Gaslighting: How Trust Can be Misused

One of the most challenging aspects of betrayal trauma is the revelation that someone who was once trusted, perhaps more than anyone else, is actually untrustworthy. In most cases, this revelation has a deep impact and causes severe inner turmoil. Racing thoughts abound, such as “What else has this person lied about? Why did I ever trust them? How could I have been so naïve?” Emotions such as anger, resentment, self-doubt, sadness, and worry can overwhelm the system when betrayal is revealed. Confusion often leads the way. Betrayed individuals describe feeling hurt and confused nearly immediately and simultaneously after betrayal is discovered. This confusion stems from the oftentimes masterful and intricate portrayals of trustworthiness their partners have presented to them. For example, many women who discover sexual betrayal in their marriages report husbands who repeatedly, through verbal communication and direct eye contact, denied any such betrayal and comforted their wives with declarations of commitment and devotion. These women get the message from their husband that all is well in their marriage and do their best to convince themselves that there is nothing to worry about.

The secret-keeping required by lying is draining on the deceiver and distancing within the marriage. Gaslighting is worse; it is lying with the addition of crazy-making. First coined in the 1940’s after the thriller Gaslight was released, gaslighting refers to one person’s attempt to create self-doubt and insanity in another, usually a close family member or partner. One who engages in gaslighting goes beyond lying and turns the tables on the questioning party. The following dialogue, between a wife and her alcoholic husband, shows an example of gaslighting:

Lynette: How come you were late coming home from work last night? I waited up until after one o’clock.

Tom: I got caught up at the office and forgot to call. Sorry.

Lynette: I was worried. I didn’t know if you’d been in an accident or if you were maybe out with your friends. I worry when you’re with them; you drink too much when you’re out late.

Tom: Look, I got caught up at the office and just forgot to call to let you know. I wasn’t out with the guys or drinking.

Lynette: Your clothes from yesterday smell of alcohol, Tom.

Tom: Oh my gosh, you’re paranoid! What did you do – go to my hamper first thing this morning and sniff my dirty laundry? I’ve already told you twice that I was at work. I don’t know what else to say. I’m telling you the truth and you won’t believe it, so I’m afraid I can’t help you. Your problems are beyond my help. You’ve got to decide whether or not you trust me. I can’t make this work on my own and you’re obviously unwilling to believe a simple answer to your question: I was at work and I wasn’t drinking. My clothes do not smell like alcohol; it’s probably gas from the car or my cologne you’re smelling. I swear your nose makes things up.

Lynette: Okay, okay. Sorry I didn’t believe you. Maybe you’re right and I’m overreacting. I’ll work on that.

Lynette was right about Tom’s behavior the previous night; he had been drinking with his friends after work and lost control of himself as well as track of time. It’s one thing for Tom to lie to Lynette (“I got caught up at the office and forgot to call.”) but it’s quite another for him to accuse her of paranoia and making things up.

This is the essence of gaslighting: the deceiver turns the conversation on its head, causing the other person to walk away from the interaction wondering, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I so worried about this? Why does it bother me so much?” When the deceiver puts on a good enough show and turns the conversation convincingly around, the partner is forced to make sense of the gap between her gut instinct and his portrayal of reality: “If my gut says he’s hiding something from me, but he swears he’s telling me the truth, something must be off. My gut instincts must be wrong. I can’t trust myself. I must be crazy.”

Because we are attachment-based, we need connection to survive. Without connection, our limbic systems go into overdrive and we cannot regulate our emotions or apply logic to our lives; we simply go into survival mode. It is therefore less threatening to doubt ourselves than it is to doubt others; if we doubt others, we are naturally distanced from them and our connection is less secure. As our connections become less secure, we become insecurely attached and our minds and bodies are under constant stress. Our brains will do anything to save us from this experience, so in order to reconcile our gut instincts with the lies of another, we are more likely to accept the other’s reality than our own.

This is why you feel so crazy sometimes. This is why it’s become so hard to trust yourself. If you’ve experienced gaslighting in your relationship – where you’ve been deceived and blamed simultaneously – the natural survival response is to disengage with the self and ignore your own instincts. This is how we survive under the duress of betrayal trauma. Convincing yourself that you are paranoid, or you do ask too many questions, or you do have trust issues, etc. is a normal and appropriate response to an abnormal and inappropriate situation.

If your experiences sound anything like this, know you are not alone and it is very natural to feel confused, hurt, angry, sad, relieved, and vindicated. Most women report that the sexual betrayal itself is hurtful, but it is the lying and blaming – the gaslighting – that is more difficult to overcome.

There is hope.

In order to securely re-attach to others, you must reconnect with yourself and rebuild self-trust. Connecting your mind to your body will help soothe anxiety, racing thoughts, and physical distress associated with betrayal trauma. Here are few tips:

• Yoga and mindfulness practice are the best ways to reconnect your mind with your body. Even ten minutes a few times a week can make a difference.
  
• Once your body is soothed, it is easier to practice self-care habits such as journaling, exercise, reading, healthy eating, and goal-setting.
  

The more you practice self-care, the easier it is to trust yourself, and once you rebuild self-trust, trusting others enough to build healthy attachments is possible.