOM . (2:58)

Our bodies aren't designed to handle long-term elevated anxiety and stress; this acute stress and anxiety will tax the entire body and wear it down. It’s important to learn a few good habits that will curb the intensity of that anxiety and stress.

We invite you to start implementing some basic steps to relax your mind and reduce the constant feelings of stress and trauma. To start with, we offer three seemingly simple yet enormously effective suggestions in reducing anxiety and stress. The key is to integrate them with a motivated diligence!

Find ways to relax. Make it a priority. This includes getting a good night's rest, spending time in nature and enjoying its pure beauty, breathing deep, going out with your trusted friends for a stress-free evening.
Make time for exercise. At minimum, try to walk for 30 minutes a day. Even better, yoga is especially beneficial in the healing process, as it can work wonders on trauma.
Add more nutrition into your life. Eat more vegetables. Eat smaller meals and more often in the day. Try to limit your sugar intake. Smart nutrient intake increases mental and emotional balance and decreases sudden spikes in negative stressors.

Listening to Your Inner Voice

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 21:22:28 GMT

INTRODUCTION

We all experience stress in life. However, how you respond to stress varies from day to day and even hour to hour. What's the difference? When your energy is high you are better prepared to deal with stress. When your energy is low you may struggle with effective stress responses. When your energy is low your mind has to work harder to perform routine tasks like dealing with a difficult child or a spouse with whom you have a conflict.

CREATE THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT

LISTEN TO THE SHORT AUDIO CLIP "CREATING A PROTECTIVE BARRIER IN DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS" .

A few years ago I was working with an individual struggling with sub- stance abuse. He described his work environment as a place of constant tension and conflict because he couldn’t ever please his boss. Then, when I asked him what his home life was like he said, “My wife and I are fighting all the time about the fact that I don’t earn enough money.” As I considered his life, I thought to myself, “Where does this man find peace?” I decided to ask him. He said, “I guess that's why I drink.”

The lesson I learned from this man that it's difficult to find internal peace of mind when your environment is constantly negative and hurtful. The end result for many in this situation is generally turning to an unhealthy behavior (e.g. anger, depression, addiction, anxiety, etc.).

So what kind of environment are you living in? Is it a place where you can find refuge and peace, or does it feel like you are constantly being bombarded with tension, conflict, and pain? If you find that your environment is negative and hurtful, it's a good idea to create a protective barrier between you and your environment, at least temporarily, while you find time to listen to your inner voice.

Along with mentally and emotionally putting a protective barrier around oneself, many people in bad environments have found it essential to create a “safe place” either in their home or outside of their home. This is a physical place where you can go to meditate, ponder and get centered when soothing through the senses or creating a protective barrier are not sufficient. If you do not have a place like this, make it an effort to find one or create one. This must be a place that you can and will access regularly. In this place, you should put into practice your other tools: calming mind chatter, recognizing negative self-talk, soothing with the senses, and planning boundaries for your own safety.

Here are a few examples of safe spaces:

The bathroom with the door locked
The bedroom
The front porch swing
The car parked in the driveway
Up the canyon/at the beach near your home
At a park near your home

RAISING YOUR ENERGY LEVELS

Are your day-to-day energy levels high or low? Do you sleep well? Do you have a good diet?

In the book Willpower, authors Roy Baumeister and John Tierney, found that individuals with low energy levels are more prone to turn to unhealthy habits (e.g. eating, spending, anger, fear, addiction). The implications of this are significant for all of us. In essence, they are telling us that low energy levels put each of us at greater risk for making deci- sions that we regret later.

We all experience stress in life. However, how you respond to stress varies from day to day and even hour to hour. What’s the difference? When your energy is high you are better prepared to deal with stress. When your energy is low you may struggle with effective stress responses. When your energy is low your mind has to work harder to perform routine tasks like dealing with a difficult child or a spouse with whom you have a conflict.

Consequently, when you have low energy you may feel, think and act in ways that you don’t want to, which may make you feel disappointed in yourself. This pattern makes it more difficult to trust and listen to your inner voice and further lowers your energy levels. This cycle, if not interrupted, can last for extended periods of time leaving you feeling like your life is out of control.

Along with the strategies for healthy living already addressed in the Addo Lessons (soothing with the senses, dealing with negative self- talk, eliminating mind chatter, setting boundaries, etc.) here are a few more.

The Zeigarnik Effect is the tendency to experience intrusive thoughts about a task that was once pursued and left incomplete. When a task is incomplete, your conscious mind is signaled, which may be focused on new goals, that a previous activity was left incomplete. It is human nature to want to finish what we start and, if a task is begun and not finished, we experience mental conflict. Once the task is completed and the goal reached, however, this stream of reminders comes to a stop. So, research has shown that when experiencing a decrease in energy it's helpful to slow down and write down the tasks that are on your mind. Then rank in order their importance. Once you have completed the task, your mind will move on to another task and energy levels will rise.

Along with slowing down and prioritizing tasks, we invite you to consider this energy booster: ask someone close to you for their help. Tell them that you are working on a project about yourself. Invite them to write a letter of recommendation for you. This recommendation is not some- thing that you will give to anyone—it's just for you. This is a letter you can review when your energy is low and you are feeling alone or empty.

If you want to enhance this experience, write a letter for them as well, and then get together with your friend and read your letter of recommendation to each other.

HOUR LONG CLASS ON LISTENING TO YOUR INNER VOICE

SKINNER TEACHES AN HOUR CLASS ON "LEARNING TO TRUST AND LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE" (1:01:46)

Starting Healing from Betrayal Trauma: Establishing Safety

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 20:51:54 GMT

INTRODUCTION

When people begin to work on developing safety in their relationship, the first question we hear is, “How will I know what kind of boundary to set?” The next is, “When are my boundaries reasonable and when are they too controlling?” The final question we hear is, “What if he lies about breaking the boundaries, what do I do?”

The answer to each of these questions is the same: listen to your inner voice. Before setting the boundary, and then while discussing the

boundary with your partner, and again when holding to the boundary, you must be able to listen to your inner voice and intuition.

This article will provide four key practices that will help you create successful boundaries:

Understanding Your Intuition
Establishing a personal “Bill of Rights”
Compiling a list of non-negotiables
Forming a plan of action

AN INTRODUCTION TO INTUITION

The Hijacked Brain

When we, as human beings, experience any kind of emotional crisis the brain becomes hijacked quickly. Trauma causes the blood and electrical impulses that would have been flowing all over our brain to flow only to one part of the brain: the fight/flight/freeze(limbic) part of the brain.

In cave-man days, this would have helped us to get to safety either by running away or fighting back against an attacker or threat. However, in the 21st century when we are less likely to be battling against a lion and more likely to battling for an impending deadline at work, an unruly child, and even our own marriage, we can actually hurt ourselves more by staying in a fight/flight/freeze mindset.

Trauma Blocks Intuition

Along with all the physical damages that occur to our body when we are in constant crisis, also become paralyzed and more confused in our decision-making. When the energy in our brain is spent in fight/ flight/freeze there is little energy left for the prefrontal cortex or the judgment and rational thinking part of the brain.

As women, we have natural instincts and intuition that are essential for healthy happy living. This intuition, or inner voice, is subtle and tells us when things are going well or when we need to make a change.

If you have children, you have probably felt this quiet intuition tell you things like “something is wrong,” “call so-and-so today,” or “everything is right and everyone is safe.” However, when you are in fight/flight/ freeze you may feel that everything is unsafe even when it is not.

This intuition is so important to healthy living not only as mothers but as women and spouses. When our brains are hijacked and we are on edge, intuition is compromised and we often cannot listen to our own gut to tell us what we need in any given situation.

Betrayal Trauma and Intuition

When we have been betrayed by a relationship partner, we often go into fight/flight/freeze mode immediately. This is natural and normal, but over time it can over shadow our intuition.

You may have had times in the past where you felt “Something is wrong here, he claims everything is alright, but I know something is wrong.” Then later you found out you were right all along. Other women have stated, “Things feel off. I’m not sure what it is, but something is not right.”

This was your intuition telling you that something was not right in your relationship. This was your intuition telling you to get more information and protect yourself. Unfortunately, once the truth comes out about their partner’s behaviors, most women loose sight of that intuition, and due to trauma, fall into a confusing spiral.

For instance, since your partner’s disclosure you may have said things like, “I feel like something needs to change, but I’m not sure if he lying to me or if I am in my trauma.” Or, “I always feel like things are unsafe, even when they probably are fine. I don’t let him or anyone else into my emotional space because it feels like I am in danger.” Often your partner may even say, “You are just being too sensitive you shouldn’t feel that way! Just let it go and everything will be okay.” These kinds of remarks and thoughts stir our trauma and keep us in fight/flight/freeze mode and possibly keep us in a harmful relationship.

Ironically when we are in fight/flight/ freeze and are constantly on the look out for danger—searching texts, perusing computer histories, asking about him with his coworkers, etc—we remain in fight/flight/freeze and leave no room for intuition to tell us if our searching is even worth the time and energy.

Recovering Your Intuition

Whether you have chosen to stay in or leave a relationship with an addict, you must be equipped with your woman’s intuition. This is an essential aspect of your healing.

There will be times where you have to set up boundaries for safety and stick to them even when everyone except your gut tell you you are wrong. When you are stuck in the whirlwind of the hijacked mind you will probably feel overwhelmed and not have the confidence to hold boundaries in the face of your partner’s insistence and even aggression.

In order to regain our intuition, we must learn to get to a calm space somewhat quickly even in the face of crisis. Since trauma is chronic and will be triggered up frequently at first and less and less over time, we need to be able to practice going from feeling hijacked and overwhelmed and anxious to peaceful and calm each time we feel triggered. It is important to learn how to self-sooth, calm the mind, and find peace and serenity to connect back to that intuition each time you are triggered into your trauma.

When we calm the mind the blood and energy in our brain will flow from the limbic system and fear center to the prefrontal cortex or the rational judgment and thinking center. When we are calm and centered we are better able to tap into our intuition and have a better sense of what is going on in our relationship.

When we can confidently listen to our intuition or “gut” then we will be able to make decisions about establishing safety for our children and ourselves. When you are able to listen to your intuition, you will know what is going on in your relationship even if your partner is lying or if he has lied in the past.

How to Get Centered

There are many many tools and tricks to getting from trauma to a centered place. Many are discussed in our free resources for Trauma, and therapists can help you to practice and learn even more. Here is a list of some possible coping and self-soothing tools.

Recognize that you are in trauma and make the choice to step out of it
Remove yourself physically from the critical situation if possible
Remember that it takes time to cool off, usually at a minimum 20 minutes
Allow yourself to acknowledge and feel the pain (when we fight pain it sticks around when we pay attention to it and validate it, it passes)
Sooth yourself with your senses
Meditate and pray
Practice mindfulness
Deep breath

ESTABLISHING A PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS

EXPERT COACH STACE CHRISTANSON TEACHING BOUNDARIES. SEE FULL CLASS ON BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM . (10:50)

The first key thing you can do to assess your safety needs is to write out a personal “Bill of Rights.” First, you must be in a calm and centered place to write this list.

Here’s an example of a short list of rights:

I have the right to physical safety in my home
I have a right to a home free of pornographic images
I have a right not to feel fear every day
I have the right to a quiet shower
I have the right to take a walk
I have the right to sleep in the bedroom by myself
I have the right to say yes or no to sex

Assignment: My Personal Bill of Rights

Writing a personal Bill of Rights is a great way for us to look at what we need and deserve, as we can forget who we are and what we need. At times we might even feel selfish for wanting simple things like a shower, going to the bathroom alone, or a warm meal. Many think that giving up these rights will make us more serviceable or better people, but over time we find that we may lose our identities. Here are a few examples of rights that others have considered:

I have the right to a private, relaxing shower
I have the right to say no or yes to sex
I have the right to a day or evening off
I have the right to pray on my own
I have the right to dictate how I spend my time
I have the right to take a walk by myself
I have the right to a warm meal
I have the right to social support and connection
I have the right to say no to any request I don’t want to do
I have the right to personal preferences and opinions

Take some time to really think and feel about your personal rights. Don’t do this too quickly, and DON’T merely list things you feel like you should believe. Really dig deep and pay attention to what feels right. If you feel something and then second-guess it, ask yourself the following questions.

Do I believe most other people on earth have this right?
If so, why do I believe I am different?

We invite you to start your personal Bill of Rights. Remember this is a fluid document and does not have to be perfect on the first draft. Ponder, think, and feel as you go.

NON-NEGOTIABLES

After you seriously consider your rights, the second step is to think about what you need from your husband in order to make sure your rights and needs are met, or in other words, your non-negotiables. Keep in mind that non-negotiable means these cannot be negotiated and are essential to your well-being and safety.

Here’s a short list of example non-negotiables:

I need you to attend a 12-step group weekly for a minimum of two years so that I can feel safe.
I need you to attend counseling for a minimum of one year so that I can feel less fear.
I need you to find a sponsor by (a certain date). All bank accounts, credit cards, and financial matters must be open to me. I don’t want pressure to be sexual with you. I will be sexual with you at my discretion.
I need you to talk with our religious leader by (a certain date).

Remember this is just a list of examples. These may not fit your situation or your partner’s situation. You will listen to your intuition and find your unique list through meditation, thought or prayer.

What are your non-negotiables? Write them on a separate sheet of paper.

PLAN OF ACTION

Once you have established your rights and non-negotiables, the third step is to give serious consideration to the plan of action for when these non-negotiables are broken or violated. Without a plan of action or consequence, your non-negotiables have no power.

If your teenager didn’t come home until 3:00 a.m. the first day she got her drivers license, what would you do? You’d set a boundary! Why? Because you care about her physical safety and your emotional safety. It wouldn’t be helpful to just tell her what you need or want. You’d have to set up a plan of action and a consequence if she crossed that boundary, to give that boundary power.

If when she came home you merely shared with her your non- negotiables by saying “I don’t want you driving until 3:00 a.m. anymore,” you would only be expressing your desires. As such, she may take the car and go out again due to lack of consequence. But, if you set up a plan of action or accompanying consequence in case she does cross that boundary, then the boundary has power. A logical consequence might be: your daughter loses her car privileges for the next two weeks.

Setting up a plan of action with your spouse is not as cut-and-dry as with a child since the parent-child relationship is very di erent. How- ever, it is a good rule of thumb to remember that all plans of action should come from a centered place and include the following:

Sometimes at this stage you can ask your spouse to help come up with a plan of action for each non-negotiable. However, depending on your relationship and your husband's recovery status, you may need to set them on your own.

Something you are willing to follow through on
Something you are capable of following through with on your own • Something that feels like a natural consequence of the broken boundary

Writing Your Boundaries

Many women feel that by setting boundaries they are being over- controlling, dominating, or flat out mean. This is not the case. Boundaries are not only out of love, but are based on the only person you have control over: yourself. You are not controlling anyone’s behaviors, but are rather creating an expectation and asking others to respect you. The other people in your life then make the choice; they will then have agency and accountability over their consequences.

Your Bill of Rights, Non-negotiables and Plan of Action, are pieces that will enable you to fully write out effective boundaries. While thinking about your boundaries, pay attention to the following guidelines:

A time frame: it helps to have a time frame to complete a behavior (e.g. have a sponsor in two months)
Specific actions: attend a 12-step group, talk with a professional counselor or tell your family
Outcomes: This is easily written in an “if, then” format (e.g. When you are doing ______ I will do _______.)

Follow Through: As you consider the consequences of certain actions, it is critical that you are willing to follow through with the plan of action. Any boundaries set without follow-through will only show your spouse (or children, or anyone else in your life) that you are a doormat to be walked upon.

Example #1: I need you to have a sponsor for me to feel emotional safety in our relationship. If you haven’t found a sponsor by (a certain date), then I will ask you to sleep in the spare bedroom until you have found a sponsor and introduced me to that sponsor. If you do not sleep in the spare bedroom, then I will call (a person) and ask him to escort you.

Example #2: If my intuition tells me that you have lied to me, then I will emotionally and physically disconnect from you for the rest of the day whether you claim you are telling the truth or not.

(Remember that these examples may not fit your situation. Do not feel pressured into using any examples provided here. Specific boundaries are different and unique for each person and cannot be mandated by anyone but you.)

Take a moment now to write out your boundaries.

Again, boundaries are designed to help you feel empowered. You are setting up the expectations and the accompanying plan of action. Once they are established, your partner has a choice to follow them or not. Your challenge will be to step back and observe and follow through with the boundary, rather than try to force your spouse to comply. The old adage, “A man forced against his will remains the same still,” holds true.

Finally, remember that once people are used to a situation for a long period it's easy to get upset when that system or situation changes. Think of a four year old. Imagine that for the first four years of his life you let him get out of bed multiple times for drinks of water or trips to the bathroom. Now, you decide that he can get one drink of water and one trip to the bathroom and then must stay in bed. The first time you set up this new boundary what will you see? A complete terror! He will probably push your buttons, cry, beg, insult, throw things and do any- thing he can to get you to go back to the old system. He will probably break the boundary a few times, running from his room to the bath- room, just to see what will happen. But after this boundary is held multiple times he will learn to stay in his bed.

You can expect that any time you change an old way of thinking and living (setting a new boundary) that other people will become unhappy and sometimes downright unpleasant. This may seem scary, but remember, that is what the plan of action is for! There is no need to fear. Before the situation comes up, you will have laid out in writing your rights, what you need, and what will happen if your boundaries are crossed. You will have created these boundaries from an intuitive and centered place giving you confidence that the boundaries you have set for yourself and your family are right for you.

As you hold your ground and do what you feel is right for you and for your family, your life will change.

We hope you have found help through today's lesson and that you feel greater hope in the possibility of healing. Remember, what you are experiencing is instinctive and natural, and there are a vast number of women suffering in a similar way to you.

Two Important Steps in Overcoming Betrayal Trauma: Quit Burying the Pain and Giving Up the Illusion of Control

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 20:34:20 GMT

HOW TO QUIT BURYING YOUR PAIN

( LISTEN TO THE AUDIO CLIP: WHY DO WE BURY THE PAIN BY DR. KEVIN SKINNER )

Sometimes, due to shame and the overwhelming nature of trauma, many women suffering from Betrayal Trauma bury or bottle up their hurt and pain.

One woman described her experience this way, “I kept my husband's behaviors to myself because I didn’t think anyone would really understand me. I felt so much shame and embarrassment that I didn’t want anyone to know. Yet, I was dying inside. I felt like I was going to explode.”

Another said, “Many times I wasn’t even aware of my pain. I would keep myself busy with the kids or the house or my job so that I couldn’t pay attention to how bad I felt. Then, every few months or so, it would just explode out of me toward everyone. No one knew the real reason I was blowing up.”

If you have buried or bottled up your pain to “keep it together” or “take one for the team,” it's time to stop. Look at what your stress is doing to you, and establish a strategy for letting out your hurt and pain.

You may have been afraid to discuss what is happening and address the true pain you are experiencing. It's normal for us to feel embarrassed by what our spouse has done and fear judgment from others. Fortunately, if you are willing to take a courageous step in the face of fear, you can find great support and healing.

Emotional pain has been likened to a swamp. If you don't find the courage to walk through it, you will continue to either miserably stand in the middle of it or stand outside of it wishing it would vanish. If you are brave and allow yourself to move through the pain and share it with others for support, you can get through it and leave the intensity of it behind.

Below you will find three key ideas to help you walk through your pain.

Write In Your Journal

There is a tremendous power in journaling. If you aren’t ready at this point to talk about your feelings and experiences, you may find some relief by putting them to paper. In fact, researchers have found that people who journal about their hurt or pain are less likely to be depressed and have better physical health than those who hold their pain inside.

Assignment: Sharing Your Story

If you have difficulty knowing what to write about, we have a short assignment that will guide you through specific experiences you have had. This assignment, “Sharing Your Story” is a valuable step you can use to help make sense of your experience.

"For years I hide from the reality of what my partner was doing. I knew something was wrong, but who could I tell? The children would be devastated. My parent's and family would turn against my husband. Our neighbors would judge us. Who, who could I possible tell?" We receive comments or hear stories like this all of the time. Unfortunately, many women don't realize that by holding in all of the hurt, pain, shame, embarrassment, and anger the issue doesn't go away. In fact, it often manifests itself in physical symptoms (e.g. headaches, IBS- irritable bowel syndrome, muscle tension). Women develop physical ailments and emotional issues like depression and anxiety. Conversely, healing begins to occur when your difficult feelings and emotions can be shared in a safe place.

Furthermore, what you are feeling and thinking about matters. Your story truly matters and it is an important part of your recovery. This assignment is designed to help you give voice to your experience. While the focus of recovery can easily be turned to your partner, we want to validate your story. This is your story, your experience, your pain, and your hurt.

Each of the questions below are designed to help you think about your story.

Please describe how you found out. Where were you? What time of the year was it? Describe what happened.

The day you discovered what happened, how did you respond? Please write down what you were feeling and thinking. Next, focus on how you felt physically.

Knowing what you do now is there anything you wish you would have said or done differently that day?

If you could go back in time and give yourself any advice, what advice would you give yourself?

As you reflect on your story are you able to feel compassion for self or are you negative and critical towards yourself? Please write down your response and why you are responding the way you are.

As you reflect on these questions, there is a good chance that you will remember some of the hurt and pain associated with discovering your partners addiction. However, as you write down your experiences and thoughts associated with what has been happening, your mind will begin to make sense of what you have been through. Hopefully, you will see areas that you have grown in and also find areas that you still need some healing.

Find Healthy Social Support

Finding safe support is a critical step toward healing and recovery. Therapists have discovered that people who open up and share their experiences with others find relief from their pain faster.

It's essential to seriously consider with whom you might share your pain so that you get true support. We all know people in our lives that turn our problems into their own, or who may judge our partners or us. These are not the people to share with. Instead, find someone experiencing similar trauma in a 12-step group or a close friend who may have disclosed similar experiences. Connecting with people who have had similar experiences, especially those who are further along in the healing process, provides essential support and guidance on your road to recovery.

Usually your partner should not be your only support. Even if he is in recovery and is a great support, we suggest that you also find women to connect with. If your husband is not at a healthy point in recovery, he may even be detrimental to your healing, as he may become defensive,

irritable, angry or blame your pain on you. This can be more damaging than holding your feelings inside.

Again, we recommend looking for support in a spiritual leader, support group, close friend or family member who understands your pain.

One resources we recommend for secure, private and effective support is Bloom. You can learn about Bloom here:

Bloomforwomen.com

GIVING UP THE ILLUSION OF CONTROL

One of the biggest challenges women face when they have discovered their partner’s sexual addiction or infidelity is knowing how to respond. Anger, hurt, and intense feelings of betrayal are common.

Another common response is to become overly involved in what your partner is doing. Many people begin to check phone records, look at computer logins, and track almost everything that their spouse is doing because of the fear that they won't know if he is acting out again.

While this may seem helpful at the time and alleviate some of the fears initially, seldom do these hyper-vigilant behaviors (common in PTSD) bring peace to the mind. When you become a detective of your husband’s behavior it turns your energy and focus toward catching him rather than on your own healing. Gradually, being a detective can be all consuming and will dominate the mind. It can become an obsession.

And unfortunately, even with all of the checking and exploring, no one truly has control over anyone else’s behavior. No matter how frequently you check up on him, you cannot control your partner’s behaviors long term.

Sometimes people think that if they check the records and look at the computer logs they can somehow prevent their partner from relapsing. You may have even had an experience where you found evidence of his acting out and he stopped the behavior for a time. This can be very rewarding and may encourage you to continue to play the detective.

However, recovery and healing for either you or your partner will not occur this way. Recovery for you is learning to let your partner be responsible and accountable for his own recovery. Recovery for him is learning to let go of addiction without your constant vigilance.

Giving Up Control So You Can Be In Control

When we asked about giving up control, one woman said, “When you give up control, it feels like you are stepping into the dark. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I became content knowing that I didn’t have to solve everything. I learned that when I give up trying to gain control I actually increased control over myself.”

Many women described giving up control as one of the most difficult parts and also the biggest accomplishment in their recovery. We have gathered some feedback from some women who have been through this in the past. They said:

I learned to let God take over and I began focusing on my healing.
For the first time in months, when I stopped worrying about every single thing that my husband was doing, I finally felt some peace. I realized I was analyzing everything he did. When I gave it up, I found some peace for the first time in a long time. Ironically, when I stopped worrying, my husband began to change and open up more to me.
When I stopped stalking my husband via GPS, reading his computer history every time he turned around, and reading his texts, I found that I had way more time to focus on me. Looking back, I realized that I was checking on him because it made me feel a false sense of safety and control. When I realized that I was spending more time trying to force him into recovery than on my own healing and happiness, I decided to make a change and give it up to God.

It's important to understand that when you give up control it isn’t that you are giving up, and it isn’t that you are saying that your partner’s behaviors are okay, rather you are letting your husband be accountable for his own healing and move your focus to your own healing.

We hope you have found today’s lesson encouraging and that you feel greater hope in the possibility of healing.

Betrayal Trauma Trigger Management: Soothing with Your Senses

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 19:47:13 GMT

HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY TACTICS

When you are in crisis, you are so overwhelmed that you're rarely able to listen to instincts and intuition. In crisis, you will feel even more confused, paralyzed, and sometimes at higher risk of getting hurt.

Since regaining intuition is so important, we will discuss a few ways to help you get to a calm and peaceful space where you can listen to your inner voice.

Below are some examples of common healthy and unhealthy tactics for self-soothing:

Healthy Self-Soothing Tactics:

Deep breathing
Exercise
Reading a good book
Prayer and meditation
Scheduling time alone to meditate
Laughing

Unhealthy Tactics to Self-Soothe:

Absorbing yourself in problems trying to solve them
Overworking yourself Being cynical toward others
Unhealthy eating: binging/ starvation
Use of alcohol or other substances
Excessive or lack of sleep

Observing this list, how many of the unhealthy self-soothing tactics do you find yourself implementing when confronted with a tough situation? How often do you implement the healthy self-soothing tactics? It is very common for women experiencing Betrayal Trauma to revert to unhealthy practices in an effort reestablish peace in their own lives. During difficult times it is critical to have healthy strategies to help you find inner peace and confidence. This store of inner peace and confidence will help you through future challenges.

THE POWER OF YOUR SENSES

A QUICK SELF-SOOTHING EXERCISE OFFERED BY BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM

Your senses consist of smell, touch, taste, sight, and sound. Two additional senses that we often forget are kinesthetic and internal senses. Kinesthetic sense is the way your body engages in the outside world. For example: throwing a baseball, dancing, moving, and jumping. Kinesthetic sense occurs when your physical body is engaged. Internal sense involves acuity or keenness to your experience within our bodies. For instance, when you feel anxious, your internal sense responds with a wrenching stomach, increased heart rate and tightening of the lungs.

Your senses are powerful and provide an extremely effective way to take control over your own emotional state. When your senses are engaged in a healthy manner, your attention is taken o the past and future, allowing you to focus on yourself and that present moment. Experiencing life in the present is the key to a calmer self.

We have created a list of items to engage your senses and help focus and calm your mind. Pausing to really engage and hone into your senses will calm your spirit, help you look outside yourself and allow you to focus on the present.

The examples are as follows:

Smell

Fresh Air Flowers
A favorite lotion Baking

Touch

Soft blanket
A pet
Hug a friend
Grass

Internal

Envision a peaceful scene
Take deep breaths
Ponder and meditate
Be still

Taste

Dark chocolate
Fresh fruit
Gum
A favorite hard candy

Sound

A favorite song
Birds chirping
Beach waves
Family laughing

Sight

Photos
Artwork
Heirlooms
Nature

YOUR SELF CALMING KIT

When our brain is hi-jacked we react on intense emotions and often behave in ways we regret later on. In order to calm or regulate our mind and body, we need to self-soothe.

Unfortunately, many don’t know how to self-soothe and create unhealthy soothing habits.

As we mentioned earlier, here are a few examples of healthy and unhealthy soothing habits:

Healthy Self-Soothing

Deep Breathing
Plan of Peace
Exercise
Reading a Good Book
Prayer and Meditation
Scheduling Time Alone to Meditate

Unhealthy Efforts to Self-Soothe

Focus on Problem—Anxiety Rules
Unhealthy Eating—Binging, Starvation • Use of Alcohol or Other Substances
Excessive or Under Sleeping
Being Cynical Towards Others
Overworking Yourself

Take Control Using Your Senses

A great way to take control of your emotional state is to engage your kinesthetic and internal senses. Kinesthetic sense is the way our body engages in the outside world. Our internal sense involves acuity to our experience within.

Here are a few sense engagement ideas that will slow down your mind:

Smell

Fresh Air
Flowers
A Favorite Lotion

Taste

Dark Chocolate
Fresh Fruit
Gum
A Favorite Hard Candy

Sight

Photos
Artwork
Nature
Heirlooms

Touch

Soft Blanket
A Pet
Hug a Friend
Grass

Sound

Favorite Song
Birds Chirping
Beach Waves
Family Laughing

Kinesthetic

Running
Walking
Crafting
Cooking

Internal

Envision a Peaceful Scene
Take Deep Breaths
Ponder and Meditate
Being Still

Create Your Calming Kit

We encourage you to prepare soothing exercises that are appealing to you by creating a calming kit.

This assignment will assist you in creating a self-calming kit depending on your unique likes and comfort level.

Instructions

Step 1

Make a list of items you enjoy from each of the seven senses.

Here are some examples to help you begin thinking about what you enjoy:

Smell

A Favorite Lotion or Perfume
A Nostalgic Smell
Essential Oils

Taste

Dark Chocolate
Honey Sticks
Gum

Sight

Photos of Family
Post cards of places you have been or want to go
Inspiring Quotes

Touch

Soft Blanket
Smooth Stone

Sound

Mix CD of Inspiriting Music
CD of Nature Sounds
Audio Recording of Positive Self- Talk

Kinesthetic

Package of Play-Dough or Clay
Pen and Paper for Doodling
Oils, Makers, Paints

Internal

Crisis Journal
Religious Readings
Quotes

Step 2

Create Your List

Step 3

Collect One or Two Items for Each Category

Step 4

Place items into an accessible, appropriately sized box (shoe box, tote, bag, etc.)

Step 5

Go to your kit when in time of crisis.

Using this self-soothing kit or engaging in any of these self-soothing exercises regularly will help you to

center yourself. Engaging in mind- fulness and meditation exercises can also help you go to a place where you can listen to your intuition.

Why Living in Betrayal Trauma Feels like Living with a Lion

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 17:00:50 GMT

INTRODUCTION

Your brain and body are miraculous! The human body is designed to keep us alive, safe, and comfortable. When our ancestors came in contact with something dangerous, say a lion that wanted to eat them, their bodies and brains learned to produce hormones, or messenger chemicals, to kick them into gear to keep them safe.

“Watch out! Get ready to run, or fight, or freeze!”

These messenger hormones are controlled by the sympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system is the “status quo” regulator and defense system in our body. It helps us keep our heart rate, pupil dilation, and other responses at a comfortable hum. When something threatening occurs, this system takes messages from our external senses like “I see a lion with big-sharp- snappy-teeth that probably wants to make me his dinner!” and tells the adrenal gland to pump out important

“fight-flight-freeze” hormones such as adrenalin, noradrenalin, and cortisol.

The activated sympathetic system increases:

Blood pressure
Heart rate
Fuel availability
Increased adrenalin and cortisol
Oxygen circulation to vital organs
Blood clotting
Pupil size and peripheral vision (improves vision)

And decreases:

Fuel storage (decreased insulin activity to store glucose)
Digestion

All of these effects help our body to protect itself in the best way necessary. As you can tell, this system is important because it helps us get away from dangerous situations, such as the lion with big snappy teeth.

However, if the “lion with big-snappy- teeth” moves into our bedroom, we end up with a cumulative effect of these hormones, adrenalin and cortisol. And that can cause big problems.

ADRENALINE

Adrenalin is the same as epinephrine. If you’ve ever had an allergic reaction and had to get an epinephrine shot, you’ve been given a big dose of adrenalin. Adrenalin has a lot of jobs. Adrenalin aids in:

Increasing heart rate
Expanding air passages in the lungs
Increasing blood pressure
Moving blood to the muscles in the arms and legs
Decreasing inflammation

As you can imagine, chronic (ongoing)-acute (intense) stress, resulting in a lot of Adrenalin surges, can have damaging effects on the body.

Going back to our example, if the lion moves into the house, our ancestor is going to have several adrenalin surges every day. Imagine our ancestor in her everyday life. She wakes up, looks across the bed, and there the lion is licking his lips. “Run away!” screams her body. Then she goes into the bathroom brushes her teeth minding her own business, when all of a sudden the lion’s head pops out from behind the shower curtain. “Grab the plunger and stab it in the eye!” Over the course of her life, our ancestor’s body will become hypersensitive to any kind of threat and those adrenalin surges will take its toll.

Chronic-acute stress and regular adrenalin surges can lead to:

Heart Disease
Sleep Problems
Digestive problems
Depression
Stroke
Perhaps Cancer

Pretty bleak right? Let’s move on to cortisol.

CORTISOL

Cortisol is a steroid and is released in abundance during periods of chronic stress. It is cortisol’s job to aid in the metabolic processes. It also influences similar body systems that adrenalin does. Cortisol influences:

Blood sugar levels
Acts as an anti-inflammatory
Influences memory formation
Controls salt and water balance
Influences blood pressure

Chronically high levels of cortisol due to stress can lead to a whole host of problems as well. Some include:

Weight gain (primarily in the abdomen) • High blood pressure
Skin Changes (Eczema)
Muscle weakness
Mood swings including anxiety and depression
Fatigue
Problems with short term memory formation

IMAGINE

Imagine that every day you feel the kind of stress and exhaustion that our ancestor felt living in a house with a hungry lion. Your cortisol levels are probably going to be very high. Over time, you might start to notice some unwanted weight gain, but you think, “well it’s the holiday season and I have been giving in to a lot of sweets.” Then you notice that you’re exhausted all the time, you have difficulty sleeping, and you feel weak. You may feel emotionally out of control, high highs and low lows, you feel constantly on edge, and sometimes in deep despair. You also notice that you tend to lose things and you can’t remember easy things, like simple words or people’s names. The problem with chronic and chronic- acute stress is we often grow so accustomed to all of these feelings that we begin to ignore or even justify away these very uncomfortable symptoms of high stress.

Now imagine that this hungry lion is actually your husband. You aren’t

quite sure if he’s going to strike out at you and hurt you with his words. You’re not sure if he’ll withdrawal into his den just at the moment when you need his help the most. And you aren’t quite sure if he’s going to be there when you open up to him. You may not even know if he’ll stay in the marriage, or if he’ll betray you again.

On top of it all, a part of you might really love this “lion” or at least a part of you did once, and you want him to come closer to you and help ease this stress. It is possible that the lion is gone, and now you’re left feeling on edge all the time. Either way, this probably feels extremely confusing, painful, and STRESSFUL.

MY BODY

It is likely, considering what you’ve been through, that you have elevated levels of cortisol and adrenaline. The long-term influence of these hormones can be as severe, some of which you may have already experienced or are currently experiencing.

Heart attack
Stroke
Obesity
Diabetes
Generalized Anxiety
Major Depression and possibly thoughts of suicide

Stressing About Stress

“Great so now I get to stress about my stress??!!” This is often what people ask me once we’ve talked about the harmful effects of long term stress. As you can imagine, stressing about stress is not helpful.

Instead, consider DE-STRESSING. Involve yourself in techniques daily to lower your heart rate and purposefully aid your sympathetic system in bringing your body back to its usual hum. It may have been years since the last time you felt truly calm, so it will take practice. Here are a few things that have been found to decrease stress.

Day-to-Day Practice

Journal
Yoga
Meditation/Pondering/Prayer
Exercise/Healthy eating
Play, recreation, hobbies
Practicing personal hygiene
Creating routine/boundaries around time
Thought stopping and addressing thoughts that snowball into negativity

HOW TO LIVE WITH A LION

LEARN THE IMPORTANCE OF FINDING SAFETY WHILE GOING THROUGH BETRAYAL TRAUMA: BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM (14:19)

Living with the Lion

Since you may be living with the “lion” and waiting to see if he’ll turn into a husband at some point, you may feel that these stress reducers seem small and futile. I suggest a few techniques (to add to the above list) that are unique to your situation:

Learn about the symptoms of addiction and what you can/can’t expect
Work with a therapist to better understand how to deal with your stress and options you have in your current situation
Attend a 12-step group and socialize there to make connections
Connect with a really safe and trustworthy close friend/spiritual
leader/12-step member and call them regularly, especially when stress levels are high
Love at a distance when your husband is not available or hurtful
Set boundaries for your safety

Try integrating a few small things every day into your current routine. Don’t try to take it on all at once, but see what you can do to alleviate some of the stress in your life today. Also, and most importantly, remember if you’re experiencing “bizarre” or “crazy” feelings, thoughts, or behaviors related to stress, remind yourself that your experience is normal considering your context and give yourself some time, space, and kindness to heal.

Why You Need Yoga in Trauma Recovery

Thu, 19 Jul 2018 16:44:46 GMT

INTRODUCTION

We expect relationships to be built on trust, love and mutual respect, which is why betrayal in a marriage can seem both shocking and hurtful, and cause feelings of chaos and confusion. Few experiences create more pain and hurt than sexual infidelity (whether virtual or physical).

Betrayal trauma is a condition that parallels PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). When trust and safety are broken, the betrayed spouse naturally calls into question the bond they have with their partner.

Unfortunately, many women get stuck “in” their trauma. These unresolved issues are often carried into their lives and create emotional challenges (depression, anxiety, elevated stress) as well as physical problems (fibromyalgia, IBS, immune disorders, high blood pressure, etc.). When trauma isn’t resolved, it settles into our mind and our bodies.

TRAUMA'S IMPACT ON THE BODY

VIDEO ANSWER FROM DR. SKINNER: WHAT IS BETRAYAL TRAUMA AND WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS? (7:11)

TRAUMA’S IMPACT ON THE MIND

Betrayal Trauma creates feelings of hopelessness, danger, anxiousness and impacts our ability to express ourselves, making it difficult to regulate our emotions. As a result, our problem solving is impaired and we begin to shut down and lose our ability to connect to others, creating further feelings of loneliness and fear.

TRAUMA IS STORED IN THE BODY

Betrayal Trauma generally creates the fight, flight or freeze response. The trauma is stored in the body, even down to the cellular level. These protective responses put us in a protective state of mind. However, if the trauma is not released or resolved, the way we think, learn, remember and feel is altered. Symptoms of trauma being stored in the body are muscle tension, tightness, IBS, anxiousness, depression, TMJ, fibromyalgia,

headaches, restlessness or exhaustion.

TREATING BETRAYAL TRAUMA'S IMPACT ON THE MIND AND BODY

WANT TO PRACTICE YOGA SPECIFIC TO TRAUMA? MEET SARIAH OF BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM (2:53)

TREATING TRAUMA’S IMPACT ON THE MIND

For years, professional therapists have attempted to talk through trauma with their clients in an effort to bring relief. This approach to therapy is referred to as a narrative approach. Describing this process, Pat Ogden wrote, “The working premise is that significant change in the client’s cognitions and emotions will effect change in the physical or embodied experience of the client’s sense of self. The prime target for therapeutic intervention is therefore the client’s language; that is, the narrative is the entry point into the therapeutic process.” (1) Unfortunately, the results of using the narrative approach have been mixed.

Fortunately, professionals have continued to search for best treatment practices. Today, there is a growing

body of evidence that suggests that treating trauma may be best done by blending narrative therapy with movement interventions. Using this model, clients are taught to attend to thoughts (e.g. I am bad person), emotions (e.g. sadness, fear), and body sensations (e.g. tightness in chest, headaches). By incorporating all three of these areas, they learn to attune to their mind and body. Using this approach, the mind and body work together in the healing process.

TREATING TRAUMA’S IMPACT ON THE BODY

While there is plenty of research describing the benefits of talk therapy, there has been less work done on the benefits of treating trauma through movement interventions. Yoga is one of the movement based treatments. Yoga, by definition, is a combination of physical forms, focused breathing and purposeful attention or mindfulness. It increases awareness of the mind-body connection and builds self-regulation skills. It has been shown to have benefits for treating many medical problems (e.g. diabetes, arthritis, fibromyalgia, cancer) and mental health issues (depression, anxiety). (2)

In an effort to determine if Yoga could help reduce post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms in women with complex trauma, researcher Bessel van der Kolk and his colleagues examined the effects of trauma sensitive yoga (TSY) on women with complex trauma who were unresponsive to traditional psychotherapy. He wrote, “In research supported by the National Institutes of Health, my colleagues and I have shown that ten weeks of yoga practice markedly reduced the PTSD symptoms of patients who had failed to respond to any medication or to any other treatment.” (3) This significant finding suggests that in some cases of complex trauma, yoga may be a good starting place for healing and recovery.

These findings about the effectiveness of using yoga were surprising to investigators. For the first time ever, they had evidence that using physical movements to treat trauma was effective. This led researcher Alison Rhodes to conduct follow-up research in which she found, “At 1 to 3 years post-treatment, women who practiced yoga following the study were more likely to show a loss of PTSD diagnosis and greater reductions in PTSD and depressive symptoms.” (4) These findings are exciting in that they offer clinicians additional ideas to support clients who have been stuck in trauma.

WHY YOGA WORKS?

HOW HAS YOGA HELPED? KIM SHARES HER EXPERIENCE (1:20)

(Root is the yoga studio found at Addo Recovery)

If you are like many people, you may be wondering why yoga is helpful in treating trauma. This is the same question that researchers had after discovering these exciting results. In an effort to answer this question, they interviewed many of the women who went through the 10 week trauma- sensitive yoga program. They discovered three key findings:

By giving purposeful attention with physical postures and focused breathing, participants improved their capacity for present moment awareness.
By noticing how they were feeling in their body, it helped them gain a greater tolerance for difficult emotional states and body sensations.
Increased awareness of inner body sensations instilled a sense of ownership over one’s physical body that many women had lost through their traumatic experience. Regarding this, the author who interviewed the women wrote,

“Women started to recognize that their bodies belonged to them, that their bodies were under their control, and that they could be safe in their bodies.” (5)

Based on these interviews, it appears that there is a healing power in movement interventions such as trauma sensitive yoga. There are other movement based interventions such as the sensorimotor approach that have also been found to be effective in treating trauma. For more information on this approach, see the work of Dr.’s Pat Ogden and Peter Levine.

It is important to note that trauma- sensitive yoga is just what it says it is, trauma sensitive. Anytime an individual attempts to deal with trauma, they are intentionally exposing themselves to difficult thoughts, emotions and body sensations. Therefore, when attempting to deal with trauma through yoga or talk therapy, make sure to have professional support readily available if need be.

COMBINING YOGA AND NARRATIVE: THE BEST WAY

When you address traumatic experiences in therapy, your therapist may encourage you to participate in yoga. This is because they understand the power of combining the mind and body in your healing. Yoga will enhance your internal awareness of body sensations. You will learn to attend to breathing patterns and become more mindful of how specific thoughts influence your body. By combining these two strategies, you will learn to incorporate your body’s need for movement with your mind’s thoughts and emotions. As your mind and body work together, negative beliefs and painful emotions will be revealed through the awareness you gain from paying attention to your body’s sensations. By using this approach, you will gain a deeper appreciation into how your body is responding to trauma. This awareness will help you gain a better sense of how to heal.

If you are stuck in trauma, we recommend using a mind-body based approach by incorporating yoga into your healing plan.

REFERENCES

P. Ogden, K. Minton, and C. Pain, (2006) “Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. Introduction XXIX. Norton. New York: New York
D. Emerson, “Trauma-Sensitive Yoga in Therapy: Bringing the Body into Treatment.” Location 36 of 2353, W.W. Norton & Company: New York: New York
B.A. van der Kolk, et al., “Yoga As an Adjunctive Treatment for PTSD.” Journal of Clinical Psychiatry 75, no. 6 (June 2014): 559-65.
D. Emerson, “Trauma-Sensitive Yoga in Therapy: Bringing the Body into Treatment.” Location 59 of 2353, W.W. Norton & Company: New York: New York
D. Emerson, “Trauma-Sensitive Yoga in Therapy: Bringing the Body into Treatment.” Location 69 of 2353, W.W. Norton & Company: New York: New York

Understanding Attachment and Addiction

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 22:54:48 GMT

UNDERSTAND THE BRAIN, UNDERSTAND THE ADDICTION

It is not uncommon for someone struggling with addiction to try and control their behaviors, succeed for a while, then slip and feel overwhelmed and hopeless. It’s a cycle many addicts struggle to beat for a long time.

It can take years of cycling through relapses before methods like thought-stopping and willpower become effective. And even then, these methods are usually only effective for a short time and fail to cause long-term change. The addict is left feeling frustrated and defeated after all good intentions fail.

Clearly, establishing recovery and sobriety from addiction is no easy task. It takes more than just understanding an addiction to achieve success. True recovery comes from understanding the brain. Knowing how the brain should function and emotionally regulate helps an addict understand why their brain is different. Knowing how and why an addict’s brain differs from a normal-functioning brain can help the recovery process.

As an addict understands the brain and how it should function, the addict recognizes that addiction is a form of emotional dysregulation. In times of distress or tension, instead of reaching out to others, the addict engages in their addiction - in this case looks at porn, to emotionally regulate the discomfort.

Dr. Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D, writes,

“Our brain is designed to promote relationships. Specific parts of the human brain respond to emotional cues (such as facial expressions, touch, scent) and, more importantly, allow us to get pleasure from positive human interactions. The systems in the brain that mediate pleasure appear to be closely connected to the systems that mediate emotional relationships.”

Relationships don’t just soothe in times of distress. Relationships also provide pleasure and comfort and emotional regulation tends to follow a pattern. In times of distress an individual instinctually reaches out to others, then emotionally attunes to a place of calmness. After calming, the individual attaches to another, usually through physical touch, and stress leaves the body. When the stress disappears, the individual feels emotionally resilient and gains confidence.

THE ATTACHMENT CYCLE

VIDEO: ATTACHMENT COURSE FOUND ON BLOOM (2:16)

Stress: We all experience stress. Stress is normal and a result of living in the world. And stress actually motivates normal behavior and in that sense can be healthy. However sometimes stress becomes overwhelming and unmanageable. Unmanaged stress can turn into tension in the body which becomes emotionally and physically painful due to too many stress hormones in the brain and body. The good news is that the body has an instinctual response when stress becomes unmanageable. The response is to reach out to others.

Reaching out: When a five year-old climbs a tree, he is engaging the stress of the world by exerting himself. But when he falls and scrapes his knee, he instinctually runs to Mom and Dad. We all have this response. When things become difficult, we turn to others for safety and security, sometimes in small ways. We call friends when we have a bad day, we seek affection from our spouse when we feel stress, or we cling to others when scared. This response is part of our genetic code and is instinctual safety refined through connection. Just like buffalo group together when danger is near and flocks of birds fly together during the trek south, we have have a deep instinctual understanding that comes through connection.

Attunement: Once the process of reaching out to others is established, an individual learns to resolve conflict in the context of being with others. The unique process in the interaction between two individuals is called attunement. Attunement is how our implicit and unconscious movements, gestures, tones, body language and eye contact help communicate safety and acceptance between two people.

David Boadella reviewing Alan Shore’s work writes, “Dialogue corresponds to a flow of contact through touch, eye contact, tone of voice and empathic resonance: these contact forms are aspects of good attunement.” (Affect, attachment and attunement: Thoughts inspired in dialogue with the three-volume work of Allan Shore Energy & Character vo1.34 September 2005 reviewed and discussed by David Boadella.)

Attachment: When the little boy is calmed, Mom kisses her son on the forehead. The little boy feels better and has forgotten the pain from just moments ago. He thanks his mom, pushes her aside, and runs out the back door to climb the same tree that inflicted the original pain. He is now emotionally resilient. Reaching out to his mother relieved the stress hormones and he now feels ready to return to the stressful world. The kiss from Mom served as a sign that emotional regulation has been restored. The little boy now feels accepted and capable.

Norman Doidge, in The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science writes, “For children to know and regulate their emotions, and be socially connected, they need to experience this kind of interaction many hundreds of times in the critical period and then have it reinforced later in life.” (227) Emotional resilience: After the attachment process, the little boy is in a state of strong emotional resilience. Emotional resilience makes us feel capable. While we do not consciously connect to

the events previously experienced, this feeling of capability is the emotional result of having been through difficulty and living to tell about it.

Secure base: After experiencing the attachment process again and again, individuals begin to build a memory bank that researchers call the secure base. Confidence is actually the cumulative result of hundreds if not thousands of moments in our lives when the attachment cycle is completed.

THE DAMAGED ATTACHMENT CYCLE

So where does it go wrong? In addiction, sometimes the process of reaching out is damaged or interrupted. There are a few different ways this can happen.

The instinct can be abused or neglected by others. If the little boy falls and scrapes his knee and runs into the house for help but his frustrated father hits him for slamming the door, it will not take long for his instinctual need to reach out to become muted. Or if his parents are not home any time he needs comfort his emotional system will begin to diminish. Or if he is exposed to overly-stimulating chemicals or behaviors such as pornography, his brain may become confused about where it should turn for relief. Compulsive stimulus (object focused v. other focused .... porn v. relationships) produces

excitement and thrill by manipulating brain chemistry. Regardless of the method or reason why the reaching out instinct gets blocked, the brain begins to develop an addictive or compulsive pattern that is a reflection of the original desire for attachment, but it becomes object focused instead of focused on other people.

Isolation: When the reaching out mechanism becomes blocked, an individual will begin to experience isolation. The individual will pull away from others because they see others as somehow unsafe or unpredictable.The little boy who falls out of the tree will hide and cry instead of seeking comfort from his family. These early stages of isolation begin to feel like a perceived preference for the individual but actually evolves into masked emotion, revealing itself as social and or emotional isolation. During this period of isolation, the stress hormones and tension fester and the individual continues to seek relief in a new pattern absent of other people but full of available objects.

Sue Johnson, in Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, writes, “Louise Hawkley, of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, calculates that loneliness raises blood pressure to the point where the risk of heart attack and stroke is doubled.”

Seeking stimulus: When the body seeks stimulus, it attempts to duplicate the attunement of the attachment cycle. However, without other people to attune to, the individual turns to objects. More specifically, objects that stimulate or numb. The individual might start watching too much TV, or eating too much, using drugs or looking at pornography. Before long, the behavior becomes repetitive and compulsive.

Acting out: Once the behavior becomes compulsive, addicts find themselves lost in cycles of binging on pornography, drugs, gambling, or other compulsive behaviors. The behavior works quickly and repeatedly. It also provides the illusion of escape and the presence of pleasure. This pattern is destructively temporary. Once the high is gone and the rush has subsided, the addict is faced with the tension that triggered the initial cycle. No, however, the the tension is made worse with the additional stress of managing and coping with addiction. The brain is overstimulated and major psychological changes are occurring in the brain.

Philip Flores, Ph.D., in Addiction as an Attachment Disorder, writes, “Because of a person’s difficulty maintaining emotional closeness with others, certain vulnerable individuals more likely to substitute a vast array of obsessive-compulsive behaviors (e.g., sex, food, drugs, alcohol, work, gambling, computer games, etc.) that serve as a distraction on the gnawing emptiness and internal discomfort that threatens to overtake them.”

Emotional frailty: Faced with tension and feeling overwhelmed with addiction cycle, the addict feels emotionally frail. The addict becomes irritable and frustrated. The body has rejected the addiction cycle and is attempting to follow the attachment pattern it is designed to use. However the addict is substituting objects for people, so the attachment pattern is flawed. The process erodes the secure base and the addict loses confidence as they continually rely on a compulsive behavior.

Ultimately this process erodes the secure base that develops over time when the attachment system functions effectively. Confidence is lost in the reliance on the compulsive behavior.

Sue Johnson writes,

“When love doesn’t work, we hurt. Indeed, “hurt feelings” is a precisely accurate phrase, according to psychologist Naomi Eisenberger of the University of California. Her brain imaging studies show that rejection and exclusion trigger the same circuits in the same part of the brain, the anterior cingulate, as physical pain.”

REPAIRING THE ATTACHMENT CYCLE

What do I need now? In order to repair the attachment cycle, you must learn or relearn how to attune with others in order to emotionally regulate the tension the addiction produces. You will want to learn how to feel and recognize attachment that comes from a connected emotional experience. This will produce feelings of being calm and internal peace.

If you have been frustrated with your pornography/sex addiction and have worked for years to manage your behavior only to be unsuccessful over and over again, know that there is a path that restores connection, emotional regulation, and eventually self-regulation and sobriety. This path is available through relearning how to attach in healthy ways to others.

Much like a healthy mother-infant relationship, you will want to learn how healthy touch, emotional expression, eye contact, vocal communication, and positive social behavior can heal your attachment wounds. This will enable you to turn to relationships rather than your addiction.

For example, when you learn to share difficulties with others who will value you, you are being vulnerable by expressing your emotions. When you reach out you refute and fight against old cycles of isolation. When you look into the eyes of a loved one and express your love for them, you discover a deep and authentic feeling of love that you may not have experienced earlier in life. Through these actions and more, you will find relief by creating meaningful connections and attunement. As you learn to attune to self and others, your addictive habits will be diminished and you will gain confidence in your ability to recover.

The Six Key Elements that Form a Sex/Porn Addiction

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 22:45:35 GMT

INTRODUCTION

Pornography and sex addictions come in all forms and affects all types of people. And, while each person struggling with an addiction has walked a different path to addiction, there are similar elements within each story. Identifying and understanding these key elements can help you begin to understand more about the complex nature of sexual addiction.

ELEMENT #1: EXPOSURE AT A YOUNG AGE

VIDEO: DR. KEVIN SKINNER DISCUSSING HOW A SEXUAL ADDICTION IS FORMED (1:16)

Pornography addictions often begin at a young age and in many cases, the younger the addiction starts, the deeper it becomes. In my experience, most cases of addiction to pornography actually started between ages 10 and 14. The problem is that addiction starts with exposure and children are exposed to pornography in a variety of settings. At a friends house, an older brothers magazine, parents DVD, R-rated movies, Victoria's Secret catalogues, email pop-ups - they all arouse curiosity connected to arousal. It is becoming easier and easier for children to come across pornography in their everyday lives.

If left unchecked, this combination will lead to intentional exposure and eventual addiction because young children, tweens and teens don’t understand how to process the images that are creating the feelings.

In today’s world, we are constantly being exposed to sexual images and innuendos whether we realize it consciously or not, and children are no different. They are being forced to deal with images and the feelings they elicit long before they should be and long before they possess the wherewithal to process them. One researcher identified that 1 in 4 children who use the internet is exposed to unwanted sexual material.

Exposure to pornographic images and sexualized content is not limited to the internet alone, but can be found in almost every aspect of our everyday life - television, billboards, movies and with this constant onslaught we, as a society, become desensitized. This can be detrimental to children and teenagers and they are exposed to material before they can fully understand the nature of the content they are viewing. A teenageer caught up in thecuriosityofviewing pornographymaynotunderstandthisbehaviorcanleadtoan addiction. He or she does not realize these images are not reality and a disconnect begins to form in their abilities to form relationships.

These children lack someone in their life that can give them a reality check by explaining the context of what they are seeing. Even when parental involvement is high many kids will not want to discuss how their curiosity has now become a regular habit and developed into an addiction. Consequently, most children keep their secret inside as the addiction develops. For years, they fear that if someone finds out they will be punished, cast-out, rejected, made fun of, or otherwise castigated.

ELEMENT #2: CONTROLLING OR DISENGAGED PARENTS

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Parenting plays an influential role in the likelihood of a child developing a pornography addiction. Specifically when it falls into one of two extreme types of parenting, disengaged or controlling. Parents and caretakers play a critical part in a child’s ability to cope with stress and accurately process the world around them.

First, disengaged parenting is where the parents are disinterested in their children or when they are dealing with their own issues that usurp all their time and energy, leaving the child to teach and raise themselves. Often this less active form of parenting leaves critical development phases to “the world” as a means of turning their child to an adult.

In some cases, the parents feel like they are doing their children a service, for example, by providing them opportunities for a ‘right of passage.’ Some parents go so far as to encourage exposure to elicit images as a proper way to relieve stress. The reality is those actions actually reinforce a behavior of coping with stress by looking at material that stimulates the brain. The chemical brain stimulation then reinforces the connection between the action and a momentary feeling of pleasure.

The second type of parenting that can facilitate a pornography addiction is strict, controlling parenting. Controlling parents often use shame and guilt as a way to teach their children, causing them to feel rejected. It may not be recognized as shaming, but constant negative reinforcement of behavior or constant critique of current behavior, even when well intentioned is a form of control and shame.

Children who grow up with addictions often talk about how they never felt good enough, or never felt like they were living up to their parents expectations. This constant feeling of low self worth creates an emotional gap some children use pornography to fill. If they do not feel a positive emotional connection to their parents, they look to other means to fill that hole. To help heal this rejection, children look for ways to comfort themselves, often finding unhealthy coping mechanisms, especially if they have already been exposed to pornography.

It is with relative certainty that a child exposed to pornography at an early age, who then doesn’t develop proper coping skills, will turn to pornography to relieve stress in difficult emotional situations. Parenting style and awareness play crucial roles in pornography addiction. It is critically important that parents learn how to teach their children to properly deal with stress and have healthy coping mechanisms.

ELEMENT #3: LONELINESS OR ISOLATION

Loneliness is often referenced as a reason or driver of viewing pornography. Lack of interacting with others can drive the individual to pornography as a way to heal the loneliness. Many people suffer from social anxiety, making them feel nervous or inadequate while in social situations and pornography can bring relief and escape from this stress. This is especially true if the individual is single and has no current hope for finding a relationship. Often the mantra is, “Why try? No one would ever want me anyway.”

Feeling inadequate about your ability to form and develop meaningful relationships puts you at a higher risk for seeking pornography as a means of forming a faux relationship that only temporarily relieves the emotional pain an individual feels. Ironically, viewing pornography is a way of forming a false vicarious relationship that deepen the feelings of isolation because the relationships are with images and illusions.

Feeling intimidation around relationships or inadequacy interacting with others centers around a fear of rejection. Fortunately if identified and steps are taken to help, any individual can overcome social anxiety and develop the necessary social skills to develop healthy relationships.

While these feelings of inadequacy and intimidation can often drive an individual to pornography, a pornography addiction also increases and sustains these feelings. The relationship an individual may feel with the images on the screen increases their isolation with the real world and prevents them from creating or strengthening relationships with those around them. Others feel ashamed of their addiction causing them to further isolate themselves from friends and family, thus creating a vicious cycle.

Isolation, even under the best of parenting or child care circumstances, can still lead to addiction. Being alone with too little to do and not enough supervision can lead to an innocent curiosity and if unchecked this curiosity will develop into an addiction. Children left unprepared to handle these feelings and images typically keep their behavior a secret. As the months and years slip by the complication of addiction grows.

ELEMENT #4: MODEL OF UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Without an example of healthy relationships growing up, it can be difficult for an individual who is addicted to pornography to form healthy relationship ideals. Without a proper example of how a woman should be treated, it can be hard to form a healthy relationship because so much of what we expect emotionally, physically and intellectually is formed by what we see around us.

Some children grow up with very sexualized examples of male-female relationships. When the adults around them are continually involved in sexual acts in plain view or are continually talking about or making references to sex this forms an expectation of normalcy in the child. Even if the child is seeing these interactions on television, if the example of male female relationships is continually covered in sexual innuendo the child will assume that to be normal and healthy behavior.

In overly sexualized homes, children are exposed to sexual behaviors they do not comprehend. This can lead to the development of sex as a replacement for love in relationships because the act of sex has such a strong priority. This perception can lead to one unhealthy relationship after another as individuals seek emotional fulfilment from physical actions.

Pornography fundamentally alters the way an individual approaches and seeks fulfillment from a relationship. Relationships tend to be looked at as only a sexual experience and while that is initially exciting, built on a weak foundation these relationships will eventually crumble. When the other areas of a relationship are not developed, the relationship will eventually disintegrate.

Pornography can also create unrealistic relationship expectations both physically and sexually as the images and actions that are being shown are unattainable. Sex is the focus of all relationships in pornography, distorting the truth about how real relationships actually are and what they should be built around.

ELEMENT # 5: NEGATIVE SOCIAL SYSTEM

Sex is everywhere in our society and currently there is little, if any, regulation in the media. Children should be carefully guarded from pornography, but, in today’s society children are often the target audience for advertisements centered around sexual expression.

Because of the power inherent in provocative advertisements all demographics are actively targeted with sexually based ads. But exposure doesn’t stop there. For example, 75% of prime time television in the 99-00 season included sexual content. Cultural norms teach society what behavior is and isn’t appropriate, regardless of what the consequences are.

While society ignores the problem, pornography and sex addiction rates reach new heights each year.

Sex sells in our society and with the amount of money that is generated each year, there are no signs of it stopping. With this emphasis on sex, pornography and sexual addictions will continue to grow each year. If this negative social system is left unchecked, pornography will erode our society right before our eyes.

ELEMENT #6: EARLY SEXUAL EXPERIENCE

It is not uncommon for children to be exposed to sexual experiences at an early age, whether it is by the hand of an adult or another child. Any sexual experience that a child is exposed to is premature for their mind and they are unable to make sense or understand the meaning of that experience. Because they are not able to properly process the experience, they can become fixated on the thoughts and feelings that the experience caused. Their mind can become stunted on those sexual feelings as they try to understand them.

Evidence has shown that our genes can be altered, and when children are exposed to sexual experiences at an early age, their genes can be altered to become focused on sexual stimulation. When pornography is viewed by a child who has had a sexual experience, the stimulation they felt during those experiences is brought back to life and can create more confusion as the child tries to figure out those feelings of excitement or arousal. That confusion can lead to exploration or visualization of images that cause those feelings again.

The Power of Journaling

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 22:32:50 GMT

INTRODUCTION

A few years ago I had a client call me during an anxiety attack. I took the call because I knew that she was in a lot of emotional pain. Unfortunately, I only had a few minutes before my next client would arrive. I quickly assessed her emotional state and how to proceed. The thought that came to my mind in that moment was, "I don't have enough time to help her navigate through this difficult issue. What is the next best alternative?" I knew that she didn't have family or social support that could respond quickly to her need, so that wasn't an option. At that point I suggested that she take out of piece of paper and write down the conversation with her dad that triggered her emotional pain. I invited her to write all of the things that came to her mind. In particular, I wanted her to focus on what the emotional pain she felt from her conversation with her father and then I wanted her to identify what she wanted to say to him. I asked her if she could complete that assignment

and then call me back in two hours. She agreed and we hung up phone.

When she called me back I didn't know what to expect. If I had been asked to guess what emotional state she would be in when she called, I would have guessed that she would have still been upset and hurt. Instead, I was surprised by the clarity and conviction that she held in her voice. She described writing about the argument that she had had with her father. During her writing experience she somehow managed to shift her internal pain to what her father was feeling and thinking. She started seeing things from his perspective. Then she described to me the conversation that she wanted to have with her father. She had written down her key points. She then, in an emotionally calm voice said, "I am going to talk with my father this evening." At this point, I was stunned. During that afternoon her writing had helped her understand her own pain, her father's perspective, and what conversation she needed to have with him. That phone conversation was about five minutes long. It was the best therapy I never did.

I have thought a lot about the experience I had with my client. I have wondered why taking time to write down her thoughts and feelings changed her emotional state. What was happening in her mind? After this experience I began reviewing research literature about journaling. I was surprised to discover that for more than 30 years, clinicians have been studying the outcomes of expressive writing (journaling). I soon discovered that my client's experience was not unique at all. In fact, researchers have found that journaling can reduce common emotional issues like depression and anxiety (Baikie & Wilhelm, 2005). What is even more impressive is that journaling can improve your physical health as well (Pennebaker, Kiecolt- Glaser, & Glaser, 1988). Journaling has also been found to be an effective tool to use after a job loss (Spera, Buhrfiend, & Pennebaker, 1994), after trauma (Greenberg, Wortman, & Stone, 1996), and after a relationship break-up (Lepore & Greenberg, 2002). The supporting evidence surrounding journaling is clear. Obviously not

everyone will experience the same benefits from journaling, but the research indicates that many who journal benefit emotionally and physically.

WHY JOURNALING CAN HELP

In my research it became clear that journaling was effective, but I began to wonder why it was helpful to so many people. While there is no exact answer, many of the researchers have offered their suggestions. For example, Dr. James Pennebaker, one of the leading researchers in this area, found that many people suppress or inhibit their expression of emotions, which triggers negative emotional and physical consequences. What is especially interesting about Dr. Pennebakers' research is that inhibition of positive emotions also created health problems (Pennebaker, 1990). The general idea is that when individuals suppress emotions, either positive or negative, it takes a negative toll on the body and the mind. On the other hand, when individuals learn how to express their emotions in meaningful ways, they benefit physically and emotionally.

Consider the emotional shift in the client that I mentioned in the introduction. When she slowed her

mind down and put her experience on paper, her emotional state of mind changed. As she expressed her frustration regarding the argument she had had with her father, she was able to clarify her own pain and hurt. This expression of emotions via journaling calmed her agitated mind. It also allowed her to consider how her father was feeling. This was a seemingly unintended positive consequence of her journaling.

It truly is a significant finding that expressing emotions through journaling can improve your physical health. I have thought a lot about the idea of suppressing a stressful event and have come to believe that these findings should be highlighted and put in bold letters that read something like this, " SUPPRESSING YOUR EMOTIONS WILL MAKE YOU PHYSICALLY SICK" or "EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION WILL IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING. "

JOURNALING: WHO, HOW, AND WHEN IT HELPS

VIDEO: WRITING FOR HAPPINESS, A COURSE FOUND ON BLOOM

Since journaling has been found to be effective, many researchers have started asking deeper questions like, "Who benefits the most from journaling?", "When is the best time to journal?", "Can journaling be an aid to therapy?", "Are there side effects or potential negative outcomes associated with journaling?" and "Are there ways or methods that can make journaling more effective?" The final part of this article will address these questions.

Question: Who benefits the most from journaling?

Answer: Journaling can help almost anyone. However, for some groups it may be more beneficial than others. For example, it has been found to be especially effective for individuals who struggle to express themselves emotionally. Those who are shy by nature find that journaling is an

effective way to express themselves without being forced to confide in someone they may not know. Another group of individuals who benefit from writing are those who are trying to make sense of a difficult experience or trauma. Sometimes it is journaling that is the first step to dealing with issues that have been plaguing them their entire life. Along this same line of thinking Kate Thompson wrote, "Writing can express material which is previously unexpressed or access previously inaccessible material, allowing it to come to the

surface" (Thompson, 2004). Journaling also helps groups of individuals who may not have someone to talk with about their problems (e.g., military personal, individuals living in rural settings, people who feel alone or who have no current close relationships).

Question: When is the best time to journal?

Answer: Journaling can be done at any time of the day or night. In fact, this may be one of the most beneficial elements of journaling. A journal has been described as "an immediate accessible container available at any time, not dependent on the presence of others. It is available when no one else is, at 3 a.m., in the middle of a panic attack" (Thompson, 2004). This is what happened to the client I referred to earlier. I was not available and at the time when she needed me the most. Her ability to turn to paper and write down her painful experience was therapeutic to her.

The National Center for PTSD and other researchers have found that the earlier a difficult or traumatic experience is "dealt with" the less likely the person is to experience long-term emotional issues (Department of Veterans Affairs, 2007) (Levin, 2007). Based on these findings, journaling may be one of the first lines of defense for individuals who have no one to talk to or who, for security reasons, cannot talk about what they have experienced. A good rule of thumb regarding when to journal is this: if you are experiencing something that is stirring up a lot of emotions inside of you, it is a good time to write down what you are feeling and thinking.

Question: Can journaling be an aid to therapy?

Answer: In my personal experience I have found that clients who write down their thoughts and emotions outside of therapy come to therapy more prepared to discuss their progress and what they have learned. My experience with my client is just one of many examples of how journaling can assist my clients and it is a valuable tool that clients can use outside of my office. Furthermore, when I give clients specific writing assignments based on our sessions they make additional progress between our sessions. I have discovered that clients who journal often move through therapy faster than those who don't write.

Question: Are there side effects or potential negative outcomes associated with journaling?

Answer: This is a very good question. The answer is yes there are potential side effects of journaling. Journaling can stir up many emotions, especially when dealing hurtful and painful experiences from the past. Some individuals can trigger memories that are so painful that they don't know how to stop the negative feelings. Consequently, any time a person writes or attempts to deal with mental health related issues, they need to make sure that they have someone who can assist them if necessary.

Dr. James Pennebaker has found in his writing exercise, which consists of writing for 20 minutes a day for four days in a row, that this process can initially elevate stress levels and trigger higher levels of emotional pain. Fortunately, his research shows that individuals who are willing to go through the initial pain of bringing up traumatic memories in their journaling exercise are less depressed and have better physical health scores a few months later (Pennebaker, 1990). When a person stirs up the emotions from the past, it can initially create added stress. However, by addressing the issue through journaling the issue somehow loses its power and the individual reaps the reward of better emotional and physical health.

Question: Are there ways or methods that can make journaling more effective?

Answer: There are certain types of journaling that are more effective than others. Researchers have found that writing about neutral events (e.g., the weather) does not have the powerful effect that writing about how one feels about an event or earlier life experience does. Dr. Pennebaker's work with various groups clearly demonstrates that individuals who open up and disclose emotional pain make greater progress over time. Here's an example of two different approaches to addressing the journal entry topic: "Tell us about your day." In one example, you will see a neutral response that offers little insight into how this person felt about the day. In the second example, you will see someone who opened up and disclosed her deeper emotions.

Example #1: Today we went to the park and had a picnic with my mom and step-father. We played with the Frisbee and went for a short walk. When we were done at the park we went out for ice cream. Got home late and put the kids to bed. It was a busy day.

Example #2: Today we met mom and her husband (Tom) at the park for a picnic. This is an experience that I don't enjoy as much as I used to. I am still hurt by my mom's decision to marry Tom. I felt like she has ignored us kids since their marriage and when we attend activities like this, I think it is just for show. I don't think her heart is into being a grandmother. It hurts to say this and maybe I am being too sensitive, but that is how I feel about the way things are with my mother right now. I don't like feeling this way. I want to have a better relationship with her, but I don't know where to begin. It seems like I don't ever get the chance to just talk with her alone. Even if I could talk with her alone, I don't know that I trust her enough to tell her how I feel.

According to research what would be the outcome of these two examples? In the first example, a neutral response to the writing topic would not be beneficial emotionally or physically. In fact, if there were negative, suppressed emotions about this experience it could actually have a negative impact on this person's life. In the second example you will notice an open disclosure of frustration, hurt, and pain. This is the type of open disclosure that helps a person make sense of what they are feeling and it helps in the healing process.

CONCLUSION

Journaling can be a powerful tool that can be used in dealing with difficult emotions and traumatic experiences. Those who participate in it are more likely to reduce symptoms

associated with depression and anxiety. They are also likely to have better physical health. The only caution about journaling is that when you are journaling about difficult issues, you may initially experience more emotional pain. However, over time the openness of disclosure will provide health benefits.

So what will you be journaling about?

REFERENCES

Baikie, K. A., & Wilhelm, K. (2005). Emotional and physical health benefits of expressive writing. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 11, 338-346.
Pennebaker, J. W., Kiecolt-Glaser, J., & Glaser, R. (1988). Disclosure of traumas and immune function: Health implications for psychotherapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 56, 239-245.
Spera, S. P., Buhrfiend, E. D. & Pennebaker, J. W. (1994). Expressive writing and coping with job loss. Academy of Management Journal, 37, 722-733.
Greenberg, M. A., Wortman, C. B. & Stone, A. A. (1996). Emotional expression and physical health. Revising traumatic memories or fostering self-regulation? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71, 588-602.
Lepore, S. J. & Greenberg, M. A. (2002). Mending broken hearts: Effects of expressive writing on mood, cognitive processing, social adjustment and health following a relationship breakup. Psychology and Health, 17, 547-560.
Pennebaker, J. W. (1990). Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions. Guilford Press. New York: New York.
Thompson, K. (2004). Journal Writing as a Therapeutic Tool. In G. Bolton, S. Howlett, & C. Lago, J. K. Wright (Eds.), Writing Cures: An Introductory Handbook of Writing in Counselling and Psychotherapy (pp. 72-84. Publisher: Brunner-Routledge. New York: New York.
Pennebaker, J. W. (1990). Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions. Guilford Press. New York: New York.

What is pornography addiction?

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 17:57:26 GMT

INTRODUCTION

Are you reading this because you know you have an addiction?

Because you’d like to believe you don’t have an addiction?

Are you concerned a spouse or loved one has an addiction?

Many people don’t realize they are addicted until there is either a consequence associated with their behavior (i.e. someone discovers pornography on their cell phone). Or they try to stop the behavior, and realize they are unable to do so on their own. No matter what the scenario is, being completely honest with yourself and those around you is critical to overcoming addiction.

Regardless of the reason you chose to read this material, our goal is to help you identify what an addiction to pornography looks like. This is not meant to be used as a detectives guide for forcing someone to admit their addiction. Shaming someone into behavior change never succeeds in helping them stop the behavior over the long term. This information is only meant to help you identify what an addiction to pornography looks like so you can better determine what level of help you need to seek.

Are you concerned about the severity of your porn use? Take our free Porn Addiction Test here .

MINIMIZING THE PROBLEM

Our natural, human response when taking accountability for bad behavior is to minimize it. We believe if we can make the offense sound less serious it somehow relieves us of the burden to change. We think that it might reduce the negative reactions others will have and reduce any potential consequences. As a result, most individuals with an addiction to pornography deceive themselves into thinking the problem is not as bad as it really is, and worse, they deceive those around them into thinking everything is okay.

This principle is best showcased by the experience one of my clients had several years ago. When she came to my office, she declared emphatically that her husband had a pornography addiction problem. She had tried for years to get him to seek help and at times he agreed, but he successfully convinced previous therapists that he was only viewing it once every few months, and therefore it was not a big deal. Those therapists didn’t ask any follow up questions, never looked at any further underlying issues and were eventually convinced the behavior was not an issue.

By the time the couple made it to my office, the husband had finally admitted to having affairs and spending time at strip clubs. Pornography was only one symptom of much deeper rooted sexual issues. Those issues were not addressed in therapy because the husband was successfully minimizing his addiction.

WHAT DOES ADDICTION LOOK LIKE?

VIDEO: DR. SKINNER EXPLAINING HOW A SEXUAL ADDICTION IS FORMED (1:16)

Our purpose here is to help you take an honest look at your behavior because only a real and honest look through self-evaluation can begin the healing process.

David Viscott’s statement, “If you lived honestly your life would heal itself,” is something you must live by if you want to begin to successfully progress through the recovery process. Since minimizing the behavior is such a common practice for those facing pornography addiction, in addition to discounting the impact of these behaviors and how they affect others, the focus of the following section is to gain self-awareness into your involvement with pornography.

Here is a list for you to consider as you think about your circumstance:

When the urge comes, despite your best efforts, you cannot resist it and eventually view it.
You spend more time than you originally anticipated viewing pornography.
You formulate plans to stop, but are consistently unable to do it.
The amount of time you are spending obtaining and viewing pornography or being
sexual through masturbation, with another person, or object.
You’re constantly preoccupied with sexual fantasy, thoughts, or preparatory activities.
Viewing pornography takes significant time away from other obligations with your job,
school, family, friends, church, etc.
Even after the consequences of your pornography use are made clear, you continue
participating in the behavior.
More and more time and different or new images are necessary for you to achieve arousal or the desired result.
You’re deliberately reducing the time you spend with your spouse, at your work, helping out at home, etc. to make time for pornography viewing.

You experience any of the following symptoms if you crave an orgasm, but cannot achieve it:

dizziness
body aches
headaches
sleeplessness
restlessness
anxiety
mood swings
depression

Since pornography addiction parallels sexual addiction, a minimum of 3 of the above 10 are needed for an addiction to be present. However, that is not always the case because human behavior is much closer to a pendulum than a constant point. Addictive behavior exists on a continuum - meaning that a person can progress through various degrees of addiction. For this reason, it is absolutely critical to honestly evaluate where you currently are and where you have been on the 7 levels of pornography addiction.

If at any time while reading this guide, you’ve felt the desire to change your current behavior, if your mind is telling you that you need to

change or things will get worse, if you’ve felt like you can handle your current behavior, I implore you to enroll at no cost in our course Foundational Tools for Recovery. Recovery starts when you can honestly evaluate what you are telling yourself and act with courage to start a path to healing.

IS RECOVERY FROM PORN ADDICTION POSSIBLE?

VIDEO BY ROB WEISS LCSW , CSAT-S , VIA OUR SISTER COMPANY: BLOOM

CLICK HERE FOR MORE COURSES FROM BLOOM

How Sexual Betrayal Relates to PTSD

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 16:22:09 GMT

In this interview, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Dallin Bruun discuss how sexual betrayal trauma relates to PTSD

What is trauma?

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 16:17:18 GMT

In this interview, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Dallin Bruun discuss trauma symptoms.

How Mindfulness Helps Trauma

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 16:13:32 GMT

In this interview, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Dallin Bruun discuss how mindfulness can help with trauma.

What are the best practices for mindfulness and trauma?

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 16:07:58 GMT

In this interview, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Dallin Bruun discuss how to best implement mindfulness to help overcome trauma.

How to Not be Afraid to Love

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:58:57 GMT

In this four part series, Brett Williams, LMFT and 20 year relationship expert will teach you how you can overcome the fear of loving others. In his four part course, you'll learn:

Control
The connection between love and pain. Have you ever noticed that the more you love, the more vulnerable you feel, therefore making loving others scary?
How to love yourself
How to love others, even when it's dangerous

PART1: CONTROL

PART 2: LOVE VS SAFETY

PART 3: WHAT IS LOVE?

PART 4: THE LOVING KINDNESS MEDITATION

Choosing Your Partner and Loving Your Choice

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:43:04 GMT

In the beginning most people marry because of an intense attachment of love. However, over time, the intensity or “honeymoon” phase of a marriage can wear off, bringing additional challenges.

To maintain a healthy relationship, each couple needs to move into the next phase, the healthy attachment phase.

Unfortunately, many couples find this transition difficult.

Led by Angel Adams, a Certified Family Educator, enjoy a discussion around the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM). In her presentation, Angel will show that there’s logic to love! She will directly address the emotional bonding needs that help create strong relationship, safe and healthy relational attachment.

In this class you’ll learn:

The RAM, including the five most basic needs of human attachment
How the RAM works for those seeking an improved attachment in their relationships
How to put the RAM in action in your own life

Your understanding of the RAM will allow you the opportunity to securely attach in each bonding process; know, trust, commit, rely and touch. In addition, when choosing or re-choosing a partner the RAM will teach you to evaluate your relationship as the bonding is taking place to form a safe and healthy attachment of love.

The Five Love Languages

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:37:32 GMT

Included is the video presentation given by our very own Rachel Augustus and Jenae Lindsey, in front of a live audience, teaching:

The Five Love Languages

Based off of Dr. Gary Chapman's book, the New York Times best seller, The Five Love Languages, our very own Rachel August and Jenae Lindsey discuss the different ways people communicate with their partners, taking the mystery out of what our significant other really wants and expects from us.

What to do when my spouse has relapsed?

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:33:16 GMT

Dr. Skinner answers the question: What to do when my spouse has relapsed?

What do I do when my addict husband doesn't believe that I love him?

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:26:28 GMT

Dr. Skinner answers the question: What do I do when my addict husband doesn't believe that I love him?

Overcoming our Weaknesses as Parents

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:17:55 GMT

For many, if you don’t give birth to your biggest test in this life, you likely married it. For some, you’ve had both.

In this class, David Thompson, expertly teaches how we can overcome our weaknesses as parents.

From Sad to Stoked: Learning How to Change Your Emotional State

Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:05:15 GMT

Did you know that your emotions dictate your decisions? It's true!

In this course taught by Sam Tielemans, you'll learn how to make better decisions by changing your emotions and removing the blocks preventing you from living an extraordinary life.

How You Can Parent to Create Strong, Resilient Kids

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 21:08:31 GMT

In this class, Caitlin and Rachel will teach you the most effective strategies for raising a resilient generation through their personal experiences in their offices and at home.

> CLICK HERE FOR THE ACCOMPANYING HANDOUT

Improve Your Life Through Communication: the Link Between Words and Emotions

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 20:49:42 GMT

Our experiences are limited by our language.

In this 50 minute presentation in front of a live audience, David Thompson expertly teaches the important link between communication and emotions and how to better express our emotions using words.

By learning how to express our emotions using words, we can improve the way we experience all aspects of life.

The Opposite of Addiction is Connection

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 20:45:20 GMT

In this 50 minute presentation in front of hundreds of people, Tyler Patrick teaches that sobriety alone is not the ultimate goal for recovering from addiction! In order for lasting success to happen in recovery it is vital that a change in lifestyle based on principles of connection begin to take shape. This presentation will teach practical tools to help foster principles of self-compassion, mindful living, and authentic connection with others.

The Science of Addiction

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 20:41:46 GMT

Brannon Patrick, LCSW, CSAT provides parents with an essential formula in raising children to avoid pornography addiction.

This course is about 38 minutes in length. Make sure you give yourself enough time to see it all the way through.

Preventing Pornography Addiction: Five Essential Steps

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 20:37:58 GMT

Accountability: An Essential Requirement in Addiction Recovery

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 20:25:36 GMT

Our research shows that correct accountability is essential to recovery. In this series we will teach you the what, why and how of correct accountability in recovery.

Before we begin, Coby found recovery and credits his success in large part due to his accountability team. Here's his story:

PART 1: FIVE PRINCIPLES BEHIND REAL RECOVERY

PART 2: FIVE WAYS TO BUILD RECOVERY CAPITAL

PART 3: WHAT DOES ACCOUNTABILITY HAVE TO DO WITH RECOVERY?

PART 4: FLYING SOLO VS HAVING A WINGMAN

PART 5: SEVEN STEPS TO EFFECTIVE ACCOUNTABILITY

PART 6: THE ROLE OF ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNERS

THE FULL PRESENTATION

How can mindfulness mediate addiction?

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 19:29:06 GMT

Video Transcription 

Speaking from my own experience with mindfulness , it is really interesting, we've classified some of these addictions, and usually, we're focusing on the ones that are the most detrimental to our life, for example, drugs and alcohol, gambling, and such. When you begin to really examine your life, especially the inner workings of your thoughts and your emotions, and this is mindfulness.

I was quite shocked at how it seems very natural for the brain to create these reactive patterns internally, and they're mostly unconscious. Something may end up turning into alcoholism, but really you can just be slightly irritated somewhere, and the mind has a whole pattern of how to cope with that internally that you can be totally unaware of. And suddenly you're angry at your loved ones, or the world and you're not really understanding why, but as you watch it's just scientifically the way our bodies cope with stress. It creates these automated coping mechanisms that say “Oh that works, let's keep doing that, let's keep doing that.”

With mindfulness, you can begin watching. You have the tip of the iceberg you can begin to come way down to the sublevel and say “Oh that certain situation that I'm in I feel it creating a little stress down here” and then “Oh, now it's triggering that thought, and that thought is giving me the impulse for that behavior.” You can sit and watch the whole thing, and it creates this distance, this observational bubble that you can put around. It gives you another option, rather than becoming almost option-less, or becoming enslaved to the reaction of these internal reactionary patterns.

How is practicing mindfulness like being a buffalo?

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 17:25:08 GMT

Video Transcription

Interviewer: “Dr. Skinner there are two metaphors that you used, the Buffalo and then the wave. I don't know if you want to tell that story, the Buffalo story, in brief? I think those two examples really explain this concept very well.”

Dr. Skinner: “One of the things that I'll share is the Buffalo story. They talk about on the plains of Colorado where you have the cows and the Buffaloes, they share the same plane. When the storms come over the hills, the Southwest Hills, the buffalo and the cows respond in very different ways.

The cows typically move away from the storm, or attempt to move away from storm, and the storm will come. As it passes them, they are just exposing themselves longer and longer to the storm. I think that's what happens when we have emotions and we want to run from them or we don't want to feel them. We turn to maybe an addictive habit or something that's unhealthy because we're trying to get away from this uncomfortable feeling that Dallin was just talking about.

In contrast, they say the Buffaloes do one of two things. They get together and they'll just stand there and face the storm. They say ‘Here's a storm, here it comes.’ Some buffaloes actually charge Into the storm. They say ‘Here's this feeling, here’s this thing, and oh man this is an intense experience, I'm with it.’”

Interviewer: “And then the wave? When a wave is coming, what is our natural tendency? It’s to turn and it knocks us over.”

Dr. Skinner: “We're just going to go into it. The reason you want to do that the force going that direction, metaphorically and literally, if you try to fight against that compulsive drive you don't win. It's going to push you back. Turning and maybe even going under it, which is a very big part of mindfulness, is going deeper into the emotion, it really is beneficial.”

Alan and Rebecca's Recovery Story

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:57:55 GMT

Alan and Rebecca open up about their story of betrayal, redemption, forgiveness and love.

Video Transcription

Alan: “I am Alan, this is Rebecca, and we've been married for 15 years, and we have two beautiful twin girls that are six years old. They keep us on our toes all the time.”

Rebecca: “They’re our miracle babies. We decided about year to marriage that we wanted to have kids. Or maybe I just decided, where you in on that?”

Alan: “I was included, yes.”

Rebecca: “But it took us 9 years to get them, so we try really hard not to indulge them, but we really love them and they're the only babies we get.”

Alan: “They are absolutely spoiled rotten.”

Rebecca: “[Alan and I] ran into each other my first semester of college, and we didn't really know each other, but our families are both from the same town. Our parents knew each other, and our brothers and sisters knew each other, and we recognized each other as being part of the families that we were from.

We ran into each other at an Institute of Religion class in the hallway. Alan snuck up behind me, grabbed me, hugged me, and gave me beard burn on my face. I was like, ‘Who is this crazy person?!’ After that we introduced ourselves.”

Alan: “She didn’t like me at all.”

Rebecca: “He wore cowboy boots. I hadn't really seen any great examples of happily married people, so I just thought there aren’t really any men out there. I'll just go and get my doctorate degree and if, by chance, I found a guy who was great then I'd think about it.

We went on a road trip to Utah while we were dating. I had grown up in this chaotic, violent household. I was always waiting for my dad to erupt and I never knew when he would. On this road trip up to Utah, the trunk was packed with stuff, I don't remember where we were driving...”

Alan: “We drove a very small, small vehicle, a lot of stuff was packed in there.”

Rebecca: “We got a flat tire and I got really nervous because in my family there would have been a lot of swearing, and blaming, and it would have been a terrible experience. Then Alan says ‘Okay, let's change the tire!’ He got out and unpacked the trunk. He was singing a song, changed the tire, and we went on. That was totally foreign to my experience of car trouble. I thought ‘Well there is something really special about this guy who can change a tire without freaking out and having steam come out of his ears.’”

Alan: “Pretty much from about the time that our children were born, and I think this is common to just about anyone who has kids, and if they have twins or multiple children, it's just magnified, life gets really hard when you add those extra ingredients. There’s so many more demands on your time. I think that is when our relationship first started to really experience trials and difficulties that were trying for us. That is also the same time when we down the road leading to recovery. That was definitely the hardest part of our marriage, I think. Through it all, I've always felt in love with Rebecca. I've never lost the love that I had for her. It was always something that I was willing to fight for and keep. Even in the hardest moments, the most down times in my life, I wanted to be with her. I wanted to make it work, whatever it would take. I know at least for me I never fell out of love.”

Rebecca: “I’ve learned so much about love. My whole perspective of what love is has changed. [I used to think] that it didn't matter what we have, or what we're doing, all we needed was each other. We could be happy. We could go live in Sub-Saharan Africa and if we had each other that it would be awesome!

Then through this trial, through this hell of discovery of addiction, and of the shattering of my idea of what my life was, I was able to see that even when I didn't have a lot of love for Alan, or I didn't believe that he loved me, I learned a new definition of love. I learned a new idea of love, because he was willing, from the beginning, to do what I asked him to do.

I was pretty mean, and I was pretty up-front, and I was pretty pushy because I was so scared for myself and for my little girls. I said ‘This is what we're doing. We're going to intensive therapy. We're going to meetings, and you are calling the bishop right now.’ I really pushed, but he let me do that, he was willing to do whatever I asked him to do.

Then, as he gained some tools from counseling that helped him to stay calm with me and to not be defensive, I could see that it was such an effort for him. I could see the effort that he was making that he had really put his whole heart into recovery. I didn't feel the love coming from me or coming from him, but I could see his effort. Even using the script that his counselor gave him, though the words weren’t that comforting, [I could] see that he was really putting forth the effort. I could see that he was trying not to be defensive. I could see that he was really trying to listen. Now my definition of Love encompasses all of that, it encompasses the effort.

Now we're finally at the hard work. I think a lot of couples learn that in the first couple of years of marriage, that marriage is hard work and compromise and sacrifice. I never had that experience because marriage was fun and awesome. We didn't have to sacrifice. Now through this, I have learned that piece, and how powerful just choosing to be in love, choosing to love your spouse is.”

Alan: “I remember sitting in [addicion] education week and this person was talking about the effect that pornography or sexual addiction has on wives, specifically when they first find out about it. [The instructor] put up on the screen a picture of the Twin Towers with the airplanes hitting the Twin Towers on September 11th. She was silent for a minute. We were in a big auditorium, and she said ‘Look at that picture and remember how you felt. What does that take you back to? What did you feel looking at that picture on that day when that happened?’ I think everyone looked at that, and they were like ‘Wow, you struck right to the core of the heart of America. Everyone knows what that felt like.’ Then she said ‘This is what it feels like to the wives when they discover that their spouse has a sexual addiction or pornography problem.’

I think for the first time when she said that I was like, ‘Wow, that makes sense. I didn't realize how devastating that is, but I think that comparison is very real. I've seen that obviously, and it's not something that you can just snap back on and recover within a day. It takes a long time a lot of work to rebuild and put your life and a relationship back together.”

Rebecca: “I felt my life and my whole idea of what My marriage had been shifted. I felt like the whole concept I had had, this pride about how great my marriage was and how it was so much better than everyone else's marriage sifted. People would complain to me about their spouses and say ‘You guys are so lucky. You don't even know what I'm talking about because your husband is so great. He cooks and he goes to church and he's home with you and you spend time together.’

I suddenly felt like all of that was fake. Nothing was real. I couldn’t have put together what happened in our lives. I couldn't look back at the pictures because I would see his eyes and I would think ‘What were you thinking? Where were you? Were you really with me? What were you thinking about? Who are you? What were you doing? Where have you been?’

I could not reconcile my past idea what my life had been and the reality of what happened. I just tried so hard. I started reading everything. I read about addiction. I went to see my counselor. I was trying so hard to understand what in the world happened to [Alan] and figure out who I was really married to. I thought he was one person, and apparently he's someone else.

I really spiraled and ended up severely depressed and had a nervous breakdown about six months after I found out about the addiction. I got to the point where everything in our relationship wasn't real anymore and the future looked so bleak for our little girls. I felt like every man in the world was addicted, and wondered what hope there was for my children. I didn’t even want to go to church because all the men there were addicted. Everything was so bleak that I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to live anymore. It was really devastating and really traumatic.

Thankfully, I had been able to reach out to some people in those six months. They were able to come and help me through that time. They helped me to get where I need to be to see my counselor. I ended up spending a week at Canyon Ranch in Tucson. I was spending time doing yoga, meditation, and focusing on health, healthy eating, and being healthy physically, spiritually, and mentally. I discovered acupuncture and all these different tools that I was able to incorporate into my healing”

Alan: “Healing has been amazing. For the longest time We refused to talk about the future because we didn't know what the future held. I tried to talk to you about the future a couple of times and you were like, ‘I don't want to talk about the future. I don't want to think about the future. I can only focus on right here right now.’ That's a big part of recovery, the ‘One day at a time. I'm just going to focus on today. I'm not going to worry about the past and I'm not going to worry about tomorrow.’

It takes a while before you can get around to thinking about the future again. Now that we are at that point where happiness has come back in, the future is really bright. Living in recovery is amazing. I know personally, I feel like I have unshackled myself. Addiction was something that held me back. I was not who I wanted to be. I was not happy. It really limited who I was and who I could become because I was not interested in the things that make me happy. It held me down. It has taken a while to break out of that and remember who I really am and what I want to do and realize that there are no limits. The future really is bright and getting back to where we were when we first got married.

Rebecca said earlier that we almost joined the Peace Corps. I remember talking about that. We were going to sell everything we owned. It was going to be okay to go live in some crazy place and that would be fine. Obviously, we can't do that now because we have children, but the hope of doing things like that, knowing that's possible and that we would be happy, that we could be happy regardless of what our situation is because we have that love again. We know who we are and we know that the future really is bright.”

Rebecca: “Through healing I've been able to really look at myself, and to really examine my strengths and my weaknesses. I’ve been able to form a much more personal connection with God. I’ve been able to feel healing and hope. As I have gone through recovery, as we have worked on our recovery, I have had the opportunity to heal the tragic things even in my past. I would have a lot of traumatic memories that would come up that were so shaking for me, but because of where we were and the work that we are doing on recovery, I was able to find comfort even in those traumatic moments. I recognized that God was with me even when I was little and felt so helpless. I’m starting to gain that pride again. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I'm starting to feel proud of our relationship again. I feel that what we have is true.”

Alan: “Our love is amazing.”

Rebecca: “Our love is awesomer.”

Tucker and Michelle's Recovery Story

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:49:46 GMT

Tucker and Michelle open up about their story of betrayal, redemption, forgiveness and love.

Video Transcription

Michelle: “I’m Michelle”

Tucker: “and I’m Tucker.”

Michelle: “The easiest way to describe us are a young couple, a young family trying to make the most of our little life I guess…[going on] adventures, the outdoors, that’s pretty much us.”

Tucker: “We met [through] a mutual friend a couple weeks into our freshman year of high school and my friend had a class with [Michelle] and I was having lunch with him one time and we are walking down the hall and he stopped to grab a cookie from her, and as soon as she walked away, I was just like who was that?! And I had my sights set on her from pretty much that time forward.”

Michelle: “We were 17. It was the real deal. Our young hearts thought, we were in love at seventeen.”

Tucker: “No, we started dating at 15.”

Michelle: “Well, that’s getting difficult though.”

Interviewer: “So did you get married pretty young too?”

Michelle: “Yes, we got married our senior year. We got pregnant and so we got married halfway into the semester of our senior year and had our first baby boy a couple months after we graduated. It’s busy at home and it's hard to be a parent. It's trying and it's rewarding, it's heart-wrenching, but it’s fun with or without [Tucker].”

Tucker: “I get to be away...I mean I have to be away [from home] with school and work. I like coming home and having the kids there. They're all excited and run and jump into my arms and that’s the best. It’s nice to get away sometimes when Michelle has to go and do something for any amount of time. I always wonder how does she do this every day. I love my kids, but it's tough.”

Michelle: “What surprised me about love is that it didn't stop once you got married and it was perfect. The real colors kind of shined and you had to work around with what you had, in a good way, and sometimes in a bad way. I learned that it’s real, but you have to work for it. It’s that deep bond, your best friend, it’s real. You don’t want to be with anyone else, but it takes work.”

Tucker: “Finding out that love isn’t really like it’s portrayed in movies and TV. It does take work, It takes a lot of work. From both of you, it’s a two-way street. Things have happened along the way, and I’m sure they will happen in the future, that test that. When you overcome those little battles, you get stronger together. I think that as long as we’re in a place that we can overcome those battles together, in twenty years, we’ll be closer than we are now. I think that right now, it's hard to imagine that because I think that we’re so close right now.

When we got married, I think that we thought we were in love. Looking back on that now, it just seems silly because we’ve come so far. I think pornography plays a big role in that because it completley distorts the view that you have of love. I know, in my experience, that the things that are portrayed in pornography are completley unrealistic. It’s hard to see that and recognize that and be able to recognize that. Especially when I was in a very dark place, to go from [pornography] and then go to real life, you cant just flip a switch, it’s not that easy. I think that is the most problimatic thing about pornography and how it plays it’s role. It very temporarily makes you feel good, or complete, or like there is love there. Then you step into real life and it’s not [there]. Then you have to work hard again and it’s not realistic.”

Michelle: “I feel that it’s degrading our whole womanhood and it’s disrespectful to our womanhood. It’s said that all these men, everywhere around the world, whether they believe in God or if they think it’s right or not, their brain is getting chipped away little by little from these images. They’re getting poisoned. [because of this] Their future relationships are not going to be whole and it’s sad.”

Tucker: “I think of it as a wedge that inserts itself a little bit at a time and then it drives deeper and deeper into the relationship. The more involved [in pornography] I was, the deeper that wedge got between us, between real life, and fantasy. In pronography, it can be all about me. I feel like it’s focused on me. I don’t have to work very hard for it. Real love is a two way street. It involves both of us working hard. I can’t expect her to come at me with love and for me to be able to get by that way. I have to work hard to reciprocate that.”

Michelle: “Real love is caring and real love is in tune with each other and respectful, compared to its counterfeit. Lust is selfish and that is just a downward spiral, to be absorbed in yourself.”

Tucker: “It got to a really low point for me when Michelle found out about it. I had kept it a secret for a long time and I felt like I was pretty good in hiding it. One day that came crashing down. She had known, I think, for a while and I had denied it. I got to such a low point in my life. You hear that darkness and light cant occupie the same space. My life was so dark. I had two kids at that time and I asked myself what was I doing?

I was just depressed all the time because I was so guilty, but never really guilty enough to stop. The guilty feeling would go away. When she confronted me, finally, I had reached the point where I came completely clean to her and that was a very sobering experience for me. I can't even imagine what is was like for her.”

Michelle: “It was actually a lot of relief when he came clean about everything because I knew it all along. I knew all the lies couldn’t be true. It didn't make sense. I’m not stupid. So I felt a lot of relief, I felt peace. Then I got angry. In my mind I thought, ‘How could I love this person that wasn't being true, that wasn’t being honest with me, and who is he now? What is my life now? What do I do now?’”

Tucker: “The hardest thing about it was, even after I came clean, I couldn’t just stop ‘cold turkey’. Just because I told her doesn’t mean that it, at all, went away. It’s been something that I struggled with for a long time. To overcome most temptations, I had to really let go of my of myself and I had to rely on other people. That was a really hard thing for me to do because I think I have all the answers and I think that I'm always right. I started going to counseling with somebody at home where the [the therapist] asked me a series of questions. When we were done, he said, ‘You’re borderline narcissistic.’ Then, I said ‘That’s probably why I’m struggling so much at overcoming this.’ It was also very revealing, I learned a lot about myself. I knew that I had to let go and I that I didn’t have all the power.”

Michelle: “I think healing to me has been taking time for myself and making myself whole again. In turn I can be a happy person to be married to and I can fully experience this love again and our life together and be in present time. That’s the key. You have to heal to do that. I think we’ve been that way for a good while now. It makes me excited for maybe another baby and the future. The future’s exciting when it has a positive outlook. When I am not thinking ‘Oh, what if something happens?’ instead I’m planning for things now.”

Tucker: “To me, healing was probably different than what she experienced. We’re were both victims in different ways. Healing for me has been coming to know myself and coming to understand myself and my thought processes. That was something I needed professional help for. That wasn’t something that I could do by myself. I’m grateful to have had something to help me overcome the experiences that I've gone through that made me a victim. Although I don't think these demons that I have will ever be gone completely, to have a tool set that I can use to fight them and to know that I have that, going forward, gives me a lot of confidence. I know that we can keep working together and working on ourselves. The future is bright. I feel like our love is strong but incomplete. There will always be work to do and we continue to grow closer together.”

Michelle: “Our love is a fighter. It’s one love together and it fights. It’s going to make it.”

Why can't I just rely on God for my recovery?

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:45:47 GMT

Video Transcription

“Hi, this is Dr. Kevin Skinner. This is a part of our ‘Ask a Therapist’ series. The question I'm going to address today is: Why can't I just rely upon God for my recovery? And why would I need to go to a therapist?

A lot of times I get questions from religious leaders, from individuals who are highly religious, who say ‘Why can't I just turned to God?’ Well, the truth is God is a healer. I firmly believe that, but there are times when, for example, if I had diabetes I wouldn't just say ‘I need God to heal my diabetes.’ When you come to understand addiction you have to understand that you need outside help and understanding. While God is a healer, he provides people to help you heal.

When you visit a therapist he will give you ideas, or she will give you ideas, that will age you in understanding what healthy people do and how they recover, the steps that addicts take, how they begin recovery, what they do throughout the process. They will help you deal with difficult emotions that maybe you've never been able to work through. The part of therapy that's so beneficial is that you get an outside perspective that is specific to your individual needs.

For the question, ‘Why can't I just rely upon God?’, I strongly encourage you to rely upon God. He's a part of the team, but a professional therapist can age you and help you get more clarity on the steps you can take in healing and recovery. The other benefit that you get from a therapist is that somebody can ask you questions that you have never, ever thought about. They can give you guidance on how to solve some problems that may be long-lasting in your life. I encourage you to reach out , get their support as well as God’s. If you have additional questions or would like to ask more questions feel free to go to our comment section below.”

Advisors: Do they need more help than you can give?

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:39:57 GMT

Video Transcription

“I'm going to be talking about the question: ‘Do they need more help than I can give them?’ When I talk with religious leaders they often say ‘How do I know what I should refer out or whether I can do it by myself?’ Let's look at some of the specific things I've found over the years.

First of all, individuals who have a high frequency of viewing photography . What I mean by high-frequency, I’m talking 3-5 times per week. I'm talking on a regular basis that's been happening for years. Those people generally need more support. On our website, we have an assessment that you can take that helps look at the levels of addiction . If they score higher, obviously, you're going to want more support. [On] levels 4, 5, 6, and 7, they're going to need more support.

Next, if they are what we call ‘binging’ they’ll have a period of time time, 3 or 4 quick episodes, and then a period of time, 1-3 weeks, [where they are not giving in to their addiction]. They will also need more support because, in those moments of binging, they are creating a high and it makes them feel out of control. One of the things you are going to need to know is: Are they binging?

Then, we need to look at the bigger mental health picture. On our website, we assess for depression, anxiety, stress, and loneliness. When those are elevated, high loneliness, high depression, high anxiety, there are other issues that need to be addressed. If those are not addressed, then working with pornography or sexual addiction might be limited. Their success needs to all come together, we need to work with depression.

If you're a leader and you're assessing or need help assessing we can help with that. If they are depressed or anxious you want to make sure they are getting adequate support through therapy or counseling. Other questions that you might ask them: ‘Are they socially involved with people?’ Individuals who are excessively lonely need to develop a social support team around them. As a religious leader, you might ask a question: ‘Do you have friends? Do you have people you trust? Are you interacting with them?’ If they don't have that social support network it may be very helpful for them to learn more social skills and situations like that, outside of counseling, will be very helpful.

If they struggle with ADHD/ADD then clearly that is something that needs to be addressed. The research shows that individuals dealing with sexual addiction are more prone to have ADD. If they have untreated ADD their success in recovery is very limited. As a leader, you can't diagnose ADD or depression or anxiety, but if you sense it and talking with them you might ask him questions like ‘Do you have a lot of sadness? Are you excessively lonely? Do you worry excessively?’ Those are the types of questions that look at depression and loneliness and anxiety.

Finally, as a religious leader, if you get to the point where you feel like you're doing more work than they are, it might be best to get them additional support. You might be carrying their load and that can overwhelm you. We want to make sure that if you're feeling like ‘I don't know what to do’ make sure you reach out to professionals who understand how to treat sexual addiction. These are just some of the things that I would suggest you do when you looked to refer out. thanks for your time.”

Advisors: What are the signs of addiction?

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:36:53 GMT

Are you a religious advisor, working with individuals struggling with unwanted sexual behavior? If so, Dr. Skinner offers signs to look for the lead to addictive behaviors.

Advisors: What questions should you be asking your congregation members?

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 16:32:30 GMT

Are you a religious advisor, working with individuals struggling with unwanted sexual behavior? If so, Dr. Skinner offers advice regarding what questions you should be asking to understand the severity of the unwanted sexual behavior.

How can mindfulness help with triggers?

Thu, 05 Jul 2018 00:00:00 GMT

The key to overcoming unwanted behaviors is to build recovery capital. One tool to add to your arsenal is that of mindfulness. Learn from Dr. Kevin Skinner and Dallin Bruun about how mindfulness and therapy can work together.

How can you develop the mindfulness muscle?

Tue, 03 Jul 2018 00:00:00 GMT

What classifies as an addiction?

Mon, 02 Jul 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Dr. Skinner discusses how an addiction is formed.

How is a sexual addiction formed?

Sun, 01 Jul 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Dr. Skinner discusses how an addiction is formed.

What does true forgiveness look like after infidelity?

Thu, 14 Jun 2018 13:11:15 GMT

In this short four minute video, Dr. Skinner discusses provides his insight into what true forgiveness looks like after infidelity.

How can mindfulness and therapy work together?

Fri, 01 Jun 2018 00:00:00 GMT

The Other Side of Infidelity that No One is Talking About

Tue, 08 May 2018 15:16:09 GMT

WHAT'S THE OTHER SIDE?

Imagine with me, typing in the name of your beloved spouse, whom you trust whole-heartedly, only to find that he is a member of Ashley Madison and you had no idea, or even the hint of an idea, about his secret.

That would be a bad day, a really bad day. Your entire world imploded in an instant.

And this actually just happened to over 30 million couples, and families. Yes, it was a deserved slap in the face to millions of cheaters and liars. But the consequences of these newly exposed secrets trail a wake far beyond the cheater him or herself, stretching into the lives of spouses and children.

And this new discovery causes trauma. Real life, even clinically diagnosed, trauma.

Discovering that a spouse has been unfaithful is a legitimized traumatic event. In fact, researchers have found the “emotional responses to infidelity to mirror those of other traumatic events, including shock, repression, denial, intense mood fluctuation, depression, anxiety, and lowered self-esteem,” all of which are symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

But what’s most shocking, and seldom talked about, is 70% of women with unfaithful partners met most criteria for a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder and 71% demonstrated a severe level of functional impairment in major areas of their lives.

So I find it interesting that our informers, our media, reports story after story about the idiotic, yet forgivable, husband who was careless and got caught, along with the ignorant wife who somehow should have known about their spouse’s secret behavior. (And yes, I know, the betrayal can be gender reversed.) But what we aren’t seeing, hearing, understanding from the top down, is the reality of the devastation caused to spouses and families.

Let’s take Anna Duggar for example.

Featured on the show 19 Kids and Counting, Anna has been known for having a strong background in Christian values. Yet, the recent discovery of her husband’s infidelity has made both her and her family the punchline of endless jokes and a target of public scrutiny on social media and talk shows — all of which are chiming in with their opinion of what Anna should have or should not have done, and what she should do now.

One source, who claims knowledge of the Duggar family, told People Magazine that Anna Duggar, would likely feel pressure from her in-laws, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, to shoulder some of the blame for her husband’s recent disgrace.

Really? She played a role in her husband’s affair? Why? Was it because she didn’t fully adhere to her mother-in-law’s advice to “have sex with [her] husband whenever he wants”?

We all initially bought into the innocent character surrounding the Duggar family; why should Anna’s trust in them be any different? Most likely, she is just as shocked as the world, yet the aftermath for her isn’t just scandal — the consequences include complete desolation to her and her children’s lives. They will never be the same because of her husband’s choices (not her choices). And yet, our society finds her anguish our entertainment. We have inflicted additional torment to her already broken life and heart. Is it our business as a community to destroy, or is our charge to revive, render care and lift the feeble and broken?

Perhaps if more of us understood betrayal, and the genuine trauma that ensues, our responses would be less flippant and unfeeling to those who have been betrayed.

Dr. Kevin Skinner, Clinical Director of Addo Recovery , a clinic specializing in helping relationships overcome infidelity and trauma, said “I have sat with thousands of betrayed spouses and have found that the trauma resulting from their discovery of infidelity holds almost identical symptoms to those who are diagnosed with Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder. And like PTSD, unless treated, recurring triggers will not only sustain their trauma but can feed and exacerbate it, regardless if the relationship remains intact or not.”

Furthermore, Dr. Skinner said “To heal from betrayal trauma, betrayed spouses need education, professional help, compassion and support from loved ones. The knowledge of knowing it’s not their fault and they are not alone provides tremendous relief and healing.”

And so I propose that an increased awareness, concerning the injury associated with infidelity, could promote change in how our society reacts to betrayal and infidelity. This awareness has the power to turn our media, our society, our community, away from inflicting further pain, and closer to showing the compassion, support and hope those in trauma so drastically need. And perhaps, those who cheat and lie and blunder will more readily recognize the dire consequences that follow their actions, and possibly persuade them to choose a more noble path in days ahead.

What is the Addo iceberg philosophy?

Wed, 02 May 2018 00:00:00 GMT

The addictive behaviors are the tip of the iceberg. Learn from Dr. Skinner about the "Addo Iceberg" philosophy.

Free Resources

The Intimacy Repair Method (IRM)

A Trauma-Informed Approach to Healing After Betrayal, Rebuilding Trust, and Restoring Connection

Betrayal Trauma Therapy in Utah County: What to Expect

Looking for betrayal trauma therapy in Utah County? Learn what to expect from therapy after infidelity, pornography addiction, or relationship betrayal and how healing can begin.

5 Powerful Things You Can Do If Your Child Tells You, "I'm Gay."

Finding Out Your Child is Gay

When your child comes to you and says, "I'm gay." you may experience a flood of emotions. Yet, the first five minutes of your response is critical to your child. In fact, how you respond could set the tone for your child for years to come.

3 Important "To-Do's" As You Respond to Your Child Telling You They're Gay

You may experience a wide variety of emotions after learning your child is gay.

Wha t to Do When Your Religious Beliefs Do Not Align With Being Gay

In response to your teen being gay, you may feel the urge to say, "We'll pray the gay away." Likewise, you may feel inclined to tell your child this is a phase or how wrong they are for their choice. However, responses like this are destructive and even detrimental.

Recap of What to Do When Your Child Tells You, "I'm Gay."

Your reaction to the news that your child is gay will likely have a major impact on your child for years to come. Likewise, it may set the tone for your relationship indefinitely.

Still Have Parenting Questions? ﻿

5 Helpful Tips to Find the Right Therapist to Help You Heal From Betrayal Trauma

How is Betrayal Trauma Different from PTSD?

What Does Betrayal Trauma Feel Like?

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What is the Treatment for Betrayal Trauma?

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Here are 5 helpful tips that may help you find the right therapist to help you heal from betrayal trauma.

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At the end of the day, your healing and recovery from betrayal trauma are most important.

How to Rebuild Your Relationship After A Year-Long Pandemic

What are the keys to a long-lasting relationship?

These include:

What can you do to implement these skills to improve your relationship?

Be intentional.

Be slow to respond and quick to repair.

What does a cycle of negative interactions within a relationship look like?

The cycle starts with a negative emotion. Examples include feelings such as:

When you feel negative emotions, you're likely to turn to a specific behavior. For example, you might:

How do you interrupt a cycle of negative interactions within your relationship?

So, how can you begin a new pattern of communication?

For example, you could say:

Can Both Discovery and Disclosure Lead to Betrayal Trauma?

What is betrayal trauma?

What are the symptoms of betrayal trauma?

Let's highlight a few:

Discovering Betrayal Trauma

Disclosure Can Still Cause Betrayal Trauma.

I'm Ready to Leave My Sex Addiction Behind, But Now What?

What is sex addiction?

There continues to be a debate among professionals within the field about whether or not 'sex addiction is real:

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Moving Toward Sex Addiction Recovery

Here are some ideas to get you working towards sex addiction recovery:

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What Does Sex Addiction Treatment Look Like?

What Boundaries Can I Set to Help Keep My Children Safe While They Use Their New Electronics?

Can Electronics Lead to Pornography Addiction, Even With Boundaries in Place?

What Is Most Important to Communicate as I Set Boundaries With My Kids?

What Boundaries Can I Set to Help Keep My Children Safe?

Some final thoughts about boundaries

Are you a mom living with betrayal trauma?

Why do women and mothers wait so long before starting the healing process?

What are the effects of not healing?

Sexual Addiction Recovery Begins with Acknowledging All Parts of Yourself

Healing a Sexual Addiction through the Internal Family Systems Approach

Sexual Addiction Recovery Can Begin by Identifying Your Exiles, Managers, and Firefighters.

Why Healing From Sexual Addiction, or Any Addiction, Gets Easier as We Identify Our Parts.

Recovery from Sexual Addiction Leads us Back to Our Core Self.

Why is identifying and acknowledging addiction so difficult?

For some clients, defining addiction is easy. Yet, believing they are addicted to something is a different story.

How negative core beliefs lead to dependency and addiction

Dependency and addiction.

The forming of an addiction.

How to determine if life is unmanageable and if there is an addiction?

Why 86% of the couples rebuilding trust succeed in their relationship after a betrayal

What successful couples are doing to rebuild trust

Rebuilding trust through discussing the details

Why answering the betrayed spouse's questions is so important to rebuilding trust

How rebuilding trust allows you to see each other again

Unresolved hurt and pain interferes with rebuilding trust

Six Key Elements in Supporting a Loved One Overcome Pornography Addiction

Incredible women can feel alone as they support their loved one. We, at Addo, can offer guidance, support and community.

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ELEMENT #1: PORNOGRAPHY EXPOSURE

ELEMENT #2: INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE

Still Have Parenting Questions?